Over-parenting

Scripps Howard News Service ^ | 1/2/03 | BETSY HART

[Valin]

When I was visibly very pregnant with my second child, I appeared on a news program with a woman billed as a "child advocate." During the commercial break we chatted and she asked me about the impending birth.

Knowing a few things about "child advocates" I rather mischievously responded that this was my second baby, so my husband and I were then a third of the way to our goal of six. Just as I suspected, she was shaken and abruptly responded, "Six! How will you ever give so many children individual attention?" I responded, "I don't know - I guess they'll just give one another attention." My "child advocate" friend was singularly unimpressed with that answer.

[fml]

Getting made fun of because something was missed on TV? If thats as bad as it gets your doing all right.

[Straight Vermonter]

As someone from a traditional Catholic family we older kids were expected to help parent the little ones. I think now that I learned so much from the experience and I have a wonderful bond with my youngest sister to this day.

[Valin]

The one I love is the bumper sticker "My kid is an honor student at _____ ,
Maybe someone could tell me why I'm suppose to give a damn?

[Snowy]

Two years ago when my daughter was five, my wife said "When you move out to go to college..." and my daughter burst into tears. After we consoled her we had a good laugh about it.

My 11 year old says to me, "Mom, please stop bugging me!". I tell him, "hun, it's my job. If I didn't bug you, then maybe you wouldn't move out of this house after college!" I then use his uncle as an example, and he can see my point. :)

[netmilsmom]

Go out into the woods on a summer's night and see if you can find silence. Whether it is the radio playing music, the tv or crickets and frogs, noise is part of our lives. I have the ability to read a book on a bus, or a map in a crowd. I think this is not a bad thing.

[lizma]

Sounds like my Christmas except this kid was 9 and dad's divorced from mom. I watched him scream and hit his dad in crowded restaurant and be rewarded with a bag of candy. Amazing. Even after this kid was expelled from kindergarten a few years ago his parents continued their "progressive" parenting techniques. Kid's hosed.

[netmilsmom]

I been with those parents!!!!!
"Johnny, it's not nice to hit Mommy."
"Johnny if you hit me again, you won't have a popsicle."
"I mean it, no popsicle."
"Here, here is a popsicle, now stop hitting me."
Oh Lord!

[brewcrew]

No, it's not bad to be able to shut out distractions. I, for one, cannot do it very well, especially with music playing because I am a musician, and my ear is trained to listen actively to music. But I truly believe that the soul needs to listen to the beauty of silence from time to time.

[FLAMING DEATH]

Good article.

I noticed that quite a few people have come on here and said that they have been "uber-parents" and their kids turned out okay...

My ex-fiancee had a kid, and she was/is an uber-parent. The kid was a terror and she refused to see it. The boy was considered for retention in the first grade, and at least one of his teachers suggested he be on Ritalin (not that I think it was necessary, he just needed a stronger hand).


It was amazing how inventive she was at excusing him for his behavior...things that she would then turn around and criticize other children/parents for doing.

My point is, eveyone thinks their kid is great. I don't think it is possible to judge your parenting philosophy by what you think of your own kids. You HAVE to love them...that's the rules. So, you aren't going to be objective.

My question is, what does everyone ELSE think of your kids?

[irish guard]

WEll, I dont mind bragging about my own kids to people that ask or will listen, but this is truly a form of bragging that makes little sense to me. it is either the highest level of bragging or a way for insecure people to feel more secure. Either way, it says a lot about their need for self-esteem.

[netmilsmom]

My father always said, "I want my children to be welcomed anywhere." and raised us that way.
Other people tell me that my kids are wonderful. I believe this only because when they do misbehave I act on it. One can not blame the child for behavior as much as the parent. I do not have a problem with correcting my kids in front of other people. As long as the parent is putting in an effort, I will overlook a child's behavior. It's when the parent is silent as the child pulls down my drapes that I have a problem.
One day I was at a neighbor's house. She is the sweetest woman in the world with a daughter with a bad mouth. When her child yelled at her in front of my kids, I told the daughter, "Don't yell at your mother. It is a bad example for my kids." Later the mom thanked me. I am not perfect but I try.
Or as a dear friend of mine says, "Sometimes you should pick up the kid and slap the mother with him."

[fml]

You make a valid point although because they are uber-parents the are also able to disregard any critisism and avoid reality. Besides teachers or family, who is in a position to discuss such problems? Teachers and neighbors tell us our kids are a joy. I suspect teachers and neighbors tell all parents this, though.

[frnewsjunkie]

LOL... doesn't it just blow your mind!

[frnewsjunkie]

Congrats!

Parents need to look ahead... and realize their child will be on his own all too soon. Prepare them for that.

Parents aren't supposed to be their child's playmate.

If I was bored as a kid... I was told there were chores that needed to be done.

[Desdemona]

Parents need to look ahead... and realize their child will be on his own all too soon. Prepare them for that.

If nothing else, please teach children their way around a stove and how to do laundry. I'm the oldest of 5 and believe me these little skills helped more than anything else - especially the day my little brother called me at work and said, "Uh, Des, how do you do laundry?"

[RipeforTruth]

Children seem to grow up quickly after ten or so.

A friend of mine said that we parents will have more years interacting with our children after they become adults than we had with them as children.

Personally, I see that good communication with one's children is a necessity and a challenge--especially with competing influences in today's world.

[Labyrinthos]

Uber-parenting pretty much ruined my marriage and my self-esteem as a father. I refused to allow our children to dictate every aspect of our lives and as a result my ex, her family, her friends, my family, and even my own friends accused me of indifference, selfishness, and neglect. I believed -- and still believe -- that the best way to ruin a kid's good time is to get the parents involved in the kid's activity. Kids need to make their own fun, and in the process they will develope their imaginations and learn important adult tools such as making laws and rules and negotiating the disputes that inevitably arise when kids play. I argued to my ex until I was blue in the face that kids don't have to participate in every organized activity; the word "no" is one of the most important words that an adult can use when speaking to children; we should save our praise for the big stuff rather than ooohhhing and aaaahhhhing over every smile and fart; and a simple cut on the finger should require no more attention than the two minutes needed to clean and bandage the wound.

My ex spent so much time uber-parenting our two kids that she never seemed to have enough time to spend with me, and I'm not just talking about sex, but also about basic conversation. I would call home, for example, at the end of each the day to let her know my schedule, only to have the kids interupt the conversation on her end of the line. She would then ask me to "hold on for a second" while she turned her attention back to the kids. I finally told her and the kids that unless there's a life or death emergency, then the kids better not even so much as open their mouths while in the same room where an adult is talking on the phone, and that the next time my ex interrupted my phone call to tend to the kids I would hang up. As we had this conversation, they were all looking at me like I was crazy. The following week, when she allowed the kids to interupt, I fullfilled my promise to hang-up.

Eventually, the kids figured out that mommy and daddy had different approaches to parenting and they played us every way they could, and my ex would try to capitalize on the dissention. When I refused to budge, she accused me of being verbally abusive and controlling. I offered to go to family counseling, but she refused claiming that the problem is mine, not theirs. I went anyway and discovered that I was not the mean nasty person they made me out to be. I also learned in counseling about the concept of uber-parenting (although my counselor called it something else) and when I showed my ex an article that my counselor had given me about uber-parenting, she was still unable or unwilling to recognize herself as an uber-parent or accept any responsibility for our marital problems. Although divorce should be a last resort, I have absolutely no regrets.

[frnewsjunkie]

No one told me the "young" years with our kids would pass so quickly.

"Yes" ... on the interaction with our adult children. If we haven't made a correct impression by the age of around 10... it's almost too late after that. So much is already set. Not that it can't be done... but it's uphill after a certain age.

It's like walking a tight rope, to know when to reign in and when to let go. I used to say raising children was like walking in the dark. But... be fair, don't be afraid to say "no", know who their friends are, and let them make a mistake or 2. Hurt when they hurt, and LOVE them always!

[Domestic Church]

"...we older kids were expected to help parent the little ones."

This is a very important part of the social fabric( and reinforced the family values, not the school or daycare system values) that has been depleted and the results are apparent in American society.

The family cohesion is vital to the survival of our nation as a free republic. We've already marginalized our elders and now are being brainwashed to do the same to the children. The two income family has forced many to limit family size and delegate essential family time to total strangers.

Even the most mundane family time spent together has an inherent value on every social level. One point I would like to mention as an aside, is that home educators across this nation are for the most part living on incomes between $25,000 and $50,000 so there are good options outside the box but they are not necessarily easy ones to make.

[Gophack]

I love Veggie Tales. Until a song gets stuck in my head. There's a lot of funny stuff it in!