"Church-speak" – Strange Things Church People Say"

Archdiocese of Washington ^ | 02-03-16 | Msgr. Charles Pope

[Salvation]

I was thinking of “consubstantiation.”

[toast]

I used the back of a 100 year old pew for the top of my bar in my basement man cave.
It's the back, not the seat. 100 years of church farts worried me.
It turned out really nice.

[Safetgiver]

I farted once in church on a pew. I was horribly embarrassed as a 10 year old kid, but one of the ushers came over to make things worse. He said “Did you fart?” I was so embarrassed I looked at him and said “No, sir. I always smell this way at 0900AM.” Years later we became friends because he laughed so loud the preacher chewed his ass out.

[KittenClaws]

The term Church Speak brings back a fond memory. Sorry it gets so long-winded, it's hard to set the scene sometimes.

I once dated a very dear and sweet man who was Roman Catholic.

I was enthralled by the Catholic Church, though ignorant of its traditions and beliefs. I knew the Catholic Church only from movies such as "The Bells of St Mary's" and "A Nun's Story".

His parents were visiting and I was invited to attend Mass with them the upcoming Sunday. I was hesitant because I was not Catholic and would not know what to do, but they assured me all was OK, that lighting would not strike if a Baptist attended.

It was such a beautiful Church, carved pews and high arched ceiling, it was absolutely breathtaking. Each look around, revealed more beauty than the other.

I was seated isle side and after prayer, I could not resist feeling the carved flowers and swirls on the arm of the pew and without conscience thought, I left my arm lightly rested there.

A few moments passed and as the Church grew quiet and expectant, my friend leaned over and whispered in my ear:

"Kay, you have your arm on the holy hump".

What?, I thought. The holy HUMP?, I whispered back.

"Yes, the holy hump, it's very disrespectful"

I quickly removed my arm and asked forgiveness for the profane thought I had about the name and for the disrespect I had shown. I looked for lighting bolts through the entire service.

And no, there is no such terminology - but one who did not know believed it for awhile.

[Mrs. Don-o]

I think by "new member" Msgr. Pope meant "new church-attender" or "new pewsitter."

Obviously, if she was not yet a member of the Catholic Church, she was not. yet. a. member. of. the. Catholic. Church.

[IYAS9YAS]

Did I dare tell her that the classes would be held in the rectory?

Yes, because turning away potential new church members with your sarcasm is a great thing.

[Mrs. Don-o]

The Rev. Jerry Falwell, commenting on Jesus' statement that in this world Christians must be "salt" and "light," once told some journalists that working with the media should be a "salt" ministry.

This wad reported as... wait for it ... "ASSAULT MINISTRY"!!!

[IYAS9YAS]

What's a "pew?"

The sound a kid makes playing army. "Pew pew pew! I shot you, you're dead!"

"Did not, you missed!"

[GOP Poet]

bookmark

[FamiliarFace]

Great post. #2 really hit home for me, and I suspect a lot of people are in the same boat.

[Wyrd bið ful aræd]

"Those long things that you sit on."

In my younger, immature days, I overheard someone give that exact description of a pew and without thinking I said, "twiss." I was somewhat shocked that the "church-lady" knew exactly what that meant. The verbal beatdown she delivered right then and there, cussing me out in the dignified way that only a "church-lady" could, put me off crass jokes for at least a week.

[FamiliarFace]

That’s awesome!

[free-in-nyc]

“I was convicted, now I’m committed, but I’m not crazy and I’m not going to jail.”

From “Turning Christianese,” parody song by Mark Bradford, from his album “Righteous Pop Music Volume 5,” to the tune of 80’s hit “Turning Japanese.”

http://www.creativemin.com/product/343/righteous_pop_music Track 4

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

What's a "pew?"

"At your service, monsieur!"

[married21]

That was kinda funny. I”m going to listen to the other songs, too, I think.

[GeronL]

"confecting the synaxis"

That sounds illegal.... :p

[dsc]

“Those “inside” religion have no idea what a howling, cold wilderness it is outside of it”

Putting in my glossary of quotations.

[Bigg Red]

:)

[free-in-nyc]

Some friends introduced us to those parody albums and we’ve enjoyed them.

[cloudmountain]

Catholic or otherwise, all churches should ban the use of acronyms, especially in conversation. This is especially difficult in large denominations. Terms like “rectory” and “sacristy” are a challenge. Maybe they could be explained in a glossary left helpfully in the pew racks?

If those adults had attended Catholic schools (K-12) those words would be common and ordinary.
75% of public school students fail college entry exams so they have take the bonehead English classes starting with Dick anbd Jane; 95% of Catholic school students pass college entry exams.

How much more do parents have to think? Many work extra jobs to make sure that their children can go to a school that teaches reading, writing and math, NOT self esteem, self esteem, self esteem and knowing how to read, write and spell only at a second grade level.

If said parents don't live near a Catholic or private school...then they can move. They can plan ahead, knowing what their school districts are like. Why wouldn't parents want the best for their children? Seems to be a no-brainer for me.