Over-parenting

Scripps Howard News Service ^ | 1/2/03 | BETSY HART

[Valin]

When I was visibly very pregnant with my second child, I appeared on a news program with a woman billed as a "child advocate." During the commercial break we chatted and she asked me about the impending birth.

Knowing a few things about "child advocates" I rather mischievously responded that this was my second baby, so my husband and I were then a third of the way to our goal of six. Just as I suspected, she was shaken and abruptly responded, "Six! How will you ever give so many children individual attention?" I responded, "I don't know - I guess they'll just give one another attention." My "child advocate" friend was singularly unimpressed with that answer.

[frnewsjunkie]

I had 5 also... and I second the high-5 to the author!!!

It's amazing how well children amuse themselves when given the chance.

[NativeNewYorker]

When my son is very agitated for no good reason, I ask him,"Is your weiner on fire?"

His laugh breaks the tension, teaches him to keep things in perspective, and teaches him to wait.

[Gophack]

'Don't bother me unless you're bleeding.'

I've used this line before, especially when I'm cooking or paying bills.

I have three and a half kids, and virtually all my friends (unless they have 4 or more kids) are condescending and ridicule our decision to have a large family. When I had my son (#3) 20 months ago, many of the people I met said, "Oh, now that you have your son are you done?"

I was happy with two kids, I'm happy with three, and I'll be estatic with four. Being my generation, I do spend more on my kids and less on me, my husband and I have cut back our "dates" from once a month to once a quarter (babysitters are expensive!) and I do play board games with my kids. But, I also tell them no, I'm busy; I'm cooking; I'm resting; I'm taking a private bath and if you come into my bathroom you'd better be bleeding.

My oldest (9) often watches my son (a handful) so I can shower, talk on the phone, read my email, make dinner, or just lie down for ten minutes because I work all day. They have a great relationship. Though 7 years apart, I know that when they are grown they will be very close.

This article is very interesting ... we doted on our first born (as I think most parents do) and she has the hardest time playing alone. She's also the family hypochrondriac. She's also very, very smart and in an advanced class at school. My second we didn't coddle as much. She plays very well alone and has an incredible imagination; even when she's bleeding she says, "I'm not hurt!", and she's still smart. They are both great kids. And my youngest ... he's spoiled rotten by ALL of us, and he'll probably have his nose out of joint when the baby is born, but I think everyone will be just fine.

I guess the point of my story is that love is the single most important ingredient in the family, and my kids have never doubted our love.

[Gophack]

I am an only child to a single mom and she worked full-time. I had a great relationship with my grandma, who watched me after school. My mom and I played board games almost every night, but I also read extensively and had lots of friends on my street (that was when you could let kids go out on the street without adult supervision!) My mother NEVER missed a soccer game, but that was the only sport I played. It was my responsibility to get to soccer practice (I had a bike).

Like I said above, I think it's all about love. If you love what your kids are doing and being with them, and you love time alone with your husband, it all works out. As long as your kids know you love them and love your spouse, they will turn out OK.

P.S. I'm all for educational toys, though ... because virtually EVERY toy is a so-called "educational" toy if the kid likes to play with it!

[BillyBonebrake]

I just spent Christmas week with such "uber-parents" and the entire week was spent listening to a screaming five year old. The boy ran the show. And his father NEVER left him alone. This boy has yet to learn how to play with himself, and will grow up thinking the world revolves around him. Shame on his father. A bleeding hearted liberal, btw, who lets "good intentions" get in the way of good parenting.

[netmilsmom]

Your thought about LOVE in the family is too true!!
We kiss, hug and smothers the kids in love. I even lie in the bed until they fall asleep. However, what I hear from other mothers is that they must put the kids in preschool, soccer, ballet or whatever so they can have some time away!!!! Right in front of the kids!!!! I NEVER have to dump my kids, I can read a book, play on the computer or do laundry with them right there. I want my family to love being with each other, although sometimes my 5 year old takes long bathroom breaks to have alone time from her sister. Sometimes I do too or go to the kitchen to watch the evening news. It doesn't kill any of us.

[rdb3]

The youngest of 7 kids bump!

Birth of Tha SYNDICATE, the philosophical heir to William Lloyd Garrison.
101 things that the Mozilla browser can do that Internet Explorer cannot.

[Carolinamom]

One of my friends (mom of one who Cloroxed her daughter's toys every night) asked me if I was "worried" and "lonely" when each of my kids went off to college. Sure, I missed their presence, but I was not worried, and they came home too frequently for me to be lonely.

All of them graduated, two with advanced degrees, and they continue to be successful, hard-working, fun-loving, and delightful parents to my grandchildren (who are also delightful)! I rest my case.

[Gophack]

(I believe that if the tv is on, it is not forbidden fruit...

I am TOTALLY with you on this. As long as it is age appropriate I don't care if my kids watch tv (there is too much junk on it). We have virtually every Disney video, VeggieTales, Arthur, Barney (they've outgrown it), etc. ... easily 300 kids videos. They can watch a few shows on television (my oldest likes Brady Bunch!).

For the most part, my strategy worked. My oldest could care less if the tv is on. My second likes it a little too much, but since I regulate what's on I don't think it's a problem (besides, she's usually playing while watching, or becomes distracted and leaves the room.) My toddler likes two videos and that's it.

Anyway, I have friends who don't allow any tv except on special occasions, and their kids, when the tv is on, will sit in front like zombies. My kids see me reading books when the tv is on and know it is not the focal point in the house.

Fortunately, my husband agrees with me. Glad someone else agrees with us!

[Capt.YankeeMike]

thats just great, you want to spoil your child? on purpose? dont you remember the "spoiled" children you grew up with? they were always the biggest brats or sissies or bullies. Or were you one of those kids? Never mind...

[Gophack]

Ping

[LiteKeeper]

read later

[brewcrew]

There seems to be two kinds of parents anymore. Those who ignore and never even read a book to their children and those who do too much for the kids. The ones who feel that any word out of those darling mouths, is worth stopping the world for. One must find a happy medium.

The goal of any parent should be to create happy, healthy, self-sufficient adults. Healthy families disintegrate naturally, i.e., when the kid flies the nest, the kid has a grasp of the basic skills he/she will need to be a functioning, contributing adult. Hence, we read to our kids with the goal of having them learn how to read and enjoy reading themselves. This can be said of any skill (making the bed, doing the dishes, cutting the grass, etc.) Once they know how, we need to let them. To do otherwise is to do them a disservice.

[irish guard]

Uber parents are patently obvious at the sporting events my kids used to participate in and still do participate in. These parents are the ones who want no score keeping for self-esteem's sake, despite the fact that all the kids keep score in their minds. These are the same parents who (I ahve coached Hockey for years) run a stopwatch to make sure their little Johnny gets the same amount of ice time as other kids. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep track of that? Not to get into too much hockey detail , but if the action is up and down the ice, lines must change more quickly...if the action is all at one end, the lines can stay and sometimes have to stay, particularly if you are in the defensive end (otherwise you end up shorthanded).

These are the same parents who end up dumbing down the educational system by whining about little Johnny's "B" instead of an "A", ultimately causeing all kids to earn an "A".

These folks need to watch playground justice, where their kid plays right field and bats 9th because he sucks at baseball. They need to see little Johnny as an adult in my office, where he thinks he is entitled to a fat raise every year and responsibility he is not capapble if handling.

These parents need a swift kick>

[netmilsmom]

Here, here!!!
My mother had the tv on a timer that went on at 7:00am and off at 2:00am. Since X-files went off, I NEVER watch tv. It's always on, but like my kids, I am doing other things and have just backround noise. My husband was not allowed to watch tv. He becomes so engrosed, the house could be on fire and he wouldn't notice. Which kind of adult should we be?
Like you, I limit the content. Nick jr, PBS and tapes only. (Disney when the Wiggles are on) When regular Nick comes on, we turn the channel. These kids have never seen Powerpuff Girls, my doing. But if you never expose a child to tv, I believe they are socially retarded in kindergarten. My poor nephew went to school not knowing who Blue or Bob the Builder are. He got made fun of.

[fml]

I agree with you on the tv watching. I feel lucky that my kids are too old for Veggie Tales, though (ha ha).

[netmilsmom]

You are right! My sister always said, "It is not our job to raise great kids. It is our job to raise great adults." She has one who is in Police Academy and another who owns a pool business. Some of the finest adults I know.

[brewcrew]

My poor nephew went to school not knowing who Blue or Bob the Builder are. He got made fun of.

I don't know who they are, and I never got made fun of. Well, not for that, at least.

You should really try complete and utter silence on a regular basis. Sounds to me like you are addicted to background noise.

[Aquinasfan]

A good, common sense argument against birth control.

[Valin]

I just spent Christmas week with such "uber-parents" and the entire week was spent listening to a screaming five year old. The boy ran the show.

Someone is going to be in for a very rude awakening.