Allah Declares Virgin Shortage; Announces Recruiting Drive

Holy Books | September 12, 2003 | nwrep

[nwrep]

OLD WALLED CITY: Speaking to reporters at a press conference called during his trip to the Middle East, Allah today said that there is an acute shortage of virgins in paradise.

"The stock of virgins, carefully cultivated since the middle ages, is now facing a rapid decline. This has presented us with our most serious situation in a millenium", he said, in response to a question. The extraordinary popularity of suicide terrorism, beginning in the 1970s, was to blame, he suggested.

"Martyrs can no longer assume they will get all 72 virgins promised unto them in the scriptures, and will have to wait, sometimes for long periods of time, to get the divinely promised quota", he warned.

NEW RECRUITMENT STRATEGY

However, to remedy the situation, Allah also announced greater emphasis in recruitment drives for virgins, as well as a new strategy which takes advantage of resources that had traditionally not been tapped.

"We are ready to dip into the vast pool of virgins available in the western world", he said, while handing out photographs shown below as examples.

[ZULU]

"We are ready to dip into the vast pool of virgins available in the western world",

Methinks Allah has been sleeping of late!!

[dennisw]

Allah Is In The House

http://allahakbar.blogspot.com/

 

[TightyRighty]

You win!

[cavtrooper21]

"Bbaaaaahhh"
"Bbbaaaaahhhhh"

[NewRomeTacitus]

72 white raisons. Muhammed was insane. The bloody riff between Shiite and Sunni is insane. Taking the word of biased clerics over common sense is insane. Killing female relatives to cover one's own crimes is insane. Impoverishing one's family by forbidding females productive work is insane.

Forget all of that. It is far easier to blame misfortune on the infidel Western culture than to see the light of reason.

[lawdude]

Young Islamic radical is working for a shepherd. He goes to the shepherd and asks what they do for sex out there in the sand dunes of Iraq.

"Well", says the shepherd, "I usually take the services of one of the sheep in the flock."

The young boy is a bit perplexed but he goes to the flock and has is way with a ewe.

Upon returning, he says to the shepherd, "That wasn't particularly satisfying!"

The shepherd responds, "Well, what do you expect? You picked the ugliest one in the bunch!"

[Frank_2001]

LOL!

[cavtrooper21]

EEEEwwwwwuuuuuu...

No pun intended....

[RippleFire]

Someone stole the virgin from my previous post! Here's another:

[RippleFire]

Someone stole the virgin from my previous post! Here's another:

[RippleFire]

Someone stole the virgin from my previous post! Here's another:

[joe032783]

Hi everyone. I found this forum somehow by searching for the "blues for Allah" Grateful Dead album. Anyway,

I am a Muslim fundamentalist (meaning i believe that my religious book is from God). I believe the the Qur'an is the word or God. I believe that more than a thousand years ago Muhammad received the Qur'an as a revelation from God.

It seems to me that most of the comments here confuse people who say they are Muslims, with the ideals of the religion.
The same thing happens with Americans actually. I am also an American. It bothers me when people put down America, but then again, America doesn't always live up to its ideals. Americans are also guilty of acting selfishly and denying people their freedom or lives. On other levels though, America almost lives up to the Islamic ideals of taking care of orphans, and providing people and their families with security.

As to the specific point of the virgins in heaven, it's a matter of interpretation. It is also related in the Qur'an and by Muhammad that paridise is greater than the best place that anyone can imagine. That said, any description can not be as great as it actually is.

As far as who is sent to heaven and who is sent to hell, God knows. There are stories related where someone mentioned to the prophet that a man who died in battle was surely a martyr and going to heaven. the prophet scolded the man, saying, "only God knows who will go to heaven." And i'm sure you all have probably heard that we have the idea in Islam that ,"when someone saves one life, it is as if he as saved everyone in the world, and when someone kills someone(unjustly) it is as if he as killed everyone in the world."

One last thing. "Allah" means "God." The Arabic speaking Jews and Christians in the mid-east use "Allah" for God.

[DannyTN]

"I've always wondered about this. Is it 72 for each or far all? "

What I want to know is where are they going to find 72 virgins who were so bad that they deserve to be one of 72 handmaidens to a bloodthirsty terrorist for eternity.

I mean...they are VIRGINS...for crying out loud!

[Centurion2000]

I am a Muslim fundamentalist (meaning i believe that my religious book is from God).

Your religion is a arabic-totalitarian meme / ideology used for spreading evil in the world masquerading as religion. Repent while you still can.

Why worship a god that sent a murdering pedophile as a prophet anyway ?

[DannyTN]

Hi! I'm your virgin #8

[joe032783]

man, there are five central points to islam
1 belief in God
2 prayer
3 charity
4 fasting in Ramadan
5 making a pilgrimage once in a lifetime to mecca

you shouldn't fight unless your freedom is at stake. you should only have sex with your wife or wives. that's islam in a nutshell. if you want to make stuff up i can't stop you, but atleast i can explain my religion as correctly as i can

[DannyTN]

No No Not me! YOUR virgins are right behind me!

[dennisw]

Jihad is the sixth pillar of Islam

[joe032783]

says who?

[kevao]