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Humor (Bloggers & Personal)

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • North Korea Honors Bernie Sanders for his Socialist Stances (satire)

    02/11/2016 9:20:15 AM PST · by smoothsailing · 5 replies
    The Peoples Cube ^ | 1-29-2016 | Chedoh
    January 29, 2016North Korea Honors Bernie Sanders for his Socialist Stances by Chedoh PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Reports are surfacing from various Chinese news sources that a bust of Bernie Sanders has been erected in the "people's garden" behind the Presidential Palace at Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea, sometime during the past few weeks. According to said sources, a plaque beneath the statue reads "Bernie Sanders, Hero of True Socialism, Proponent of Communist Ideals." This event marks the first time that a U.S. citizen has received any kind of recognition from the DPRK and is only one of a...
  • Laugh. It's the Best Medicine. Then get serious again.

    02/11/2016 9:16:51 AM PST · by DanMiller · 2 replies
    Dan Miller's Blog ^ | February 11, 2016 | Dan Miller
    Obama and Hillary are evil and some Republican candidates are bad. Stay mad, but laugh occasionally because it's refreshing. Then, let's take America back.Sometimes life is hard. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sm68ga5yR4w Yeah, but wouldn't it be terrible if everything always happened just as we want it to? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R1RS7xfGT8 This is pretty much how government really works. They just aren't this good as telling us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5cR6JpRCnM Jimmy Buffett manages to offend just about everyone while being funny as he does it. That's good! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wneCa_yIuzg It's about time for a drink. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBtjoRpmOjc OK, it's time to get serious again. Obama said, "You didn't build...
  • Releasing a Trapped Bobcat?

    02/11/2016 8:00:51 AM PST · by w1n1 · 39 replies
    Cal Sportsman ^ | 2/11/2016 | C Cocoles
    Don't do it this wayThe method you see here are not gold standard of what you should do, this video is bordering on the "ultimate" of what you should absolutely NOT do if you find yourself in this situation. Not much is known about where this video was shot, and if this was their trap or if they were illegally tampering with another trapper’s set, but one thing is for sure, the guy who joins the bobcat release party right at the end has never seen what a bobcat can do when it's angry. Check out the video here.
  • There’s a Special Place in Hell for Liars and Enablers

    02/11/2016 7:33:17 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 5 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-22-2016 | MOTUS
    Carly dropped out of the Presidential sweepstakes yesterday with this message: To young girls and women across the country, I say: do not let others define you. Do not listen to anyone who says you have to vote a certain way or for a certain candidate because you're a woman. That is not feminism. Feminism doesn't shut down conversations or threaten women. It is not about ideology. It is not a weapon to wield against your political opponent. A feminist is a woman who lives the life she chooses and uses all her God-given gifts. And always remember that a...
  • Vanity: Trump leads The Caddyshack revolution

    02/10/2016 12:07:01 PM PST · by Trumpinator · 40 replies
    Just a fun observation based on the movie Caddyshack. Trump is the Rodney Dangerfield like real estate developer character leading an uprising against Judge Smails and his bunch (the stodgy GOP establishment). Jeb is Spaulding Smails, the judge's nephew who eats his own boogers: Have fun figuring out which character best matches the rest of the field.
  • Hell increasing staff to handle massive influx of female voters damned by Madeline Albright

    02/10/2016 10:09:57 AM PST · by Sean_Anthony · 21 replies
    Canada Free Press ^ | 02/10/16 | Robert Laurie
    'Special places' being brought online Ladies, you were warned. Last week, Madeline Albright told you that there was a “special place in hell” for women who don’t support Hillary. She did her best to make sure you knew about the horrific spiritual dangers that stem from voting for Bernie Sanders, and we did our best to get the message out. Yet, for whatever reason, you decided to ignore the eternal damnation of your mortal soul. Last night, women chose - in massive numbers - to turn their backs on Hillary Clinton. According to anonymous torment-industry sources Hell is gearing up...
  • VIDEO - Trump Supporters 'Diamond and Silk' Celebrate Trump's Big NH Win - "All Aboard!"

    02/10/2016 9:03:03 AM PST · by smoothsailing · 8 replies
    The Gateway Pundit ^ | 2-10-2016 | Jim Hoft
    February 10, 2016 VIDEO - Trump Supporters 'Diamond and Silk' Celebrate Trump's Big NH Win - "All Aboard!" by Jim Hoft Diamond and Silk Celebrate Big Trump Win—Sisters, Lynette “Diamond” Hardaway and Rochelle “Silk” Richardson, better known as the “Stump-for-Trump Girls,” have become a YouTube sensation over their support for Donald J. Trump.The two sisters even spoke at two different Donald Trump rallies.On Tuesday night Diamond and Silk celebrated Donald Trump’s big win in New Hampshire.“New Hampshire showed up and showed out!” Next stop – South Carolina! Click the pic for VIDEO
  • DUmmie FUnnies 02-10-16 (Triumph the Insult Dog Mocks PC Children of the Corn)

    02/10/2016 8:08:57 AM PST · by PJ-Comix · 28 replies
    DUmmie FUnnies ^ | February 10, 2016 | PJ-Comix
    This is one of the FUnniest of all the Triumph the Insult Dog Videos. Triumph visits the University of New Hampshire campus and confronts a group of absolutely humorless Politically Correct students. What results is COMEDY GOLD. Oh, and don't miss the hilarious bit where the PC students are asked to describe a certain suspect to a police sketch artist. Exit question: How many of these PC students have DUmmie screen names? VIDEO
  • YUGE!

    02/10/2016 7:01:04 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 6 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-10-2016 | MOTUS
    All hail the winners! The Donald wants to make America great again,And The Bern, bless his little heart, wants to make it fair.He’s the one you’ve been waiting 74 years for?The Bern thinks our country was founded on “fairness.” No wonder he doesn’t believe in individual liberty. So he’s fomenting a Communist revolution in order to make America fair again and apparently the best way to do that is to take stuff away from some people and give it to some other people. In his gracious acceptance speech he specified things he thinks should be free in order to make...
  • Hump Day Humor

    02/10/2016 3:06:15 AM PST · by Reaganite Republican · 6 replies
    Reaganite Republican ^ | 10 February 2016 | Reaganite Republican
    More atReaganite Republican
  • Head Of DNC Posts DUMBEST Tweet In Twitter History… Wow

    02/09/2016 8:29:18 AM PST · by suman · 20 replies
    Democrat Florida Congresswoman and head of the Democrat National Committee, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, has been known for making idiotic statements before, but she may have outdone herself this weekend.
  • That Old Horndog Is Still In the Hunt

    02/09/2016 6:41:28 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 7 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-9-2016 | MOTUS
    Why is the lumberjack stumping for Hillary in the north woods of New Hampshire? I know that sounds like the lead-in to a joke, butt no, seriously: why?Can I get me a hunting license here?Is this another Clinton quid pro quo? “I’ll stump for you in New Hampshire,and then you’ll stump for me, Brawny Lad. Got it?Butt this goes beyond even the normal Clinton pandering. And it doesn’t work well for several reasons: 1. The Lumberjack’s association with Babe, the Blue Ox 2. The lumberjack plaid: it’s already been appropriated by another minority group. 3. As well as sluts… 4....
  • Bernie Sanders Is So Old.......

    02/08/2016 10:10:19 AM PST · by Torcert · 30 replies
    Truth Revolt ^ | 2.5.2016
    For a little Friday afternoon political humor, check out this latest post from our friends at The People's Cube satirical site, run by the brilliant Oleg Atbashian. In this post, contributor "Comrade Torcer" takes the hashtag setup #BernieSandersisSoOld and runs with it: #BernieSandersisSoOld Marx had him proofread his Manifesto. #BernieSandersisSoOld He wrote his last will and testament on parchment. #BernieSandersisSoOld He sometimes slips up and calls them Bourgeois instead of Billionaires. #BernieSandersisSoOld He used to call Stalin a young whippersnapper. #BernieSandersisSoOld It’s been decades since he’s been able to “#FeeltheBern” for those young Female Comrades. (if you know what I...
  • Fundamentally Transforming the Super Bowl

    02/08/2016 5:47:44 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 71 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-8-2016 | MOTUS
    Yes, I watched the Super Bowl start to finish. I had no dog in the fight butt was rooting for the Broncos, against all odds, just because I’d like to see Peyton hang up his cleats before he breaks his neck again. So yay! I’m happy; apologies to all the Panther fans out there.A few random observations on the annual pre-Mardi Gras American Bacchanalia: I did not see one - not one - commercial worthy of mention. What has happened to America’s creative class? Are all the copywriters members of the disaffected Millennial generation? Most of the spots were supposed...
  • Hillary Monopoly (The Game)

    02/07/2016 5:50:21 PM PST · by grey_whiskers · 11 replies
    90 Miles from Tyranny blog ^ | February 7, 2016 | Mike Miles
    Click the link. Totally worth it.
  • DC to Pay Criminals to Refrain from Crime [semi=satire]

    02/07/2016 11:16:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Washington, DC Councilman Kenyan McDuffie proposed and the City Council unanimously adopted a measure that will pay criminals to refrain from committing crimes. Under the plan, residents with a sufficiently impressive rap-sheet will be paid up to $9,000 in cash per year for each year they aren't convicted of a crime. "This is not some lame-brained scheme that any smart aleck can game," McDuffie boasted. "Only those who can document their criminal behavior will be eligible for the stipend. By paying the 'worst-of-the-worst' members of our community to cool it we will have a greater impact than if we put...
  • DUmmie FUnnies 02-07-16 (DUmmies Accuse Democrats of Vote Fraud)

    02/07/2016 10:54:06 AM PST · by PJ-Comix · 24 replies
    DUmmie FUnnies ^ | February 7, 2016 | Dummies & PJ-Comix
    Remember whenever the Democrats lost an election, the DUmmies would accuse the Republicans of vote fraud? Of course, DUmmies would also get completely outraged if Democrats were accused of the same crime. Could never happen. As rare a an asteroid strike on the planet. Well, the DUmmies have now changed their tune. They are now accusing DEMOCRATS of massive vote fraud in the Iowa caucuses. Yeah, obviously the Hillary Clinton campaign was involved in it but they needed the help of the Iowa Democrat party bosses to enable the Hillary Clinton "victory" which was really a tie that was...
  • GOP Debate Open Thread Sunday: Where The Boys Are

    02/07/2016 8:23:23 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 21 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-7-2016 | MOTUS
    Let’s just do an open thread.Who do you think won last night’s debate?Did the GOPe take Rubio down? Or was it of his own doing, with a little help from Christie? (“There it is”)Who is Christie taking lessons from?Was it Jeb!s last stand? (“I could drop my pants,” [Jeb] said in an interview. “Moon the whole crowd. Everybody would be aghast, except the press guys would never notice.”)Why did ABC leave Dr. Carson behind? Is it because he is black?Why did ABC leave Carly behind? Is it because she is a woman?Who invited the anti-Trump fan club?Who the heck is...
  • Reaganite's SUNDAY FUNNIES

    02/07/2016 3:26:10 AM PST · by Reaganite Republican · 8 replies
    Reaganite Republican ^ | 07 February 2016 | Reaganite Republican
    Hill Jong Ill More atReaganite Republican
  • Starting a new Meme "Least Germany" ~ Extreme Vanity

    02/06/2016 2:00:50 PM PST · by GraceG · 7 replies
    I just came up with a meme that I think may stick in relation to allt he crap that Angela Merkel is piling onto Germany right now. "Least Germany" Merkel is Originally from "East Germany", her parents had connection to the Stasi as well. So Behold the leader of "Least Germany"
  • Former President Carter Endorses Trump [semi-satire]

    02/06/2016 10:41:37 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Democratic President Jimmy Carter says his favorite GOP candidate for president is Donald Trump. He explained the surprising endorsement by pointing out "Trump is completely malleable. I don't think he has any fixed positions. From my perspective this is more preferable than a far right wing ideologue like Ted Cruz." "Cruz would clearly be an enemy of the progressive policies Obama has implemented," Carter continued. "He'd try to undo them and would shut down the government if he felt it necessary to achieve his goals. With Trump I think we could be confident that wouldn't happen. Trump has been...
  • Dancing The Aerostars Into the History Books

    02/06/2016 7:32:19 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 5 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-6-2016 | MOTUS
    I’m pretty sure you’ve seen the Dancing Queens by now:I can’t identify all of them butt I do recognize the burgundy one as the esteemed Madame Senator from Michigan, Debbie Stabenow.If any of you can identify the rest of the Aerostars on stage with Hilz, please do. For clarity, kindly do so by color:THESE ARE THE AEROSTARS:Black, Gray, Blue, Light Blue, Burgundy, Pink THIS IS HILLARY (ROYAL BLUE), DANCING WITH THE AEROSTARS:CAUTION: HARD LANDING AHEAD FOOTNOTES: (Wikipedia) The Ford Aerostar is a minivan that was manufactured and marketed by Ford for the 1986 to 1997 model years in the United...
  • 'Armani Communist' divides China (Communist Party Rich)

    02/05/2016 6:41:42 PM PST · by goldstategop · 2 replies
    BBC Trending Blogs ^ | 02/06/2016 | bbctrending
    However wealthy Liu's parents may or may not be, it is clear that this is a boy who is no stranger to attention. He is known as a child star who acts and sings. More than 20,000 people follow his Weibo page. He's famous for appearing on a local Shenzhen-based show called "Family Show". Some admirers have condoned Liu Bo's choice of suit and complimented him on his appearance. "Please make this Armani wearing youth's clothing be the whole countries' primary and secondary school uniform" said one Weibo post which received more than 10,000 likes. During the years of the...
  • I would like to see all the Candidates singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

    02/05/2016 9:36:34 AM PST · by Fhios · 26 replies
    youtube link ^ | 2/5/2016 | Total Vanity
    Wouldn t that be grand skit on SNL. Bohemian Rhapsody
  • A Note to Bernie’s Millenials: Be Sure To Read the Fine Print

    02/05/2016 7:43:54 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 19 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-5-2016 | MOTUS
    Note: you may have to embiggen the text to read the tiny print. Apologies, butt then again, it’s not supposed to be easy to read the fine print. Poor old over-the-Hilz, not only did she get schlonged again by Bernie last night, butt she continues to bleed millennial voters: According to entrance polls, Sanders received 84 percent of the vote from those 17 to 29 years old, as against 14 percent for Clinton. – New Republic It’s easy to see why Hillary – old, white, shrill harpy – is not attractive to Millennials. The more interesting question is why Bernie...
  • TGIF 'toons

    02/05/2016 3:31:01 AM PST · by Reaganite Republican · 15 replies
    Reaganite Republican ^ | 05 February 2016 | Reaganite Republican
    More atReaganite Republican
  • (Funny/Surreal): Plane hit by suicide bomb blast lands safely in Somalia, pilot describes incident

    02/04/2016 3:45:09 PM PST · by Ulmius · 24 replies
    SunSentinel ^ | February 4, 2016 | Tribune News
    An explosion that blew a hole in a jetliner shortly after takeoff and left one man missing was believed to have been caused by a bomb, the pilot said Wednesday, describing how the crew calmed frightened passengers as smoke enveloped the cabin before he brought the plane back to Mogadishu's airport for an emergency landing. Residents of Balad, a town 30 kilometers (about 18 miles) north of Mogadishu, found the body of a man who might have been blown out of the Airbus 321 in Tuesday's blast, said police officer Mohamed Hassan.
  • Why You’re No Longer Allowed to Culturally Appropriate the Global Economy

    02/04/2016 7:57:59 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 9 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-4-2016 | MOTUS
    They come runnin' just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed manAdd to the growing list of things whitey can no longer do: wear toe rings. No, just no.That’s right ladies (and men, if so inclined) – toe rings have been nixed for your use if you are not from Southeast Asia, nor can you wear “slave earrings” if you have not descended from, well you know, slaves.BLM: Black Lobs, MainlyWhy? Because they are a form of cultural appropriation which for some odd reason is not politically correct in the 21st century. In noting...
  • “Obviously You Don’t Know Much About Adventures.”

    02/03/2016 7:05:54 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 1 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-3-2016 | MOTUS
    “Destiny guides our fortunes more favorably than we could have expected. Look there, Sancho Panza, my friend, and see those thirty or so wild giants, with whom I intend to do battle and kill each and all of them, so with their stolen booty we can begin to enrich ourselves. This is nobel, righteous warfare, for it is wonderfully useful to God to have such an evil race wiped from the face of the earth." "What giants?" Asked Sancho Panza. "The ones you can see over there," answered his master, "with the huge arms, some of which are very...
  • Hump-Day Humor

    02/03/2016 3:23:12 AM PST · by Reaganite Republican · 3 replies
    Reaganite Republican ^ | 03 January 2016 | Reaganite Republican
    More atReaganite Republican
  • Bumps on Your Head?

    02/02/2016 1:14:07 PM PST · by CharlesOConnell · 3 replies
    2/2/2016 | CharlesOconnell
    If you think there's something sexual or racial in "Shine On Your Shoes" from "The Entertainment Center" from " The Bandwagon (1953)", you need to have your head examined, you've been afflicted by "a bunch of heelots".
  • On, New Hampshire!

    02/02/2016 7:59:02 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 18 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-2-2016 | MOTUS
    Unless you’re a pollster I don’t think there’s any reason to slit your wrists over the Republican cauci results.Cruz: 28%Trump: 24%Rubio: 23%Congrats Ted, glad you won butt please clean up your act; we’re tired of smear campaigns and are looking for less, not more, politics-as-usual. And that victory speech: you earned it butt oy! Too long, let’s work on that. The Donald is the only one of the three who didn’t give a victory speech last night. At least he was gratious in his second place placement, and while he didn’t actually say anything other than he loved Iowa and...
  • Obama and Hillary Try Hand at Comedy [semi-satire]

    02/01/2016 12:02:13 PM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Perhaps looking toward a future outside of politics, both President Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tried out some comedy bits this week. The President made the first volley calling Hillary "wicked smart" and "warm and funny." Hillary countered with "anybody who know me knows you can't buy me." The host of the HBO talk show Real Time with Bill Maher, called the efforts of the two "deliciously absurd and surreal. I wish I had thought of these jokes myself."
  • MOTUS’ Handy Hawkeye Cauci Guide: I’d Caucus For That Guy Even If...

    02/01/2016 6:23:03 AM PST · by NOBO2012 · 3 replies
    Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 2-1-2016 | MOTUS
    Today’s the day we’ve all been waiting for: the Hawkeye Cauci! So grab your pork tenderloin sandwich and a couple of MAID-RITEs and caucus like your life depends on it. Because it does. So here are your cauci guidelines. “I would vote for the following candidates under the following circumstances…” Even if he shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die: Even if he shot a man in Reno in self-defense: Even if he shot a man in Reno, accidentally while cleaning his gun: Even if he shot a man in Reno, while demonstrating how dangerous firearms can...
  • Hillary is Transparent and Open | Humor

    01/31/2016 10:46:59 AM PST · by DanMiller · 8 replies
    Dan Miller's Blog ^ | January 31, 2016 | Dan Miller
    President Obama claimed to be the most open and transparent president ever but did not follow through. During her term as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton showed her persistent openness and transparency to friend and foe alike.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXWTdTnhebs Right. Hillary demonstrated her openness and transparency to the entire world  -- friend and foe alike -- through her use of an unsecured home-brew server for e-mails containing classified national security information. As of late December, more than 1,200 e-mails found on Hillary's server had been deemed classified. More continued to be found. According to a report by Intelligence Community Inspector General I. Charles McCullough III dated January...
  • Dems Craft Bill Criminalizing Anti-Muslim Speech [semi-satire]

    01/05/2016 10:05:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Rep. Donald Beyer (D-VA), along with 82 co-sponsors from the Democratic Party, introduced House Resolution 569. This legislation makes hateful rhetoric towards Muslims a crime in the United States. Beyer contends that "this legislation is needed to head-off the abuse of this beleaguered minority before it becomes entrenched." Religion-based hate crimes against Jews in the United States are five times as common as hate crimes against Muslims. Still, Beyer defended singling out crimes against Muslims for greater attention contending that "it's too late for us to try to undo centuries of anti-Semitism, especially if doing so would further inflame Muslims...
  • German Government Flummoxed by Muslim New Year's Eve Assaults [semi-satire]

    01/08/2016 10:16:31 PM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    On New Year's Eve, gangs of Muslims immigrants accosted, groped, assaulted, robbed, and raped women in Berlin, Cologne, Hamburg, Stuttgart, and Dusseldorf, Germany. Local police were unwilling or unable to come to the aid of victims, complaining that "there were too many offenders for us to contend with. They were throwing rocks and bottles at us. It was just too dangerous for us to get involved." Cologne Mayor Henriette Reker saw her city's police's inability to intervene as "a blessing in disguise. What we really have here is a clash of cultures. In the Muslim community only prostitutes and immoral...
  • Congress' Repeal of Obamacare and Defunding of Planned Parenthood "Un-Christian" [semi-satire]

    01/09/2016 9:04:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) denounced the passage of a bill that would repeal the Affordable Care Act and defund Planned Parenthood as "profoundly un-Christian." "The objection that the President's health care legislation is too costly and too coercive rejects the message Jesus tried to impart to his followers," Cohen maintained. "First of all, money is issued by the government. As such, aren't Christians instructed to render this money to the government if called upon to do so? Jesus didn't say it would be okay to resist taxes because they might be excessive or involuntary." "Second, even if we were to...
  • Sanders’ Campaigns Diverted Funds to Personal Use [semi-satire]

    01/11/2016 10:43:10 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    According to an investigation by the Washington Free Beacon, Democratic presidential candidate Sen Bernie Sanders's spouse Jane O'Meara Sanders, and stepdaughter, Carina Driscoll, both drew sizable salaries from Sanders's House campaigns between 2000 and 2004. Presidential campaign Press Secretary, Symone Sanders denied there was any scandal in how prior campaign donations have been deployed. "All of this money was freely given to him by his supporters," she pointed out. "Obviously, they could afford it." Ms. Sanders also argued that "it proves that Bernie is the 'family values' candidate. A man who takes care of his own family as well as...
  • NY Dems Demand Conservatives Leave State [semi-satire]

    01/15/2016 10:09:35 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    While at odds over whether the State or the City should get to expropriate citizens' wealth, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) both agree that "there is no place in the state for 'conservative extremists.'" The extreme views deemed by Cuomo to be "not who New Yorkers are," include "opposition to abortion, refusal to accept gay marriage as the law of the land, and an anachronistic attachment to the notion that access to guns for self-defense can be tolerated in today's world." "These extreme views go beyond the bounds of civil...
  • Obama Rejects Idea that Women Should Arm Themselves [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 9:37:25 AM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    When a rape victim queried President Obama at his recent town hall meeting to promote his latest set of executive actions impeding acquisition of firearms by law-abiding citizens he rejected her notion that having a gun for her own protection was her best option. "I'm sorry you were raped," the President told Kimberly Corban, "but fortunately you weren't killed. Most rape victims are not killed. If we allow you to have a weapon, though, the risk of someone getting killed jumps up to an unacceptable level. You acknowledge that your assailant was unarmed. You both came away from the encounter...
  • Gov't Hails Gains in Able-Bodied Adults on Food Stamps [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 1:23:34 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Since President Obama took office the number of able-bodied-without-dependents who are receiving government food subsidies has soared by 370%. This increase in participation by persons who in another era would have been expected to fend for themselves was hailed as "great progress on the President's goal of transforming America," by Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. "Relieved of the burden of feeding themselves, these individuals are free to pursue goals higher on Maslow's hierarchy of needs." One of the favorite "higher goals" of this segment of the population is smoking. Fully 50% of the subsidized beneficiaries are smokers...
  • Planned Parenthood Sues Anti-Abortion Group [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 3:09:07 PM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Planned Parenthood (PP) has filed suit against the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) alleging that "CMP has callously and covertly exposed us to suspicion and ridicule by airing private negotiations for the illegal sale of body parts salvaged from terminated fetuses." The suit alleged irreparable harm including "loss of taxpayer funding of abortions in some states, a decline in donations from benefactors horrified by the videos' portrayal of dismembered fetuses, insensitive Planned Parenthood officials and their rampant enthusiasm for turning unwanted human waste into useful items like expensive cars and bonuses for Planned Parenthood personnel." Congresswoman Diane Black (R-Tenn) labeled...
  • Sanders Refuses to Explain How He will Pay for All the Free Stuff He's Promising [semi-satire]

    01/17/2016 9:28:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Socialist candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders refused to answer any questions about how his Administration will pay for the plethora of taxpayer-subsidized loot he is promising to voters, saying that "it would spoil the surprise." "Does anyone demand that Santa Claus lay out a budget for all the gifts he gives?" Sanders wanted to know. "On one level, it would be rude to look a gift horse in the mouth. From a more practical standpoint, if I tip my hand ahead of time the people I'm going to ask to bear the expense may try to...
  • Pelosi Justifies $150 Billion Payout to Iran [semi-satire]

    01/18/2016 10:38:43 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) acknowledged that "Iran may do bad things with the $150 billion that will be released to them as part of the deal negotiated by the Obama Administration. "Will they fund terrorist cells?" Pelosi asked. "Undoubtedly, but these terrorists will only kill thousands. A nuclear weapon could kill millions. Under this premise, paying billions that would enable terrorists to kill thousands seems a worthwhile trade off." "Sometimes you've got to make a deal with the devil," she added. "For example, look at the deal Chamberlain made with Hitler in 1938. A small sliver of land...
  • Obama Blames Economic Stagnation on Republicans Behaving Selfishly [semi-satire]

    01/18/2016 2:40:59 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Rather than consider the possibility that the sluggish performance of the economy during his presidency may have something to do with his policies, President Obama blamed everything on "the GOP's selfish unwillingness to accept the will of the people and support my agenda." It is difficult to grasp the President's logic, though, since Congress, both before and after the GOP had the majority, has essentially acquiesced in every one of the President's budget requests and has failed to block any of the Administration's regulatory initiatives or executive actions. "The GOP leadership in Congress may have funded the programs, but they...
  • UN to Consider Emergency Aid to Islamic State [semi-satire]

    01/22/2016 10:36:48 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    A report that the Islamic State has been forced to cut the pay of its fighters in Iraq and Syria has sparked interest in a possible aid package for the beleaguered infant state. "It's a simple matter of fairness," UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon observed. "With both Russia and the United States taking military action against them the Islamic State is in deadly peril. Maintaining the necessary fanaticism for those it sends into battle absent adequate financial rewards may be too big of an obstacle for them to overcome. It may be appropriate for us to provide some funding to...
  • GOP Establishment Warms to Trump [semi-satire]

    01/23/2016 9:30:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential front runner Donald Trump boasted to rally attendees in Las Vegas' South Point Resort and Casino that "the Republican establishment is coming over to our side. They hate Ted Cruz so much that they're throwing their support to me." While there hasn't yet been an explicit endorsement from key establishment figures, Trump maintained that "it seems pretty clear that Sen. Dole and Sen. McConnell prefer me to Cruz. They recognize that I'm the guy who can reach across the aisle and make a deal with Pelosi (D-Calif) and Reid (D-Nev). Cruz has been the guy blocking consensus between...
  • Prof Debunks Idea that Right-Wingers a Bigger Threat [semi-satire]

    01/23/2016 3:45:52 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Professor Andrew Holt of Florida State College at Jacksonville has challenged the Obama Administration's contention that right-wing extremists pose a greater threat than Islamic terrorists. "If we look at all the casualties resulting from terrorist attacks over the last 15 years, the number of people killed by jihadis outnumber those killed by right-wingers by more than 60 to one," Holt said. Department of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson brushed off the professor's analysis as "a simplistic body count. Merely adding up the number killed assumes an unwarranted equivalence among those affected. All the victims of Islamic terrorists in the United States...
  • National Review Booted from Debate for Anti-Trump Editorial [semi-satire]

    01/25/2016 10:56:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    The Republican National Committee has uninvited the editors of National Review from participating in the GOP presidential candidate debate scheduled for February 25 in Houston, citing the magazine's stance against Donald Trump as "disqualifying bias," RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said. "It is my responsibility to protect all of our candidates from the baleful effects of media bias." The Chairman attempted to distinguish NR's "bias" from that of the liberal media personalities who regularly moderate GOP debates. "While everyone knows that media moderators are biased against Republicans, the bias is not explicitly overt," Priebus pointed out. "The sneers, the loaded questions,...