Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
Maybe if he'd had some plain old sex he wouldn't give it up so easy. All that exchanging spirits and stuff is exausting, I prefer the quickie roll in the sack myself. ;-)
It sure is successful in the survival of the fittest.
It is not for us to judge by our conceits--our mental fashions--which measure of brain activity is meritorious.
Nature is the only real judge of that.
Yeah, I know. I'm just not as religious as some folks here. If it feels good, smells good, tastes good, looks good...it's a sin.
There's a difference between wanting to have sex before marriage and choosing to honor God and one another by waiting to have sex until after marriage. A person of character can choose not to act on every desire that comes his way, if to do so would be contrary to what he believes is "right" behavior.
I gave a Sweetie a diamond ring four months to the day after we met. About four months after that, I gave her a matching gold ring. That night, we were too tired to do anything. But after that...
Still, for some people more time may be needed. I wouldn't fault a woman who, after five months, announced that if she didn't have at least a schedule, if not a ring, she wasn't going to stick around forever.
Note that I wouldn't fault a man for wanting to wait until after specific events before getting engaged. For example, if they were planning a trip to meet her parents, I wouldn't mind him waiting until after such meeting to make his proposal, even if it was more than six months after they first met.
If the woman asked for a commitment out of the blue after six months, and dumped the guy because he wasn't willing to promise within five minutes that he'd marry her, I'd blame the woman. If, however, she game him a reasonable timetable to make such a decision and he refused to either make it or negotiate a different but specific timetable, I'd blame him.
If my wife were still alive, she'd rebut that claim.
I'm almost 40. About three years ago, a friend my same age was married to a man after knowing him for about six months. She was certain she was in love; so was he. They divorced six months later. For some it may work, but six months is certainly not the definition of enough time. Courtship can take YEARS. I think it should take years. People are complex and getting to know a person, really know a person, takes time. Given the prevalence of divorce in our society, why rush into marriage?
Naw, just because he doesn't know if he wants to marry a woman in six months doesn't mean he's a control or any other type of freak. It means he's careful. That's a good thing. That he doesn't want to sleep with her unless and until they're married is an even better one.
Look at it another way. Let's say he gives her the committment after six months. The ring, the plans for the wedding, the whole nine yards. They have sex before marriage and then she decides that he's not the guy for her. He's blown his principles for nothing.
The strangest thing is this story all turned around. Women used to be in his shoes upholding morality. Now women (in general) are so slutty that they have no morality. I'd say N.O.W. has done its job.
There's your mistake. There is a difference between "wanting to" and actaully doing so. I've *wanted* to have sex with several women but I've always resisted the temptation and am still single. Maybe she would have said no and maybe I didn't want to have to deal with the rejection or perhaps I would have left her feeling insulted that all I really wanted was sex when I actually wanted more.
You're worldview is the common one where sex *is* the endgame for men. I'm not that way and never have been. I want to give and receive love, not just have sex but it's become difficult to find even women who grasp that concept.
Tell Jesus
And having sex outside of marriage constitutes a "commitment"?
Assuming you're right for argument's sake only, better to be commitment-phobic and celibate than to be commitment-phobic, sleeping around, and possibly fathering unwed kids, getting STDs, etc.
My nomination for quote of the day.
I credit our 42 years to not trying on every shoe to see if it fit..
Stats show the divorce rate is higher amount people that live together before marriage than those that do not
People that fall into the sack to see if they "fit" often substitute that for a relationship where they really have to talk about things and ideas and see if they will be friends AFTER they are married a couple of years
Advice to my children..marry a friend, it gives you something to talk about outside the bedroom beside "positions "
Mistake.
That's odd. My husband has always said that was one of the things that attracted him to me, that and my sense of right and wrong. Different strokes, I guess.
Or they have self control:>)
BINGO. It's quite troubling to see this in a supposedly "conservative" forum.
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