Human Shield Survival Guide

The Washington Dispatch ^ | 2/24/03 | Bob Parks

[bocopar]

A comprehensive instructional aid which will help the volunteer "Human Shield" avoid unpleasantries associated with incoming ordnance, toxic gases, chemicals, viruses, and possible radiological exposure.

[Terriergal]

ROFL!

[Magoo]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LMAO!!!!!!!!!

[shhrubbery!]

Great advice, provided your New England cellular carrier has thoughtfully installed some cellphone towers nearby an Iraqi power plant in the middle of the desert.

They probably won't have cell phones anyway.

The Iraqis confiscate cell phones from the human shields as they enter the country. (This is according to an article in the Morris County Daily Record, concerning our own local fool, Methodist minister Frederick Boyle, who was last heard from calling from a public phone.)

[Consort]

Human Shield Disclaimer:

Dead Human Shields will be referred to as organic debris and will not be categorized as collateral damage.

[OldCorps]

can you imagine the orders given to US soldiers going into a firefight in Bagdhad?

If you come under fire, please try to avoid civilian casulties when returning fire. Especially avoid the dingy looking american shields with pasty white skin, dirty hair, wearing blue jeans and a t shirt with a three ring target on their back. They will not have bathed in a month and will be waving placards at you and screaming slogans like "No Nukes" and "No justice no peace" and No war for big oil" etc. You are not authorized to engage these unarmed civilians, even though you might think they are traitors and are a risk to your life. After all, even though they think you are a fasciest tool of the ruling class, they are your moral superiors!

Yea, Right!

[redheadtoo]

Station yourself as a "shield" at an orphanage or other non-military target. This allows you to play hero while not actually putting your ass in any real danger.

Ignore the fact that the United States Military would never deliberately bomb civilians targets but that Saddam has gassed 100 thousand of his own Iraqi citizens. This allows you to compare George Bush to Hitler and call Americans Nazis.

Finally don't deny yourself the comforts of home. Your fellow shields, stationed at a water purification plant, have brought along their plasma TV. This allows you to forget that you could never afford such luxury at home because you're to busy protesting to actually hold down a job.

[Billthedrill]

I've decided to do my part as a human shield. Should those militarist nazis decide to target McCorry's Bar and Grill, they're gonna have BtD to deal with. It's gonna require some long hours, but no sacrifice is too great in the cause of peace...

[Freedom4US]

Well, I'll bet my last P-38 that's a real problem. Guaranteed our guys will have to put their lives at (more) risk in order to avoid/find/save/hide those knot-heads, when it comes down to it.

[jiggyboy]

God bless you BtD, make sure to write your wife every day!

[Utah Girl]

Great post! I'm still laughing.

[Mr. Mulliner]

I'm still laughing.

Are you laughing AT them or laughing WITH them?

[Utah Girl]

I'm laughing at the Survival Guide, it is a hoot, a satire. It took me a minute to figure it out.

I feel sorry for the misguided human shields. They are so naive.