The art of being gay

The Sydney Morning Herald ^ | July 15 2003 | Tim Duggan

[presidio9]

Have you heard the latest? Not only are metrosexual men taking all the good appointment times at waxing and hair salons, now they are taking over the gay dance floors.

A new breed of men, including the Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh in his younger days, prefers to haunt gay venues to pick up women. "It was prudent to act a little camp," wrote the straight Scot in his London Daily Telegraph column last week, "as the straight, good-looking girls had no shortage of vanity and would try to get you over to the other side."

Never one to miss a bandwagon, and especially not one as potentially lucrative as this, I have decided to open a college to teach straight males the art of being gay. The Gay Academy for Youth (because youth is valued above all in gay culture and anyone over 35 is immediately banished to a faraway place) will take the form of a four-day camp.

Day one: grooming. How to get ready for a night out in just under an hour, along with the finer details of shaving v waxing. Other topics include the short-back-and-sides haircut and the gym as your new best friend.

Day two: music.

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The lesson will begin with a musical tribute to our forefathers, featuring Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand. At the end, you will be split into groups and must debate the topic: Kylie v Dannii. Extra marks will be given for drag impersonations, preferably with ill-fitting dresses, bad dance moves memorised in front of the mirror and out-of-sync miming.

Day three: dancing. Topics include the dying art of how to dance while flexing (tip: keep your arms as close to your body as possible). Other topics include dealing with confined spaces, when to put your hands in the air and deodorant for beginners.

Day four: picking up. This is the most popular lesson and will teach you the finer details of kissing (how much tongue is too much), the morning after, the art of text messaging and how to spot stalkers.

At the end of the course there is an optional excursion to Sydney's largest gay nightclub. Here you will learn exactly why the ladies' loo is always quicker and you'll hear various theories on the best place to park yourself for the night (right near the loo because everyone has to go at least once during the night).

On completion of the course at the GAY, participants will receive a certificate that they can proudly display on their (very neat, clean and off-white) bedroom wall. And the next time you're in a stylish bar trying to chat up the ladies you'll be able to swap waxing tips and Minogue gossip with the best of them.

And if anyone who hasn't been on the course asks you what team you're on, slowly run your manicured hand through your short, clean hair and politely reply, "Oh, Australia's, mate". That'll keep 'em guessing.

[Ciexyz]

Perhaps the author had Russell Crowe's camp Aussie movie "The Sum of Us" in mind when he wrote the last line.

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[ICX]

I ran into this article over lunch. Needless to say, I am no longer hungry.

[Mr. Mojo]

A new breed of men, including the Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh in his younger days, prefers to haunt gay venues to pick up women.

Why would straight women hang out at fag bars, and why would any straight guy want to meet this type of woman?

[Mr. Mojo]

"as the straight, good-looking girls had no shortage of vanity and would try to get you over to the other side."

I see. ...But my second question still stands.

[presidio9]

To say nothing about the question: Why would a sane man want to sleep with a woman who regularly has sex with gay men? Why not develop a heroine habit and start sharing needles too? Move to Hati while you're at it.

[Clint N. Suhks]

because youth is valued above all in gay culture

Maybe because they are more likely to be pedophiles???

Just Maybe???

[Imagine]

Homosexuality:

Homosexuality is deviant sexual behavior and a mental illness.

Homosexuals: 1) subject their body parts to uses nature did not intend, such activities often presenting immediate risk to the participants; 2) are prone to greater suicide, depression and other mental disorders and deficiencies than the heterosexual population at large; 3) are prone to far greater sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS, than the (normal) heterosexual population; 4) molest young people (pedophilia) at a far greater rate than heterosexuals; 5) engage in degrading sexual promiscuity, oftentimes engaging in risky sex with many partners during the same event; 6) are engaged in aggressive and widespread efforts to indoctrinate our children by introducing the homosexual lifestyle using public schools as the primary indoctrination “vehicle” and likewise, through the movie/music/TV industry, with the dual goals of gaining school-age acceptance of homosexuality and encouraging sexual activity among children, especially same-sex experimentation; 7) view most everything through a mindset heavily biased in favor of the homosexual lifestyle and culture, which renders them mostly useless when asked to opine on matters that normal heterosexuals better resolve.

The mental deficiencies described herein applying to homosexuals shall not be confused with the deficiencies associated with the left wing democrat/socialist/marxist/ feminist/environmentalist minds, etc., which have their own distinct set of mental disorders.

This doesn't even touch on what the Bible has to say about homosexuality.

[presidio9]

8)are actively engaged in a campaign to discredit the Catholic Church.

[GSWarrior]

I think this article is meant to be humorous.

[LQDSWRD]

This is all very strange. However, it does bring up a strange phenomenon. In high school and college, I always noticed that the gay guys were always surrounded by the hot and popular girls. There was nothing sexual between them. The girls trusted these guys because they knew they wouldn't try to come on to them and could "relate" to them. It baffles me. Still, there's no sense in learning the art of being a fruitcake. If you're that desperate for a woman, rent a videotape or get on the internet and watch a live cam or something.

[Destructor]

"The lesson will begin with a musical tribute to our forefathers, featuring Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand."

They left out Ethel Mermon.

[Imagine]

Yes, but really all religions that take a stand against homosexuality. Right?

[Billthedrill]

"Homosexuality - I tried it once but I didn't impale."

(OK, so I stole the line from Mark Steyn...so sue me...)

[presidio9]

Nope their hatred for the Catholic Church is unique.

[vaudine]

To make a fool of them for being straight. It is an unfortunate fact of life that many young women think the love of a good woman can change a man.

All this trash about homosexuals dating straights, getting married, having children (in the usual manner)leaving wife and kids, etc. just proves one thing to me. They were not born that way. It is a chosen/learned behavior,and the psychiatrists were wrong when they took it off the list of mental problems.---I say this while I still can, before our courts declares such statements hate crimes.

vaudine

[presidio9]

Homophobe!!!

[John H K]

To say nothing about the question: Why would a sane man want to sleep with a woman who regularly has sex with gay men?

Boy, are you out of it :-)

The women that hang around gay bars and clubs don't have sex with the men.

They just enjoy the environment, and have a lot of gay male friends.

A few will get infatuated with gay men and fall in love with them, but they're doomed to be disappointed.

"Fag Hags" as they're called, include a heck of a lot of really intelligent, hot women. They still will attempt to meet straight men, etc, but they hang out at gay clubs as a way to escape from the meat market of regular bars.

[gcruse]

And dont' forget the art and science of maintaining optimal buttcrack, the going-away cleavage.