Thank you for calling Heaven's Hotline!
Every call is important to us.
If you wish to access the Heaven's Hotline FAQ sheet, Press 1 to be connected to Catholic Answers
If you wish to access the Heaven's Hotline FAQ sheet en Espanol, Pulse 2 para ser conectado a Catholic Answers
If you wish to talk to GOD Himself, please realize His time is limited. Many other representitives and even His mother is available to handle your request, praise, plea, prayer and/or worship/adoration/veneration.
Stay on the line and one will be with you shortly.
Thank you for calling Heaven's Hotline! All lines are presently in use...
After receiving an answer from Heaven's Hotline, Press 3 to hear instructions for the correct amount of alms to be given to the poor. (Or Hail Marys...)
(Cue background music: Ave Maria )
From elsie, edited:
Thank you for calling Heaven’s Hotline! Every call is important to us.
For known earthly languages please press 1
All others languages press 2
If you know your parties extension you may dial it now.
For a dial by name directory, press 3 now.
To reach Mary, press 4 (4th person of the Godhead) now.
To reach an angel, press 5.
To reach a saint, press the star key.
To reach God Himself, press the pound key. Be aware however that wait times can be extensive, and therefore you are advised to go through one of His saintly secretaries or the angelic postal service. Many other representatives and even the heavenly mother-queen is available to handle your request, praise, plea, prayer and/or adoration/veneration (worship).
Your present wait time is approx.... 1 hour 15 minutes.
If disconnected try calling back at another time.
To make a donation to spring a soul from purgatory, press 4. All major credit cards are accepted.
To make a withdrawal from the Treasury of Merit, press 5. You must first register an account or sign in thru Facebook.
If you wish to access the Heaven’s Hotline FAQ sheet, Press 6 to be connected to Catholic Answers.
If this is an emergency to deal with those pesky “chapter and verse” Protestants, hang up and dial 611, and choose among different answers, Bible texts and ad hominems to keep them busy.
After receiving an answer from Heaven’s Hotline, Press 7 to hear instructions for the correct amount of alms to be given to the poor. (Or Hail Marys...)
(Cue background music: Ave Maria )