Here goes! Next to last one was great.
I’m on two diets. I wasnt getting enough food on one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, “Maybe next time”, isnt the correct response.
Dont irritate old people. The older we get the less life in prison is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, Their cornbread aint done in the middle.
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens...
I really dont mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90s, when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, That cant be accurate
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing Im sure of it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
I thought getting old would take longer.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. Thats when the fight started.
Me: Sobbing my heart out, I cant see you anymore Im not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.
Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasnt afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test same thing .
lol! We need more humor especially now.
My will specifies that my remains be cremated and the ashes hurled into Joy Behar’s face.