I’ve often thought that there’s a very fine line between perfect detachment and despair. When you surrender everything, Jesus is there, they promise ... but what if he isn’t? What if there’s just living death until there’s dead death?
I am -— in my more awake moments -— aware that I am betting my life on this.
Even after crashing into the same wall over and over again and we finally decide to call Jesus in, then we stomp our little foots and want the answer now!
When I was single the answer was clear. Retreat, even if it was just turning everything off and spending the weekend at home with Jesus. Now being married, having animals and for you all kids, grand kids, we all have jobs and or projects. It seems harder to just get with God. Where I can really hear him. Used to not be so hard. So is it me or him? 99.9% sure it's me!
I long for the days that I heard him more clearly, when I think back things were easier then. Was it because I had less complications or because I let him carry the ball?
I was once told, "It's ok to occasionally doubt your beliefs. Trouble begins when you start to believe your doubts."
In the intervening years, I've found ever increasing wisdom in those words. When one doubts or questions one's beliefs (of either profound theological or more temporal, mundane matters), one is prompted to dig deeper for answers, and the process tends to reaffirm and bolster those beliefs that are true and correct, and leads us closer to the truth for those beliefs which can not hold up to more intense scrutiny. Similarly, our doubts are often founded in fear, insecurity or self-deception. When we begin to trust in those, it is very disruptive to the soul.