Posted on 11/09/2012 4:33:01 AM PST by Lucky9teen
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang.
He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?" she replied.
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
My wife was looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I told her, ‘Well, your eyes are still good...’
And then the fight started…
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy cigarettes. He walks down to the store to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman & starts talking to her. They have a few beers. One thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
Later, he wakes up and realizes its 3 AM. He says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to get really angry. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some powder. He rubs it on his hands and leaves.
At the door, his angry wife asks, “Where the hell have you been?”
“Well, honey, I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks. One thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
“Oh yeah? Lemme see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder. “Liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!!”
Thanks. I got that from a retired COL I served under for several years.
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
Confuscious say -
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided; if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him.
WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN’T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil in tent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s’ leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
Test post....to see if the “Time Out” dealt me by JimRob is over yet.
Test post....to see if the “Time Out” dealt me by JimRob is over yet.
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