Posted on 12/22/2010 3:01:39 PM PST by writer33
North Pole—In what could spell disaster for Santa Clause, the North Pole has been inundated with “Special Request Deliveries” from Santa for adults. Oddly enough, most of the requests are coming from the children of conservative parents. These “special requests” are not toys that the elves make in the workshop, forcing Santa to seek retail outlets like Ace Hardware, Lowe’s, Home Depot, and even Walmart, to fill the orders.
One such letter came from Johnny McManus, a 9-year old from Reno, Nevada, whose father was the Slots Manager at the Golden Nugget until he was laid off. When Santa read the letter, he just didn’t have the heart to say no:
Dear Santa,
I really want that new BMX bike for Christmas. I want you to bring a new vice for my Dad too, because my Dad says that nothing would make him happier than putting Harry Reid’s balls in a vice. And my Mom even said she’d watch my Dad put Harry Reid’s balls in a vice. If you could do that, I’d be the happiest boy in Nevada.
I love you Santa. You’re the greatest!
Johnny McManus
Many other requests have been pouring in for chain saws, hammers, and sacks of dog crap—such as the letter from Marsha Fenter, a 10-year old from Witchita, Kansas, who is asking for a sack of dog crap for Christmas.
Dear Santa,
My Mom is the greatest Mom in the whole world. She used to be Vice President of Sales at the Edison Light Bulb Corporation, and now she’s wiping butts down at Shady Palms Nursing Home on 24th street. She says all she wants for Christmas is a sack of dog crap so that she can ram it down Nancy Pelosi’s throat.
Marsha Fenter
P.S. Don’t forget I want that new Mark Levin Action Figure for Christmas. You know…the one that yells, “Shut up, Yenta!”
Janine Smith, a 11-year old from Columbia, South Carolina, is insisting that Santa bring Lindsey Graham a pair of bronzed balls for Christmas, and Ryan Golesky, a 12-year old from Anchorage, Alaska, asking for a game.
Dear Santa,
My Mom mentioned that Lindsey Graham needs a pair of bronzed balls. In fact, she says that she has more balls than he does, and it would really be great if you could bring her that set. My Mom is a super Mom, and she is really tired of having “a douchebag Senator without balls.” She says she is going to send those bronzed balls to his office so that he will see them every time he is going to vote on the Senate floor.
I love you, Santa!
Janine Smith
Dear Santa,
I want you to bring the game, Operation, for my Dad for Christmas. He has worked very hard for Joe Miller’s campaign for the U.S. Senate. He says that Joe Miller represents the values of Alaskans, and that Lisa Murkowski “has a bag of hair for brains.” He told me that if Santa brought him Operation, he would personally give that “lying, pork-laden, street tramp of a Senator a brain.” Nothing would make him happier this Christmas.
Ryan Golesky
With the letters pouring in faster than felony voters in Illinois, it will indeed be a miracle if Santa can make all the deliveries on time.
Satire ping!
Ping!
Has anyone wrote a 12 Days of Obama parody yet?
Very good!
Thanks for reading, ST. I appreciate it.
Or ask Santa for something ping!
Please... no... I’d be crying.
Pssst...”vise,” not “vice.”
Good job!
Merry Christmas, Chris!
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