First, The TOP 10:
1. How you interpret it is wrong...
[But we're either too elitist to condescend to you & show you what's right...or, we're too lazy 'cause we delegate these things to our unofficial apologists & PR spokespersons...which is the only time you'll see a female carry more weight than a male in the Mormon church!]
2. You are too ignorant to really understand it because you are not a member...
['Tis only AFTER you become WELL-initiated into our cult, occult style (occult as in the literal meaning of the word, "hidden")...
...That we begin to open your scaly eyes about what we really practice!
--(After all, if we revealed the holy underwear, special handshakes that your spirit needs to do when your dead, & masonic ritual stuff we stole & other stuff up front, who'd join?)]
3. You're not qualified to judge because you're no LONGER a member...
[That's a given...I mean even tho we don't believe hell is eternal, we've signed a special "waver" in your case 'cause you qualify as a former Mormon apostate!]
4. You are just a bigot for bringing the whole ugly truth to light ...
[Only Mormons have a right to designate all other churches as false, dead, & apostate & governed by abominable creeds. If you elect to continue to reference us in any negative light, we will add another ad hominen to our attack arsenal & reference you not only to be a "bigot," but we'll get those lurkers to "ooh" & "awe" by tossing out our handy-dandy "anti-Mormon" label...we'd use the cross to ward off anti-Mormon vampires like you...except...except...well, we don't believe in displaying crosses...]
5. So's yer Mama!
[Have ya ever noticed we talk about our father-god in heaven all the time, but hardly e'er a word about our mom-god there? Well, we know dad-god likes to keep her barefoot, pregnant, and in the bedroom.]
6. Laugh it all off and post some silly image.
['Cause we haven't given you enough "ammo" yet with our silly magic underwear, our Kolob colony, our eternal polygamy, our Adam-is-god, our racist teachings, our you-have-to-shed-blood-for-some-of-your-own-sins-just-Jesus'-blood-just-didn't-cut-it, our ya-gotta-track-down-all-stone-age-&-dark-age-genealogical-records-'cause-our- god-has-a-fair-system-of-baptizing-hundreds-of-billions-of-dead-people-in-our-11-dozen-temples, & the rest]
7. Jump down the rabbit hole; Alice! [we mutter uncontentiously]
8. Bait & Switch
[Well, besides seeing #2 -- it's like an early date...if these marriage prospects really knew us for who we are, would we even get a second date? Why else do we spend $billions on our image-marketing & PR efforts?]
9. The OTHER 'half' of the truth is what we are avoiding.
[So, please put away your Paul Harvey style of presenting us with the "rest of the story"...it's giving our burning bosoms heartburn...or showing us that's what it was all along]
10. "I Know It When I See It"
[As two Mormons have now posted the following quote twice in Lds-initiated threads, it must be 'cause it's one of their "fave" sage comments: "If Mormonism were a cult, I would know it, and I would not be in it." -- Orson Card, end of article @ Hey, Who Are You Calling a Cult? I from 2008 and Hey, Who Are You Calling a Cult? II from 2011 ]
The NEXT 10:
11. Hand waving...
[Well, it's not really hand-waving...just flexing our fingers and hands for that power sign language apologetic that we're about to just blow you away with!!!]
12. YOU play defense for a while.
[What? You don't interpret our "offense" that we've been giving to you in sign language throughout this thread? Your loss, then!]
13. HEE Hee hee... let's get the Calvinists and the Armenians fighting!
[Besides we're tired of being under seige...it's not just the Evangelicals on our right flank, either...the RLDS & FLDS are to our rear & eatin' up our PR budget like crazy! Harry Reid & Mitt Romney are on our left flank & wow! There goes our marketing dollars up the chimney! And then there's a fifth column rising up from within! Oh noez!!!]
14. GREAT FUN! Let's get the Catholics and the Protestants fighting!
[Pay no attention to our wizard, Joe Smith, behind that screen with his face in his hat, 'seein' things that he dictated to a scribe who chiseled what Joe said about Protestants, Catholics & Orthodox in Mormon stone...I mean, just 'cause our evals of you Christians are etched in a prophet's stone whereas your comments about other Christians are like letters to the editor, so what??]
15. Huh? Did you say something?
[See, our missionary background has only taught us to make sure you are hospitable when we rudely interrupt your life at your porch...Us? Who said we had to be hospitable & engage in dialogues? Besides what would or could we say once the conversation extends beyond those those Mormon missionary scripts we were given way back when?]
16. If I repeat this enough times some folks will be fooled into thinking it's true.
[Hey, if our 19th century "United Order" could unwittingly fuel Soviet Communism * (see * below), then turn about is fair play if we borrow something from the Communists!]
17. Playing dumb.
[Well, more often that not, if truth be told, we're not really 'playin'...but hey, "Seminary" classes as a description of what's learned there is a bit of misnomer there, after all]
18. Refusing to answer because your ATTITUDE offends them.
[Can you spell S-U-L-K city?]
19. (Let's see if they'll fall for the 'Defend a freak' ploy.)
[Elsie, ya gotta 'plain this one]
20. And the MOST used... IGNORE what they posted and answer the question that SHOULD have been asked.
[Well, it's not our fault that the 'inquirer' skipped his line in our Mormon missionary script!]
* Amplification of #16 amplification! From Mormon author George W. Givens, 500 More Little-Known Facts in Mormon History, p. 185):
"One of the most famous utopian books ever written was Looking Backward by Edward Bellamy, published in 1889. Some scholars believe Looking Backward had considerable influence in the making of Lenin's Soviet Russia. If this is true, then [ensuing Lds "prophet"] Lorenzo Snow and the Latter-day Saints must receive some of the credit--or blame. Hearing of the success of the United Order in Brigham City, Edward Bellamy made a special trip to Utah in 1886 to study its operation. There he spent three days with Lorenzo Snow, Brigham City's founder and forty-year resident. Impressed with the thirty to forty industries run by its 2,000 inhabitants and the vitality at that time of one of the most successful United Orders, Bellamy returned home and wrote his influential book."
Way to go, 19th century Mormon leader-“prophets” of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, John Taylor & Lorenzo Snow!!! They all unwittingly fueled Soviet Communism!