Keyword: jokes

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    03/30/2020 4:00:09 PM PDT · by Lazamataz · 87 replies
    The source is US | 3/30/2020 | By Laz A. Mataz
    Ever one to see the humor in even the worst circumstances, I set out to try to lighten hearts with a little COVID-19 humor.I authored these:China got this virus right off the bat. I now wash my hands, shower daily, and keep my house disinfected. All it took was the end of the world to become a human being. With all the airports shut down or travel-restricted, CNN's viewership is now nearly 5 people.
  • Silly old Stuff for Seniors

    03/30/2020 3:19:05 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 11 replies
    email from friend | 3/30/2020 | unknown
    Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by...

    03/25/2020 5:33:37 AM PDT · by Enlightened1 · 2 replies
    Youtube ^ | 03/25/20 | Darren Knight
    A little break from politics. Comedian guy is making fun of some southern mommas during Cornavirus isolation.  It is hillarious and I am sure all of you at one point have run into women like this.  Enjoy!
  • SNL: John Mulaney Jokes That Senators Should Stab Trump Like Julius Caesar

    03/02/2020 5:56:33 AM PST · by ChicagoConservative27 · 26 replies
    Breitbart ^ | 03/01/2020 | Pam Key
    Former Saturday Night Live writer and host John Mulaney made a joke Saturday on NBC, that compared President Donald Trump to Julius Caesar “a powerful maniac” who was assassinated by a group of senators. Mulaney said, “It is a Leap Year, as I said. Leap Year began in 45 B.C. under Julius Caesar. This is true, he started the Leap Year in order to correct the calendar, and we still do it to this day.
  • Laugh List

    02/20/2020 3:46:18 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 18 replies
    Punme | 2/20/20 | unknown
    1.Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. 2.I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 3.I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 4.My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. 5.I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed. 6.My boss told me to have a good day.. so...
  • U.K. Moves to End Sales of All Non-Electric Cars by 2035

    02/06/2020 11:41:18 AM PST · by RomanSoldier19 · 67 replies
    popular mechanics via malaysia news yahoo ^ | 6 February 2020 | Mike Duff
    Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced a plan to ban sales of gasoline- and diesel-powered passenger cars in the U.K. beginning in 2035. That's five years earlier than a previous commitment by the U.K., and it also adds even hybrid vehicles to the banned list, leaving only full electric cars as an option. There were 2.3 million passenger cars sold in the U.K. in 2019—and only 37,850 of them were electric vehicles.
  • Some Irish Humor

    02/04/2020 2:43:57 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 35 replies
    email from a friend | 2/4/2020 | unknown
    An Irishman's first drink with his son While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried...
  • Dementia Test

    01/25/2020 6:49:22 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 21 replies
    email from a senior friend | 1/25/2020 | unknown
    Your yearly Dementia Test ! (only 4 questions this year) I am only sending this to old folks. Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you will lose it !!! Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take this...
  • Jokes

    12/12/2019 7:24:22 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 14 replies
    Readers Digest ^ | 12/12/2019 | multiple
    Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!” Our son was upset that his baseball coach yelled whenever he or a teammate made a mistake. “It’s just something coaches do,” I said. “It’s not personal.” His response was hard to argue with: “If it’s not personal, then why do they use your name?” The homework assignment for my Spanish class was to write a paragraph. When I returned their papers, I asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online...
  • Smiles for Seniors

    07/22/2019 2:10:29 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 21 replies
    internet & emails | 7/22/2019 | unknown
    Back Nine You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is - the ' back nine' of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get...
  • Time for a laugh

    06/04/2019 2:23:20 PM PDT · by JBW1949 · 19 replies
    4-8-2019 | JBW1949
    A little humour to lighten the day...
  • Blonde jokes to be banned? (Hungary)

    11/23/2004 5:46:46 PM PST · by FairOpinion · 29 replies · 599+ views
    Ananova ^ | Nov. 23, 2004 | Ananova
    Blonde jokes are set to be banned in Hungary after blonde women staged an angry protest outside parliament. The protestors handed in a petition claiming they were being discriminated against in every walk of life by bad taste blonde jokes. And spokeswoman Zsuzsa Kovacs said: "Blondes face discrimination in the job market, in the workplace when they get a job, and even on the streets. "People are banned from discriminating against Jews, or blacks, so why not grant blondes the same protection." The petition was handed to the equal opportunities minister Kinga Goncz asking her to investigate whether jokes about...
  • Democrat calls out Biden over 'disrespectful' jokes (groping and stuff)

    04/23/2019 5:31:37 PM PDT · by Libloather · 26 replies
    AP via AOL ^ | 4/23/19
    WASHINGTON (AP) — A Nevada Democrat who accused Joe Biden of touching her without permission says the former vice president has been "so incredibly disrespectful" by joking about the matter. Lucy Flores leveled her criticism Monday on Fox News as Biden nears an announcement of his 2020 presidential campaign. Flores, a former Nevada state legislator, said she wants to force a discussion of how powerful men treat women, even as she affirms that her recollections of a 2014 encounter with Biden don't involve touching of a sexual or violent nature. "The basis of the behavior that I talked about was...
  • Rules is Rules

    04/04/2019 3:56:28 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 21 replies
    email | 4/4/2019 | unknown
    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South DAKOTA. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here" The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York...
  • Senior Smiles

    02/01/2019 2:21:14 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 18 replies
    email | 2/1/2019 | unknown geezer
    1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go. 2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.. I ate a pizza, are you happy ? 3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish 4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. 5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and...
  • Corny or Cute? You be the judge;)

    12/31/2018 8:26:50 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 15 replies
    buzzghana ^ | 12/31/2018 | Emeka Chigozie
    182 one-liners. Cannot cut & paste, so you have to be able to read;)
  • Raising Chickens

    12/30/2018 3:12:27 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 15 replies
    email | 12/30/2018 | unknown
    Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week. So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer. "What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman. I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So...
  • Donkeys and Asses

    11/30/2018 11:45:25 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 18 replies
    email | 11/30/2018 | unknown
    The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won !! The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS”. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to...
  • This and That

    11/25/2018 11:49:05 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 20 replies
    email | 11/26/2018 | unknown
    If you can’t afford a doctor and feel you need a check up, go to the airport. you will get a free x-ray and breast exam and if you mention al queda you will also get a free colonoscopy. Adultery is a sin; you cannot have your Kate and Edith too. I had a really bad day. First, my ex got ran over by a bus - then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Wife: Look at that drunk guy. Husband: Who is he? Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him....
  • If Confucius Lived Today - this is what he would say;)

    11/10/2018 5:36:14 AM PST · by sodpoodle · 20 replies
    email | 11/10/2018 | unknown
    Confucius Say. It's OK to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say. A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say. It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say. Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy Confucius Say. A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Confucius Say. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest. Confucius Say. Viagra is like Disneyland ...a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Confucius Say. It...