SNL humors me with Donahue sketch last night

[Realm Weekly]

Did anyone catch SNL last night? Not sure if this has been posted or not, but they ran a sketch with Darrell Hammond playing Phil Donahue, with Donahue hosting his show on MSNBC with the topic of "Is Liberalism Dead?" The basic consensus was that it was indeed. He had Michael Moorer (played by another SNL cast member) in which they joked that Moorer is dirty, fat and doesn't ever bathe. Main joke was Donahue's ratings (hilariously done). He brought up a screen that listed the bottom 3 in cable ratings, with Donahue's show getting second, only to Dr. Radling's Eye Surgery show, and before the Black Israelites Talk Hour.

Then Donahue brought on his other guests, Al Sharpton (played by Tracy Morgan who could have done more with the character) who when asked why Donahue is doing so poorly in the ratings, he answered "No one likes you." Next was Barbara Streisand (played by Maya Rudolph, and was shown in a blurred "dream" vision the entire time, lol!)

Then, Donahue broke for a commercial break, which went to a blank screen with "For advertising, please call MSNBC at 1-800-555-5555" LOL

Another break advertised Donahue's "road tour" where he was prancing around with a microphone in an empty studio with a few drifters inside.

Can't remember every detail of the skit, but it was very funny. I'm pleased to see SNL knock on that idiot and his awful show.

[Ragin1]

Good one! Here is one more:

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball". I'm Chris Matthews. A nuclear submarine slices through a Japanese fishing boat like cream corn trough a goose. Bush orders allied planes to give Baghdad a beat-down. I'm gonna tell you what, no one gives a flying frig! 'Cause when you get right down to it, the Clinton scandal machine keeps running along, next stop, Harlem, and it wouldn't matter if Bush did a line of coke along the Loch Ness monster's ass! We'd all still be talking about what Clinton thought of "The Wedding Planner". Morons, you're all morons! With me today, the current belle of the post-Clinton epoch, Denise Rich.

Denise Rich: Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Also joining us from Washington, former Clinton advisor Paul Begala.

Paul Begala: Thanks for having me...

Chris Matthews: Zip it, Begala! It's not Equal Time, it's Hardball! Miss Rich, we're gonna start with you. Did you and your husband, Marc Rich, pay off the Clintons in exchange for a presidential pardon or what?

Denise Rich: Chris, as I have stated, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights concerning all questions on this matter.

Chris Matthews: Come on, lady! Fifth Amendment? That's just rich people talk for "I'm guilty". It's not gonna fool anyone here at "Hardball".

Denise Rich: Chris, the only things we have given to the Clintons are love and support, a saxophone, and millions of dollars. Is that a big deal?

Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it? Denise Rich insists she didn't break the rules, but more importantly, shouldn't someone who wears that much makeup be a better liar?

Paul Begala: Absolutely, Chris. There's no story here.

Chris Matthews: Yeah.

Paul Begala: The Bush administration...

Chris Matthews: Yeah.

Paul Begala: ...is simply substituting an...

Chris Matthews: Yeah.

Paul Begala: ..anti-Clinton witch hunt...

Chris Matthews: Yeah.

Paul Begala: ...for their actual agenda.

Chris Matthews: Blah, blah, blah, you're done! You're boring and you look like a fetus! Joining us now from Pennsylvania is Senator Arlen Specter. Senator, you recently suggested impeaching President Clinton; isn't that a little extreme?

Arlen Specter: I didn't say we should impeach Mr. Clinton. The Constitution gives us a number of options: We could impeach him, he could be censored - uh, censured, or according to Article Three, we could also tie his hands behind his back and have Roger Clemens fire a fastball at his face.

Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it, should the U.S. government hire major leaguers to whip baseballs at the ex-president? And please, phrase your answer in the form of a shout.

Paul Begala: President Clinton has done nothing wrong, and I fail to see why...

Chris Matthews: (makes snoring noises) Specter, wake up! Shouldn't Clinton's punishment fit his crime?

Arlen Specter: Uh, again, at this point, I merely want to our investigate legal options. For instancee, under the Articles of Confederation, we may have the authority to take President Clinton to a deserted island and hunt him for sport. If he survives, he's acquitted. If we bag him, we get to cook him in a large pot and eat him. Now. I'm not saying we're going to do this. I'm just saying, Strom Thurmond has an island.

Chris Matthews: Denise Rich, the next question's for you: exactly how much money does it cost to look that cheap?

Denise Rich: Once again, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.

Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, you chesire cat-faced cretin, should Clinton be hunted like a dog on Strom Thurmond's island or what?

Paul Begala: Chris, you really don't expect me to answer that.

Chris Matthews: You're a virgin, aren't you, Begala? Come on.

Paul Begala: That's really none of your business.

Arlen Specter: Can I say something here, Chris? Scottish common law says that we have the option to shrink President Clinton to the size of a field mouse and then force him to fight spiders for our amusement. Are we going to do this? Probably. All I'm saying, Strom Thurmond has a shrinking ray.

Chris Matthews: Ho-ho! Now we're playing some freakin' Hardball! I wanna thank my guests. Denise Rich, anything left to say?

Denise Rich: I must invoke my Fifth Amendment...

Chris Matthews: Boo! Senator Specter, good luck eating the President.

Arlen Specter: Or shrinking him, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Okay, right. Paul Begala, once again, I tore you a new one. Let's check the scoreboard: Matthews 17, Begala 2! Stick around, I'm going outside to shout at cars! You're watching "Hardball"!

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

[m1911]

LOL - love the transcripts in this thread

[ewing]

LMAO! 'Denise Rich-How much does it cost to look that cheap' (She takes the Fifth)

[alnick]

FNC played a clip from SNL's news skit. The anchor woman said, "Tom Daschle criticized President Bush for failing to capture Osama Bin Laden. Some people think that Daschle is just jealous because the democrats came in behind Al Qaeda in the mid-term elections."

ROTFL

[alnick]

Thanks for posting that. That is absolutely hilarious.

[Bogey780]

I remember that. I was cracking up.

[f.Christian]

funny...BTTT!

[XJarhead]

The SNL skit was hilarious, and absolutely skewered the lefties who were parodied. Barbara Streisand, Donahue, Moore, and Sharpton all took big-time hits. There was even some line in there about America rejecting progressives.

SNL is pretty uneven, but their political stuff has always been great. Their reprise of the Bush/Gore debates made fun of both candidates pretty evenly, but were very funny. "Strategery" still cracks me up.

[Recovering_Democrat]

A rare moment when SNL didn't take any real pot shots at a conservative. What was great about the skit was this: it was true in that no one cares about Donahue anymore. His show is floudering big time.

[F16Fighter]

Saw it and it was funny...

I particularly enjoyed the scene where Donahue, as is his trademark move, trots up the cascading steps with his mic in anticipation of asking questions of his packed audience. In this case his "audience" was one single loser -- every other seat was empty -- LOL!

[MatthewViti]

yeah i second that, where can they be found or at least any more transcripts???

[Puppage]

"Strategery"

LOL, I use it all the time.

[oyez]

Good stuff. SNL still gets a good skit on every now and then.

[MatthewViti]

Anyone remember the Helen Madden skit as the "joyologist?" What about the skit when Linda Tripp called Monica from the New Jersey Turnpike, LMAO!!! Those were the best, and soo many more... =)

[MatthewViti]

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy! Hi! Hi, and welcome to "Pretty Living". I'm Gail Gleeson!

Andrea Powers: And I'm Andrea Powers! We've got a fantastic show for you today!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, do we ever! We have fun, beauty and loads of fashion!

Andrea Powers: Speaking of fashion, you look great!

Gail Gleeson: Thank you! And you look great!

Andrea Powers: Thank you!

[ they laugh inanely ]

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy!

Andrea Powers: Taking a compliment is really hard!

Gail Gleeson: Tell me about it!

Andrea Powers: Ever since I've been married, I can't take a compliment. Not that my husband gives me any.

Gail Gleeson: [ the mood ruined ] Right. [ pause ] What do we have today?

Andrea Powers: Oh, se have such a fun show planned for you today!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, you said it! Dr. Moeny is gonna show us how to organize our tax receipts, and that is gonna be fantastic!

Andrea Powers: But right now, it's time to meet our first guest, who happens to be an absolute delight.

Gail Gleeson: She sure is. In fact, she's a licensed joyologist.

Andrea Powers: That's right. She's one of our favorite guests.

Gail Gleeson: And she has just released her new book, called "Dressing For Joy".

Andrea Powers: Please help us welcome Helen Madden!

Gail Gleeson: Helen Madden!

[ Helen comes running and bouncing onto the set, kissing Gail and Andrea before sitting down ]

Helen Madden: Pretty Lady 1, Pretty Lady 2!

Gail Gleeson: Helen, you are having one heck of a year! How are you enjoying all of your success?

Helen Madden: [ raises her legs high in the air ] Oh, I love it! Iloveit, Iloveit, Iloveit, Iloveit!! I love it! I love it, I love ti, I love it!

Gail Gleeson: You really enjoy what you do!

Helen Madden: I love it!

Gail Gleeson: [ laughing ] Terrific! Terrific!

Helen Madden: I have to tell you - uh, as you know, I'm a joyologist. And it takes a lot of time and energy to stay joy-focused, and to teach others how to stay joy-focused. And I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I happen to be really, really, really, really, really good at it! I'm good at it! I'm really good at it!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy!

Andrea Powers: You know, it must feel really great to be good at something. [ fuming ] I wish I was really good at something.

[ the moment passes ]

Gail Gleeson: Now, Helen, how exactly did you move from joyologist to fashion expert?

Helen Madden: Excellent question, to the lady in the blue.

Gail Gleeson: Thank you!

Helen Madden: Uh.. I do a lot of public speaking. And at one recent speaking engagement, this young gal came up to me after my speech, and she said to me, "Helen Madden, I love all the things you had to say." And she put her little hands on her hip, and she said, "But let me ask you this - how in the heck did you put together that cute outfit?"

Gail Gleeson: Ohhhh.. neat.. neat.

Andrea Powers: Helen, in your book you talk about fashion as a reflection of the inner self. Now, what does mean in terms of your wardrobe?

Helen Madden: A little Helen Madden secret - I love belts. [ twists herself around her chair ] I love 'em! I love 'em, I love 'em, I love 'em, I lvoe 'em! I'm a belt lady. I love belts, number one; vests, number two.

Gail Gleeson: Oohhh.. vests. Vests. Okay. Hey, I've got a great question. How does fashion affect your relationships?

Helen Madden: I recently started dating a gentleman who I'm very fond of.. uh.. Helen is a little bit on love! If you will! Okay! This gentlemen loves.. hats. He loves hats. So when I go out with him, I like to wear a classy hat, or a cap, or a little show biz chapeau, if you will

Gail Gleeson: How neat!

Helen Madden: Or a cowboy hat, a big cowboy hat. I like to make my man smile. I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it!

Andrea Powers: So get yourself a hat, ladies.

Gail Gleeson: Apparently, men love hats! [ giggles with delight ]

Andrea Powers: [ sullen ] Helen, I don't like myself very much, so often I go out without a winter coat so people can see my pretty dress.

Gail Gleeson: [ annoyed ] Okay, that's enough. [ changes subject ] Okay, evening wear?

Andrea Powers: Right, right. How do you go from daytime to nighttime? Do you change earrings, or shoes..?

Helen Madden: Well, I have to tell you, I'm not a 9-to-5 kind of lady, as you can probably see for yourself. And what I do is, me and Tres, my man, like to go out African rhythm dancing sometimes at night, get a little crazy. And what I like to do when I do that, is I wear a leopard unitard with a coat dress, or a sweatercoat with a hood and a belt. Okay? Because I like to let my body move the way it was meant to move, you know? I really like to get up and be womanly. I like to shake, to shake, to shake!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, neat!

[ Helen demonstrates her dance moves, as Gail and Andrea join in ]

Gail Gleeson: Stay tuned, we'll be right back with Dr. Money!

[ fade out ]


[ dissolve to the SNL Band, Lenny Pickett leading the band on saxophone ]

[ suddenly, Kenneth Starr enters, taps Lenny's shoulder and cuts the band off ]

Kenneth Starr: I'm Kenneth Starr, I'm the Independent Counsel, and I'm serving you with this subpeona.

Lenny Pickett: [ flustered ] Uh.. can I finish this song first?

Kenneth Starr: No. Guys? [ motions for some federal agents to haul Lenny away ] Everyone, just carry on.

[ fade out ]

[MatthewViti]

[ SUPER: "Ritz Carlton Hotel, January 13th, 1998, Pentagon City, VA" ]

[ open on Linda Tripp seated at table, as Monica Lewinsky approaches ]

Linda Tripp: Monica! Monica Lewinsky! [ they hug, Linda's fake flower/hidden microphone on her lapel emitting a high pitch ]

Monica Lewinsky: Ow!

Linda Tripp: You look nice.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, thank you! [ removes jacket ] It's my lucky dress! [ they sit ]

Waiter: What can I get you two lovely ladies to drink?

Monica Lewinsky: [ looking ] I'll have a Bartyle's & James.

Linda Tripp: I'll have a Bloody Mary and two Double A batteries. [ Waiter walks away - Linda cocks her head to speak into her fake flower ] So.. former White House intern Monica Lewinsky! Hmm.. I enjoyed talking to you last night about your numerous sexual trysts with President Bill Clinton.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, I'm really sorry about that. I really talked your ear off, huh? All those names, and dates, blah blah blah..

Linda Tripp: Well, actually, I was hoping we could talk about all that stuff again - but slowly, and a little bit louder.

Monica Lewinsky: You know, Linda, you have been such an amazing friend to me, and all I do is talk about myself. I want to hear what's going on with you! Do you still want to get liposuction on your jowls?

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower, emitting a high pitch ] Let's talk about something else. Tell me what Vernon Jordan said to you.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, my God! Okay, remember I told you that Vernon and I were talking? And he was giving me advice, and stuff?

Linda Tripp: Yes, yes. Go on. What did Vernon Jordan say?

Monica Lewinsky: He thinks you should get liposuction, too.

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower ] Anything else?

Monica Lewinsky: [ whispering ] He also said.. he doesn't think that I should tell anybody about how Bill and I used to.. [ jumps ] Ow! Did you just kick me?!

[ Vernon Jordan pokes his head up from under the table ]

Linda Tripp: Vernon Jordan!

Vernon Jordan: Hello, Miss Tripp. [ to Monica ] Hello, you unidentified young lady. [ winks ] I was just searching for my contact lenses down here. [ in Monica's ear ] Listen.. ixnay on the ellitio-fay. Or there'll be no job at evlon-Ray. Enjoy your meal! [ stands and walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Damn, those Democrats and their secret languages!

[ Waiter returns with the drinks ]

Waiter: Here's your Bloody Mary.. and here's your Bartyles & James.

Monica Lewinsky: Thanks. I love BJs!

[ Waiter walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Now, Monica, tell me about the sexual liasions you have with Preisdent Clinton at the White House.

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. okay. Last time I saw Bill was, like, right after Thanksgiving. He had this private screening of that movie "Titanic". God, it was wild. That thing was so big and so long. I couldn't believe it took two full hours for it to go down! It really surprised me when it bent in the middle..

[ camera pans right to reveal Bob Dole sitting at a table in the rear. He turns to face the camera. ]

Bob Dole: [ shakes head ] Bob Dole would never let the American presidency sink to this level. You know it, Bob Dole knows it.. the American people should have known it!

[ camera pans back to Monica and Linda ]

Linda Tripp: ..Alright, enough about the movie. Did you have sexual relations with President Clinton?

Monica Lewinsky: We already talked about that, Linda - the night that you told me that you boned that guy from the Promise Keepers in the bathroom fo the Smithsonian! Did he ever call you back?

Linda Tripp: [ covers flower, high pitch ] Enough about me! Did Clinton ask you to lie?

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. I'm not supposed to say.

Linda Tripp: That's it! [ grabs Monica, pulls her up to the flower ] You tell this flower what you did! That you're a dirty, dirty girl, and you had dirty, dirty sex with a dirty, dirty President!

Monica Lewinsky: No-o!

Linda Tripp: Say it! Or I'll knock that dirty smile off your face! Say it!

Monica Lewinsky: Okay, okay! [ turns to the camera ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

[oyez]

All you have to do is ask on FR and some one will pull it out.

Speaking of SNL they are about the only show that gets a skit on these days. Nobody could roll the skits like Carol Bernnet and Friends, so few have tried ever since her series ended.