Kuntzman Cries! The perils of everyday life, as seen by Gersh Kuntzman

6/23/2016 | By Laz A. Mataz

[Lazamataz]

Gersh Kuntzman, a faltering lily from the New York Post, wrote a meek and scared little article on his experiences firing an AR-15. Here is a sample:

The recoil bruised my shoulder, which can happen if you don't know what you're doing. The brass shell casings disoriented me as they flew past my face. The smell of sulfur and destruction made me sick. The explosions — loud like a bomb — gave me a temporary form of PTSD. For at least an hour after firing the gun just a few times, I was anxious and irritable.

Someone then created a mocking satire piece of Mr. Gersh Kuntzman driving a Prius. It is printed below:

I decided to enter the funhouse. Here are my three entries:

[Lazamataz]

DAMMIT I hate typos in these things.

[Lazamataz]

Check out the latest entry: “Fluffy Wuffy Lambykins”... the Stuffed Animal of DEATH.

[Lazamataz]

I found one, I created four. :)

[TnTnTn]

What a ‘kitty’!

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Ok, this one did it.

Please add me to your ping list. :)

[showme_the_Glory]

Kant understand normal thinking.

[Lazamataz]

I love that. What a sitzpinkler.

I created a whole series of new ones over here. :)

[miss marmelstein]

Excellent! Where can I get one of these fluffy wuffies? I’d like to send it to ole Gersh.

[miss marmelstein]

I second that motion. It’s carried.

You know, only a week or two ago, someone here called somebody a Clymer. I felt so nostalgic!

[RikaStrom]

LOL, excellent mocking!

[Rainbow Rising]

Thanks to you, I’m sitting at my desk giggling like a lunatic after reading these pieces. My co-workers are giving me odd looks (even more than usual). I hope you’re happy.

Please add me to your ping list.

[Organic Panic]

Drinking hot coco is scary, confusing, and very very hot

The hot liquid seared my mouth, which can happen if you don't expect a cup of hot molten lava passing your lips. The smell of child labor and unfair trade practices assaulted the senses like the whip used to keep coco harvesters working. The brown opaque fuid was like staring in to the depths of a limitless abyss of suffering. How could someone pour hot fluid in their own mouth? The blister on the roof of my mouth left me unable to speak and I had to take two valliums and take a nap in my pajamas while mom rubbed my forehead.

[spel_grammer_an_punct_polise]

“I propose that, in the same vein by which “clymer” became synonymous with “anal sphincter,” a “gersh” becomes the very definition of a nutless sissy who wets himself at the sight of his own shadow.”

ROFL

Post of the day! ;-)

[Organic Panic]

Leaving my safezone is scary, harsh, and very very bright.

I was first assaulted by the overwhelming sight of blue up above. The bright lights and colors disoriented me in my cannibis fueled mellow. There were no puppies, kittens, or play-do'h play stations, and my sociaology professor was no where in the need of immediate protection. People passed without telling me how very very special I am. The trauma left me a sobbing mess unable to change my panties. I had mommy run a bath.

[rlmorel]

Good job, Laz! Made me laugh...:)

[MHGinTN]

Power to Elmo! All hail the mighty Elmo!

[Ketill Frostbeard]

I had a burrito for lunch I bought from a vendor.

I heard an evil hiss coming from between my buttcheeks.

I crossed my legs but the global warming gases keep expanding.

I can’t take it. Call the bomb squad. I think I’m going to blow.

[SAJ]

You owe our good FRiend Martin Fierro a hat tip, mate. He posted an essentially identical graphic here in 2005.

[Fast Moving Angel]

This one totally cracks me up. You’re awesome!!

[7MMmag]

Perfect followups.

You guys could join forces. Perform intellectual "poetry readings" (yeah, it's not poetry. So what?)

Call yourselves the Kuntzman Moar Kowbell Korus