My former mormon husband and his father both had to drive a 30-mile round trip every day, just to have their morning coffee in a neighboring town, lest they be seen! FIL gone now, but according to my daughter, Ex is still doing it, LOL.
If you LEAVE our precious Organization (the ONLY one with Authority, I might add) to do it; then you are some kind of vile sinner.
If you STAY in our Organization and do it; THEN you are a vile HYPocrIt!
--MormonDude(I am SO worthy!)
This doesn’t exactly sound like a sinner who wanted the “easier” life does it?
http://www.exmormon.org/boards/w-agora/view.php?bn=exmobb_recovery&key=1203872202&newest=1203954683
Sometimes I Wish I Could Go Home. I had lunch some time ago with a bright faced young man. He is my friend, he feels like my son, he was my AP. I’ve written about him before. He called me the other day, said he had some news, could I spare some time. Always. I arranged to pick him up. He opened the door with outstretched arms, a warm embrace, one without reservation, one full of love.
“I love you president”.
“I love you too”, “you don’t need to call me that anymore you’re a grown man now”.
“Don’t know what else I’d call you!”
“Well, my name is good.”
“OK, I’ll try president.”
“Thanks Elder” I say with a smirk. He repeats my given name with a silly grin on his face.
The restaurant was uncrowded. The lunch crowd has dissipated, and the dinner crowd was a long way off. The waiter was friendly, and patient, it took us a half hour to even look at the menu. It was fun talking to my friend, my son.
“We are pregnant”, he blurted out with a tremendous grin. “You’re name will be his middle name.”
Tears welled up. “Are you sure?, what an honor.”
“I want to make sure that you stand in the circle when we bless him”.
My heart skipped a beat, and sunk just a bit. An old longing tugged at my chest. I didn’t answer, instead “how do you know it will be a HIM?”
His face was beaming, his countenance bright, he didn’t miss a beat, “because you’re name in the middle would be weird for a girl”.
There was that laugh I love to hear. The laugh of an all too serious young man. An incredible young man. It’s hard for me to admit that the Church has played a large role in his making. Yet I know it did. He asked again, “so you’ll be there right”.
“I’ll try”.
His smile faded a little, “I know you’ll be there.” He has no idea.
Sometimes I want to go back. Sometimes I yearn for it. Sometimes I’ve laid awake at night and thought about what I have lost, what might have been had I continued in faith. Contrary to popular Mormon belief, the road out of Mormonism is not the easier path. At least not for me. I often long for the brotherhood, I miss the surety of the meaning of life. I long for the common goals and faith that bound me so firmly to my community, and to my family. I miss the contentment of faith in a benevolent and loving Father in Heaven. There is much to regret on the path out of Mormonism. It is a road often strewn with sacrifice and tears. It is a road that disappoints so many who love me, and I them. I’ve often wondered if the sacrifice to myself of feigning belief was worth the benefit of the happiness it would bring to those that surround me. But what of integrity, what of truth to thine own self?
And so it is this very longing, this very loss of contentment, this very affront to the truth which rips at my very heart that brings me to despise the lie. The lie that promised me so much, that exacted from me my very soul, and then is revealed a deception with evidence so clear that the honest mind must yield, at least it is so with me. Where once was brotherhood is now only loneliness, where once was surety is now only doubt, were once was contentment is now only disgust, were once was love is now only spite. And yet one is truth, the other a lie.
Oh what might have been? For me the Church has made the lie sweet, and the truth bitter. There is no turning back. There is no way to gain ignorance where it is replaced with knowledge. And yet ignorance was blissful wasn’t it? What might have been had a lie not turned my world on it’s end. I can never know. I only know I was happier before. Perhaps it’s not bad to be a little naive. Alas, I can never go home for it would require a suspension of reason beyond my ability.