Posted on 11/27/2002 5:24:30 AM PST by scouse
A foul-mouthed parrot is ruffling a few feathers after setting up home in a West Yorkshire churchyard. The vicar has received complaints from people who have become targets for verbal abuse from the exotic bird.
The mischievous African grey parrot called Charlie has been living with a flock of pigeons in the bell-tower at St Mary's Church in Mirfield.
Three-year-old Charlie regularly turns the air blue by swearing and wolf-whistling at passers-by.
But despite several attempts to catch the parrot he remains free as a bird.
Owner Zarina France, 34, of Ravensthorpe, Dewsbury, said even Charlie's favourite monkey nuts had not been enough to entice him back to captivity.
"Charlie can be very abusive and says all sorts of filthy things that I don't want to repeat.
"He probably picked it all up from me and when I heard about a swearing parrot I knew it was our Charlie."
Voice from above
Church warden Stuart Wooller said Charlie had become a local celebrity since escaping from his owners during the summer.
"I have spoken to Charlie several times and he seems quite happy at the church.
"I know that he wolf-whistles but I haven't heard him swear at me probably out of respect because I am the warden."
Local pub landlord Tim Wood said he was shocked after hearing a mysterious voice from above as he walked his dogs.
"I couldn't believe it when I first heard the parrot.
"I thought I must have really upset someone because of the language that was being used.
"Yes, he is. Look, his littl' feet have been nailed to the perch."
- Monte Python
The preacher said he had a parrot that prayed all the time. Maybe if they put the two together, the devout parrot could help clean up the foul-mouthed fowl's vocabulary.
So they put the naughty bird in the pious bird's cage.
Of course, the first thing it said was, "I'm a whore from Chicago!"
"Thank God, my prayers have been answered!" said the other bird.
"Well, this parrot speaks but it is the rudest, most obscene bird I've ever seen"
Well Bill thought "I'm sure I can retrain the bird" so he paid for the bird and took it home.
They started an intense retraining program involving soft music, kind words and treats but the parrot was still ill mannered.
Bill grew frustrated and tried a different tack. Every time the bird swore he'd hit it or throw water on it, he'd find some way to punish it and change it's behavior. But nothing worked.
So one day while Bill was on the phone to his girlfriend the bird said some very rude and obscene things about her in the background. His girlfriend over heard and dumped him on the spot.
Needless to say Bill was now ticked. This bird had cost him money and sleep and peace and now his girlfriend. He reached into the cage and grabbed the bird and in a fit of rage shoved it into the freezer. He could hear the bird screaming and swearing a blue streak and suddenly it went silent.
Bill calmed down and went to get the bird to see what had happened. He opened the freezer door and the parrot very calmy stepped out onto his hand and walked up to his shoulder.
The parrot then began to speak. "Master, I realize that my behavior has been unacceptable and that it has caused you discomfort. I promise that I will be much better behaved from now one. Can I ask one question though?"
Bill said "Sure."
So the parrot continued. "If I may be so bold as to ask, What did the chicken do?"
God Save America (Please)
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