Ever seen somebody impaled on something? Unless it goes in rather raggedly, leaving a large hole, the nail would essentially fill the hole, with coagulation filling in around the edges for the most part. Crucifixions normally kept the individual alive for days, not hours.
I understand your quip - I am guilty of suchlike myself on occasion. But I say Baa to your post; you should feel sheepish and come home wagging your tail behind you.
Authority? Josephus? or what?
And about the side wound from being stabbed to assure He was dead? There was an incision, and both blood as well as fluid from the pericardium flowed out, excessively. His heart was greatly enlarged from the torture, IIRC from doctors' estimation. No chance naturally then to get the heart back into pumping condition ...