[Dog Gone]

Someone rained on his souffle.

[xp38]

Monty Python Scripts


Restaurant Sketch

The cast:

WIFE
Carol Cleveland
MAN
Graham Chapman
WAITER
Terry Jones
HEAD WAITER
Michael Palin
MANAGER
Eric Idle
COOK
John Cleese

The sketch:

(Scene : A couple are seated at a table in a restaurant.)

Wife: It's nice here, isn't it?

Man: Oh, very good restaurant, three stars you know.

Wife: Really?

Man: Mmm...

Waiter: Good evening, sir! Good evening, madam! And may I say what a pleasure it is to see you
here again, sir!

Man: Oh thank you. Well there you are dear. Have a look there, anything you like. The boeuf en
croute is fantastic.

Waiter: Oh if I may suggest, sir ... the pheasant à la reine, the sauce is one of the chefs most
famous creations.

Man: Em... that sounds good. Anyway just have a look... take your time. Oh, er by the way - got a bit
of a dirty fork, could you ... er·.. get me another one?

Waiter: I beg your pardon.

Man: Oh it's nothing ... er, I've got a fork a little bit dirty. Could you get me another one? Thank you.

Waiter: Oh ... sir, 1 do apologize.

Man: Oh, no need to apologize, it doesn't worry me.

Waiter: Oh no, no, no, I do apologize. I will fetch the head waiter immediatement.

Man: Oh, there's no need to do that!

Waiter: Oh, no no... I'm sure the head waiter, he will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him
at once.

Wife: Well, you certainly get good service here.

Man: They really look after you... yes.

Head Waiter: Excuse me monsieur and madame. (examines the fork) It's filthy, Gaston ... find out
who washed this up, and give them their cards immediately.

Man: Oh, no, no.

Head Waiter: Better still, we can't afford to take any chances, sack the entire washing-up staff.

Man: No, look I don't want to make any trouble.

Head Waiter: Oh, no please, no trouble. It's quite right that you should point these kind of things out.
Gaston, tell the manager what has happened immediately! (The Waiter runs off)

Man: Oh, no I don't want to cause any fuss.

Head Waiter: Please, it's no fuss. I quite simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your
complete enjoyment of the meal.

Man: Oh I'm sure it won't, it was only a dirty fork.

Head Waiter: I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that... no apologies I can make can alter
the fact that in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery...

Man: It wasn't smelly.

Head Waiter: It was smelly, and obscene and disgusting and I hate it, I hate it ,.. nasty, grubby, dirty,
mingy, scrubby little fork. Oh ... oh . . . oh . . . (runs off in a passion as the manager comes to the
table)

Manager: Good evening, sir, good evening, madam. I am the manager. I've only just heard . .. may I
sit down?

Man: Yes, of course.

Manager: I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork.

Man: Oh please, it's only a tiny bit... I couldn't see it.

Manager: Ah you're good kind fine people, for saying that, but I can see it.., to me it's like a
mountain, a vast bowl of pus.

Man: It's not as bad as that.

Manager: It gets me here. I can't give you any excuses for it - there are no excuses. I've been
meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recendy, but I haven't been too well ,.. (emotionally)
things aren'tgoing very well back there. The poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old
Mrs Dalrymple who does the washing up can hardly move her poor fingers, and then there's
Gilberto's war wound - but they're good people, and they're kind people, and together we were
beginning to get over this dark patch ... there was light at the end of the tunnel . .. now this . .. now
this...

Man: Can I get you some water?

Manager: (in tears) It's the end of the road!!

(The cook comes in; he is very big and comes a meat cleaver.)

Cook: (shouting) You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him!
He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty
feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honourable Man, whose boots you are not
worthy to kiss. Oh... it makes me mad... mad! (slams cleaver into the table)

(The head waiter comes in and tn'es to restrain him. )

Head Waiter: Easy, Mungo, easy... Mungo... (clutches his head in agony) the war wound!... the
wound... the wound...

Manager: This is the end! The end! Aaargh!! (stabs himself with the fork)

Cook: They've destroyed him! He's dead!! They killed him!!! (goes completely mad)

Head Waiter: (trying to restrain him) Mungo... never kill a customer. (in pain) Oh . .. the wound! The
wound! (he and the cook fight furioasly and fall over the table)

(On the Screen a Caption appears - 'AND NOW THE PUNCH-LINE')

Man: Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife...

[Chancellor Palpatine]

Emeril Lagasse would've said "@#&* 'em", and opened three more gourmet restaurants, attesting the wonderfulness of healthy portions, pork fat, garlic, salt, and spices.

[Sloth]

Top 5 Signs Your Chef is Suicidal:

5.) Teardrops in the bouillabaisse.

4.) Copies of Suicidal Chef magazine conspicuously scattered about the kitchen.

3.) Spends too much time with head stuck in oven.

2.) Gives away his wire whisk.

1.) Binges on Velveeta and Ritz crackers.

[RIGHT IN SEATTLE]

put salt on his snail

[verity]

It seems that self inflicted food poisoning would have been more appropriate.

[It's me]

I am sure that Bernard was very affected by the loss of these two points

I am sure that Bernard was very affected by more that just the loss of these two points!

[CaptainJustice]

Is that for real? It sounds like an onion article, or an episode of the simpsons. "If they give me four stars, I'll just die!" I'm worried about my corrupt state government running CA into the ground, gas prices are huge, I'm worried about the repurcussions of this war (it has to be done, but it will be scary for a time) and this frenchy kills himself over a review from "all-powerful food critics". Life-imitates-satire...

[sonofatpatcher2]

[muleskinner]

Col. Mustard was seen leaving the dining room with a candlestick.

[CaptRon]

Not a candidate for the "Iron Chef" competition I guess.

[E Rocc]

“I am sure that Bernard was very affected by the loss of these two points. We should not allow ourselves to be manipulated like that – I give you a star, I take one away,” Bocuse said. “These critics are like eunuchs: They know what to do but they can’t do it.”

He added: “The profession is going to react.”

One wonders if the critics will....errrrrrrrr....give in.

-Eric

[Pagey]

He added: "The profession is going to react".

Oh sure, and REACT HOW may I ask? That's Right,you'll do nothing. It's too bad he couldn't learn the lesson I learned in High School: "What other people think of you is none of your business".( that's true whether you're world renowned cook or not) Those words allowed me to develop a sturdy spine and changed my entire life. What a selfish S.O.B. too, leaving his wife to deal with everything.

[xsmommy]

french chef ping.