Posted on 10/22/2002 2:06:23 PM PDT by hoosierskypilot
do you think you fight with your spouse just a little too much? Not to worry — the good news is that couples who stay married actually disagree the same amount as those who don't. The fact that they fight is not the problem — how they fight is more important. Anger is inevitable in relationships. If two people are living together, they are bound to disagree about small, seemingly petty things — "Whose turn is it to walk the dog? Why am I always doing the laundry?" — as well as larger, more significant issues — "How can we possibly make the next mortgage payment?"
People manage their anger in different ways. Some deny it, some bury it, others nurse their anger, and others vent it at every available moment. Yet the most pernicious way of handling anger in marriage is not to handle it at all. This is when anger becomes self-perpetuating, locking husbands and wives in a vicious cycle of blame and hostility. Stuck in repetitive arguments that go nowhere, some couples dig in their heels in a vain attempt to prove themselves right and their partners wrong.
To figure out how you and your partner can switch from harmful to healthy fighting, ABCNEWS sought advice from the expert counselors of Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage (Workman Publishing, 2002), who provided these tips on how to battle better.
Happy Fighting!
1. Stop trying to win. In most arguments, each person is a little right and a little wrong.
2. Plan your approach. Schedule a time and place to resolve conflict. Timing is everything. Don't bring up important issues when you are too tired or too rushed to resolve them.
3. Be clear and specific. Discuss one issue at a time and stay focused on the point you are trying to make. Try to be as neutral as you can in presenting your point of view.
4. Make suggestions. Think about resolutions, brainstorm ideas, and pick one to try that seems to satisfy both of you the most. If that doesn't work, don't despair; pick another. Comments such as "Let's try to find a common ground" or "Where do we more or less agree?" show that you're serious about negotiation.
5. Know your body. Learn to recognize your body's reactions to anger, and don't ignore these messages. These physical signals can serve as warning signs that buried anger and resentments need to be addressed and resolved, and will help you defuse arguments before they rage out of control.
6. Call a time-out. When you are so white-hot you will soon say or do something you regret, remove yourself — temporarily — from the situation. You can say, "I'm feeling very angry and I'm beginning to lose it now. I want to take a time-out." Make a definite time and place to continue the conversation. Then, leave the room and do something physical — walk, jog, clean the garage — anything to defuse angry energy. When you're calm, ask your partner if he/she is ready to resume the conversation. If the answer is no, respect his/her feelings and wait.
7. Soothe your spouse. When your spouse is the one boiling over, assure him/her that you are listening and concerned, but gently refuse to be spoken to in such a hostile way. Leave the room if needed, but make it clear that you'll be available to talk once he/she calms down. You can also agree on a code word that one of you can say when tempers seem to be getting gout of control. You can even choose a word that is comical to you both, which can bring a laugh and break the tension of a heated moment.
8. Maintain respect. Promise each other your won't be nasty, sarcastic or personally critical. Fighting fair means you will not attack each other — physically or verbally. Name-calling, cursing, screaming and blaming are off-limits. So is threatening separation or divorce.
9. Fight fair. Never use something that has been previously told to you in confidence as a weapon in an argument. When you do, you betray the trust your spouse has placed in you, and make it harder for your partner to feel emotionally safe in the marriage.
10. Acknowledge each other's feelings and perceptions — without judgment or criticism. There's no "right" way to feel, and there will be times in every marriage that the couple simply will not agree. But you should always make the effort to unravel what is troubling your partner and show genuine caring for and awareness of his or her emotional experience. Phrases such as "I never thought of that" or "Tell me more about what you're thinking" will help you break out of an anger stalemate.
11. Accept your anger. Remind yourself that it is OK to be angry, and don't feel guilty about it. Women, especially, grow up believing that it is unladylike and "bitchy" to express negative feelings. But anger can be legitimate, and accepting your anger can give you strength to say how you honestly feel and find a path for change.
12. Work it through. Never walk out of the room until you either both agree that an argument is over or have decided to table the problem and chosen a specific time to bring it up again.
13. Don't insist on the last word.You may win the battle but lose the war by building resentment.
14. And remember: A fight is just a fight. Understand that although you disagree, you are not enemies. No matter how much people love each other, differences will eventually trigger conflict.
Number 17 - Reason and logic are valued commodities on FR. They can be liabilities in domestic discussion.
Number 18 - do not argue with your wife the way libertarians argue with Kevin Curry on FR and vice versa.
No. I think my spouse fights with me too much.
And in my marriage the "Big Dog" is God. When we turn to Him for direction in our differences we get a perfect solution. Amen?
Three sentences that have served me well the past 20 years.(Oct 16th to be exact)
Ok, you were warned
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: You don't have to tell her anything, you've already told her twice
1. If you have words with your wife and you are wrong, admit it.
2. If you have words with your wife and you are right, keep your d@mn mouth shut.
That's my considered. Been married for 31 years and it's better today than it has ever been. There is nothing in that list that means anything to me. My list would include:
1. Decide up front whether you want to be married or be single. If you think you'd be happier single, get or stay that way because there's no partner perfect enough for you. If you choose married, remember, whatever specific faults your spouse has, trading him/her will only exchange those faults for others in a new partner.
2. If you want to be married, have children. Then, everytime you get to the end of your rope and want to call it quits, ask yourself what the kids did to deserve a broken home and all the despair that brings. That will buy you enough time to get over whatever you were steamed about. Nothing is so all-fired important after a few hours/days thinking it over.
Finally, as a general rule of thumb, stick with two or three things. Fourteen rules is way too many. And whichever ones you choose, they won't work the first time. You gotta practice them a bit to get good at it.
And *now*?
Here're a few scenes from next week's show, "How To Walk."
...1) "Put'cher right foot out in front [of you] first firmily on the ground..."
Amen!
Now, if I could only follow my own adivse.
I'm not worthy
I'm not worthy
I'm not worthy
my queen
26 years Nov 5
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