Let's see... In the news today, Tom Hanks, desperate for work after the failure of the Da Vinci Code, had to be escorted off the set of Doctor Who...
... Nah, I'll leave that to the pros.
Posted on 05/19/2006 6:40:58 AM PDT by dangus
As the Da Vinci Code's approval ratings (15%) appear to be settling far beneath even President George Bush's immigration program, and left-wing conspiracy theories begin to sprout up that the whole controversy is just Karl Rove's evil plot to distract America from the Iraq War / Halliburton / The Washington Nationals' bullpen woes, I thought I'd see if it were possible that such a poorly reviewed movie could become a hit. So I checked the list of 324 movies which have made $100 million for any movies which seemed like they could have gotten such low ratings. These, then are the most critically unliked "hits" of them all:
Pearl Harbor, 25%, $199 million
Home Alone 2, 19%, $174 million
Fantastic 4, 25%, $155 million
Cheaper by the dozen, 24%, $139 million
Bad Boys 2, 25%, $137 million
Godzilla, 25%, $136 million
The Flintstones, 6%, $131 million
Van Helsing, 22%, $120 million
Hook, 21%, $119 million
Wild, Wild West, 19%, $114 million
Crocodile Dundee 2, 14%, $109 million
I put "hits" in quotes, because several of these movies cost far more than $100 million to make, and any movie which loses its makers tens of millions of dollars cannot properly be called a hit in my book.
At 15%, the Da Vinci Code is about as popular as Madeline Albright's remake of "Beach Blanket Bingo." I did think the Da Vinci Code was popular enough with so many readers it had to be a hit. Think "The Phantom Menace," a movie so bad it took shell-shocked fans months to admit how bad it was, despite featuring the bastard love child of Goofy and Barnie. Then again, Jar-Jar Binks was a bit easier to make into Happy Meal toy than a dead, naked curator with a Pentagram scratched into his back. But I didn't expect the French critics at the Cannes Film Festival to agree to authorize military action against Ron Howard.
It's unclear how the critical disaster will affect the careers of the stars of the Da Vinci Code. Rumors have it that "Wilson" is refusing to appear in "Cast Away 2," and Aubrey Tautoo has been roaming the streets of Paris, screaming at random people, "That's 'Amelie,' not 'Gigli'!"
THE
CLINTON
CODE
If you thought The DaVinci Code was shocking, you ain't heard nothing yet. Everything the media taught you about the Clinton's is wrong. The Clinton Code reveals that Bill did not rape Juanita Broaddrick, did not sexually harass Katherine Willey, and did not have improper relations with Paula Jones, Jennifer Flowers or even Monica Lewinski. These were all a big cover up for Bill's real passion.....12-year old boys.
The Clinton Code takes you inside the secret society, the Sid Blums, a society dedicated to protecting the dark secrets of socialism and communism. How the secret blood line of Marx, Lennin, and even Hitler all lead to a little girl named Hillary Rodham. How the secret rituals of the Sid Blums concerning the shoes of Hillary Rodham lead to the firing of Dick Morris and to Dick's new role in infatuating the other side by giving bad advice and making predictions that never come true. Also the book reveals the story behind the mysterious death of Vince Foster, and how the Clinton Body Count actually grossly underestimates the carnage left behind by the Clintons.
DISCLAIMER: This book is not anti-anything. The Clinton Code is a novel and therefore a work of fiction. The artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals depicted in this novel all exist. This disclaimer takes no stance about the theories discussed in this book. This book serves only to open up discussion on these important topics. In fact, I am a supporter of the Clintons. If you ask what a Clinton supporter is, everyone will give you different answers. To some to be a Clinton supporter, you must have voted for them. To others, liking them is all it takes. I prefer not to rigidly classify this personal concept, so to me being a Clinton supporter simply means to seek the truth out about these SOBs.
OK folks, we finally figured out what Dennis Miller's FReeper handle is :)
No mention of the R'ychs, a race of evil dwarves determined to subvert economic prosperity?
Let's see... In the news today, Tom Hanks, desperate for work after the failure of the Da Vinci Code, had to be escorted off the set of Doctor Who...
... Nah, I'll leave that to the pros.
They'll never succeed - the Jesuit Midget Assassins will take them out long before. And should the midgets fail (which I seriously doubt), the Opus Dei albino midget blowgun assassins will hold the line.
A novel about all the Clinton conspiracies would pretty much write itelf.
good morning all,
i was wondering why so many people take pride and joy bashing on movies? Isn't that what we used to do maybe in grade 3?
Best regards.
I could be a liar like Dan Brown and his brain-addled fans, and claim "it's only humor," but I will admit that I am pleased to see the movie discredited.
Just so you know, the author of the book went around to every talk show there was to proclaim that the background of the book was entirely factual. The background falsely accuses Christianity of being nothing more than a sick fantasy devised by sexually frustrated men as an excuse to slaughter tens of millions of innocent women.
Liberal,
You're condescending style aside, this web site is for serious discussion of conservative issues, and a little gleeful humor at liberals' expense. Your poorly informed and intellectual weak defense of Jihad, abortion, and drug use is not appreciated in these parts. If you want to construct well-reasoned challenges to conservative presumptions, that'd be one thing. Although even in that case, you'd probably be eventually told that the purpose of this web site is informing conservatives, not left vs. right debate. But I am quite certain that no-one comes here to read liberals engage in adolescent, passive-aggressive, name-calling.
I'll leave it up to the admin whether to zot you or not (especially since I don't have the power to zot anyone), but I will say that you do not serve yourself or your liberal causes well by simply coming around conservative web sites and acting the way you do.
Admin: This post, taken by itself, is, of course, quite harmless, and hardly the most offensive thing I've read this week on this site, but I suggest you may wish to review the sum total of this person's posts and decide whether banishment of education is the appropriate course of action.
Actually, I got my information from Rotten Tomatoes, and posted this as a thread in their forum.
Favorite lines:
"The most controversial thriller of the year turns out to be about as exciting as watching your parents play Sudoku." -- Washington Post.
"In the opening scene of The Da Vinci Code, an old man is gutshot by Paul Bettany, who has been covered in pancake makeup. The film then cuts to a lecture delivered by Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon, a Harvard professor of “religious symbology,” who is in France presenting what appears to be a version of the “What is This Picture” feature from Jack and Jill magazine (you know, the one where a super close-up of a weird shiny black object is revealed to be a button). As this lecture goes on the old man is dying offscreen, but not before he runs around the Louvre leaving anagrammatic messages written in the invisible ink pen he keeps on hand for any such occasion, as well as rehanging a giant framed painting he took off the wall while being chased by Bettany. Everything that follows in The Da Vinci Code is ludicrous, but nothing ever manages to top the image of this old man, bleeding profusely from his stomach, picking up and rehanging a huge painting.." -- CHUD
"Bad enough to offend even an atheist" -- Chuck O'Leary
"It's sad to admit it, but those who would have the movie banned might have actually have done the ticket-buyers a favor." -- Rebecca Murray
"Catholic writer Mark Shea tells an anecdote about a college bull session among students at Central Washington University over The Da Vinci Code. “Even if it’s just fiction,” a student opined, “it’s still interesting to think about.” To which another student replied: “Your mother’s a whore.” And then, to the first student’s stunned incredulity, he added, “And even if that’s just fiction, it’s still interesting to think about.”" -- Decent Films Guide
"Paint dries faster, and leaves you feeling less violated"
"Howard's relentlessly gloomy tone leaves viewers sleeping on the edge of their seats" -- Dan Lynbarger
And I couldn't find this one again to source it, but it was a beaut which I must paraphrase: "If a movie can't even make a self-flaggelating assassin albino monk fun...?"
"You know a movie's a dud when even its self-flagellating albino killer monk isn't any fun. "
-- John Beifuss, COMMERCIAL APPEAL (MEMPHIS, TN)
"Retarded, ridiculous and crushingly dull."
-- Devin Faraci, CHUD
"For people who insist that the movie is never as good as the book, your case just got stronger."
-- Matt Pais, METROMIX.COM
" "That it is risible and dim-witted doesn't make it less disgusting."
-- Steven D. Greydanus, DECENT FILMS GUIDE
Brown certainly has an agenda against the Catholic Church. Was he expelled from the Catholic church? Or is he Muslim?
Good morning sir,
So everybody must have the same point of view and agree on evertyhing? please tell me where i am being that aggressive? Maybe you could answer me on private mail as it is a bit off topic...
Best regards.
Even the positive reviews are bad.
He does echo Muslim slanders against christianity, but Brown's ideology is borrowed chiefly from a French Nazi and a British witch.
The Da Vinci Code will make plenty of money this weekend. But generally movies that are this critically panned have a hard time retaining audiences after week one.
Having seen the film on Thursday with a couple of other staff members from our church (I work in our media department), I will say the Da Vinci Code is tedious and boring, and easily Ron Howard's worst film as a director... yes, even as bad as The Paper, and EdTV. The film just drags on and on (needed to be trimmed by 30 mins or so), and Tom Hanks is just horrid, he's there to pick up a paycheck... nothing more. The audience reaction was tepid at best. Some people were clamoring how great it was, but the general buzz seemed to be "too long" and "Boring."
I suspect a $60-70 million opening (not nearly as big as some industry types are predicting), but the wild card in all of this is another movie opening this weekend.... Over the Hedge.
I got to see and advanced screening this week, and boy what a GREAT family movie. Funny, cute, moves fast, and is wildly entertaining. Hammy the squirril steals every scene he's in. And I must say, the final 15 minutes of this film are probably the funniest fifteen minutes I've ever seen put to celluloid.
Over the Hedge could be huge this weekend. It's opening in more theaters and is over an hour shorter... thus more screenings this weekend. I would not be overly surprised if Over the Hedge wins the box office battle this weekend.
The tell tale sign will be Saturday's numbers. If Da Vinci's Saturday numbers barely go up, or even... gulp... go down from Friday, Hanks and company could be in for a very short ride.
Yancy
please freepmail me the final 15 minutes-- who is the last descendant?
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