Posted on 05/04/2012 8:50:12 AM PDT by SeekAndFind
Myth #1
Living together first will tell us if we are right for one another.
No it won't. You are comparing apples to oranges. Just because one tastes good or bad to you doesn't mean the other will taste the same. Marriage is a totally different proposition than simply living together. Marriage is built upon a promise before God to remain faithful to one another. Living together involves no such promise. You could fail at living together with someone you may have succeeded with in marriage. It all depends upon how much both people are relying on God for assistance and love. By the way, the divorce rate of couples who live together first is significantly higher than for those who do not.
If your partner will not commit to you for life, don't deceive yourself into thinking that he or she will be willing to make that commitment at some later point. Marriage is a promise to stay together. Living together for many couples lasts about 18 months, give or take. At the end of that year and a half, you still have no idea how your partner might have done if you both had taken the plunge and made a lifetime commitment to one another. Now you will never know. You settled for the easy way in and the easy way out. Your shot at true love with that person gets blown away with the wind if you decide to shack up first.
Living together prepares people to find reasons not to get married. Marriage, on the other hand, is based on unconditional love and a lifetime commitment. It is not an "audition" for marriage like you have with cohabitation. All of us are imperfect and bound to slip up at various times during the audition. Talk about conditional "love." It's "I love you" now....and "I will really love you" once you prove you are worthy. You better walk on eggshells in that situation. It's get pretty dicey in a hurry....and awkward.
Myth #2
Living together will show us if we are sexually compatible.
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No it won't. That would be true if you were animals....say dogs for example. You are human beings. You both have a soul. Sex between dogs is only physical. Sex between human beings was designed to be physical, emotional, and spiritual. God designed it in such a way that sex outside of marriage will never produce what I would call a "spiritual orgasm." That is why it leaves you still feeling empty after the physical orgasm has gone away. Without a spiritual union through Christ, sexual compatibility is only measured in a superficial way.
If you have not yet had sex in marriage while both of you are born again and living for Christ, then you have no idea what you are missing. It is the total package....body, soul, and spirit. No wonder people without that union are often drawn to continue experimenting sexually to try to satisfy their hunger for a spiritual union in sex. That hunger can be satisfied, but only in marriage and only when both the husband and the wife are believers in Christ.
Myth #3
We are just as committed to each other as a married couple.
No you're not. Neither of you are "all in." You are both "hedging your bets." You are both still "kicking the tires." Your "commitment" is conditional. It's not "for better or worse." Instead, it's "for better or....see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya." Anyone in that situation must surely feel the pressure to perform. You have been given a trial run by your partner. Aren't you lucky.
Deep down, you know in your heart that marriage is far more than a piece of paper. It is a promise before God to love and cherish your spouse for life. People who only shack up also make a promise, sort of. "I promise to do my best....and to watch you very closely to determine if you are worth it. If it doesn't work out....oh well. It's not like we were married or anything."
Myth #4
Our friendship won't suffer by moving in together.
That's what you think. Your friendship will soon become tense and uncomfortable. You went from courtship to "no man's land." You're not married, but you're not really dating either. How boring....and unnatural. No wonder the comfortable feelings of friendship soon turn into the awkward feelings that come with shacking up. It's "friends with benefits....minus the unconditional friendship." There is always the fear of being kicked to the curb if you don't measure up. No security. No deep peace. Hence, you end up with a strained relationship that is fraught with angst. Not exactly the ingredients of a healthy friendship.
Myth #5
We can love one another just as much without marriage.
No you can't. God says so. It would be true if you had evolved from a monkey. In that case, the Bible would only be a storybook filled with fantasies. As it is, you did not evolve from a monkey. You were created by God in His image. He consists of three Persons in One God....Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. You too are a being that is three in one....body, soul, and spirit. Monkeys are not three in one. God did not institute marriage between monkeys. God did not promise to bless a union of monkeys.
You have no idea how much love can fill your heart for your partner until you receive God's love in Christ and get on the "marriage train" for life. Comparing living together to marriage is comparing apples to oranges....and maybe even to bananas....you know, the kind monkeys eat.
Good article.
Missing component, though, is the grace from the Sacrament of Marriage — a true covenant with God.
My husband and I didn’t live together even one day before we got married. He didn’t even move his stuff into my place until after we got back from our honeymoon.
And we don’t regret it at all. The article is spot on.
No issues with compatibility or any of the other myths.
We dated for one year and were engaged 2 years before we were married. The reason we didn’t live together is that we are both committed Christians, so none of these invented issues that are actually excuses were a problem.
We did, too, and we’re 30 years later, but I have to say — the minute I said “I do” our relationship changed tremendously. I knew it in my bones. And we were just in front of a judge; I couldn’t have done more (thot I was going to die, haha).
What were you going to do if she got pregnant just as you were coming to the conclusion that she was insufferable? Were you thinking of the potential risk to a child of having parents who were not yet married?
‘If’ is for children.
Your question is just as easily asked, “What were you going to do if she got pregnant just as you were coming to the conclusion that she was insufferable after you were married?”
“If” is for people who assess risks.
People need to do much better at getting their heads together before their bodies.
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Excellent article and appropos for people of any faiths. Of course some couples do live together without marriage and wind up marrying happily. But most do not.
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Same here. My wife and moved in together while we were still engaged. It just didn’t make sense for me to extend the lease on my apartment. Despite S&F’s links, at 20+ years we’re still in love, still together, raised children to adulthood, etc. I think he’d have us believe, that those who don’t believe as he does are doomed to a life of misery pain.
RE: I think he’d have us believe, that those who don’t believe as he does are doomed to a life of misery pain.
Again, that’s not what I am saying.
I am simply citing STUDIES that show that those who live together before they are married are MORE LIKELY to be divorced that those who don’t.
Not that I wish it on people. I am simply citing STATISTICAL data.
Using your great marriage as an example (and bless you for that) is akin to showing several examples of women who are taller than men and then on that basis telling me that women are taller on average.
“People need to do much better at getting their heads together before their bodies.”
Ridiculous statement. It assumes living together is about sex and not a mental exercise to determine compatibility. It also assumes two people not living together cannot somehow have sex.
“People need to do much better at getting their heads together before their bodies.”
Ridiculous statement. It assumes living together is about sex and not a mental exercise to determine compatibility. It also assumes two people not living together cannot somehow have sex.
You sound like a prudish pilgrim adverse to sex. Are you sure you have a healthy marriage?
“Of course some couples do live together without marriage and wind up marrying happily. But most do not.”
Most people divorce including those that never lived together, so you only told half the truth when you said that, and half the truth is still a lie.
What is that supposed to mean? BTW it is well known that although (last figure I saw) roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce (and that may have changed), that includes second, third, fourth etc marriages. It is not that out of every couple who marry for the first time, half divorce. So, in order to accurately count divorces, accurate count of how many times people have married must also be done.
I can see you are clinging to your point of view that living together without marriage is benign or good. Or whatever. Cling away, but the facts belie your belief.
Look at how the sixties brought in so much immorality. Look at how Obama and many hippie minded leftist have lost all moral bearings, and look where they have been taking our Nation, down the sewer hole. First came free "love" and shacking up with each other, aborting unwanted children, babies sacrificed on the alter of selfishness. Then came homosexuality being promoted as a great and beneficial life style and now even extended to the promotion of pedophilia. There are now so many women having children without a father being around to help raise them. Many of these children grow up unbalanced mentally, sexually, and spiritually. Who needs a father, when father government is willing to take care of you from cradle to grave. The welfare mentality is passed down from one generation to the next, but the immoral, leftist Democrats get their votes. The fruit of immorality is rotten and increasing exponentially. You are either taking a stand for truth, morality, and all that is good and holy or you have, through a poor example and moral lassitude, caved in, and are a part of the problem.
It is amazing how many people deign to think that they understand and know human nature and what is good better than the God of the Bible. Positively amazing and completely wrong. It's called sin. If wise, people who have had sex outside of marriage, for any reason, will come to the place where they understand that it is sinful and must be repented of. None of us are near perfect, and many of us have sinned grievously in our life times, but that doesn't mean that we should shamelessly say that something that we have done that is sinful is good, just because we think that it worked out OK for us. After all many of the the worst of sinners often, in their own eyes, think that they are just fine. God is willing to forgive anyone who comes to Him with a repented heart, but when we excuse and promote our brand of sin, we are against Him, and all that is good.
I can see that you’re argument is rooted deeply in a bed of religious belief, so I will offer no counter. However, while my faith does wax and wane, I cannot claim to share your belief, hence your argument rings hollow to me. So, I will show you the same respect that I show the adherents and true believers in all religions and proclaim your right to your belief.
What about God? As I look at it, living together outside of marriage shows disrespect to God because He created marriage.
RE: What about God? As I look at it, living together outside of marriage shows disrespect to God because He created marriage.
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That my friend is a problem.
If one takes the Bible seriously, then of course, living together before marriage (and having sex outside of marriage) is WRONG.
Unfortunately, not everyone ( even FReepers ) is a serious Bible-believing Christian. Therefore, they are not likely to be convinced by Bible verses you quote on them.
Their arguments are likely going to be more of this form — “Well, cohabiting before marriage worked for me.”. End of story. Just read some of the responses to this thread and you begin to understand.
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