Posted on 08/02/2002 7:09:56 AM PDT by Stand Watch Listen
This is the time of year when men all across the country become giddy with anticipation. It's the season when men begin checking their remote controls for proper function, arrange a redundant backup plan in case of a systems failure in remote number one, kiss their wives good-bye, and do their part for the economy by bravely pushing Frito-Lay and Anheuser-Busch stock to new heights. It's a time when blood, sweat, and tears are shed, and yet we bravely move forward undaunted — mainly because it's not our blood, sweat, and tears. That's right folks, it's almost football season.
Real football fans have already had the Hank Williams Jr. song, "Are you ready for some football" bouncing around inside their heads since about two weeks after last years Pro Bowl. When football season ends, you can sense a distinct national depression among the male population. Some men jump straight into hockey season for an uninterrupted supplication of their violence needs, but most go into a hibernation not seen since a grizzly bear ate a camper whose pockets were stuffed with Benadryl.
Unfortunately for my team, the Detroit Lions, when they hear, "Are you ready for some football?" They collectively yell back, "No!" I'm stuck here in Michigan, a Lions fan by geographic default. I often sit back and envy people who live in cities that more or less usually have good teams. Those of you in Pittsburgh, Green Bay, St. Louis, and so on, might not fully appreciate how good you have it. Try being a fan of a team that wins so rarely, it's become more of a solstice than a victory. At least if you go to a Lions game you get a chance to see lots of points racked up... by the other team. The Lions secondary gets scored on like Madonna while in New York City during Fleet Week.
I don't mean to pick on my team. The true fan understands when his team is in a rebuilding century. On the plus side, we've now got a nicer stadium than the more victorious cities. Ownership has forgone attempts to bring a victorious team to Detroit, and has instead opted for comfort via a nice new stadium. Like a crack dealer that drives a really nice Cadillac, we're complete losers, but losers in style. The Lions new home, Ford Field, cost $300 million. That means that if this year is like last year, we're paying $150 million per victory. Show me any other city willing to make that kind of commitment.
With the anticipation building as another football season approaches, men aren't the only ones who are excited. Football has seen a tremendous growth in the number of female fans, and they can't wait for the season to start either. Even the women who aren't football fans are excited at this very moment. Not because it's almost football season, but because as I write this, it's almost time for Oprah.
With the beginning of football season comes events and happenings that are purely American. Excluding British Parliament, who else in the world puts on silly big wigs, paints their faces, chests, and whatever else, and makes complete fools of themselves on national television? In what other country could you see a child awestruck after meeting his favorite multi-millionaire football hero, and later see his father try to explain to him why the same player's picture is on a bulletin board at the post office? Where else can you turn on your television and wonder why an undercooked spiral sliced ham is talking to you, only to find out that it's John Madden? Where else would you find people who were so convinced they were the best that they could declare themselves "world champions" even though the never played anybody outside of the contiguous 48 states? That's what helps make this America, and that's why we love football.
It's almost here. I can envision game day already. I can smell the ribs cooking on the barbecue and see the people consuming beer like there's no tomorrow at a tailgate party. There's a man deep-frying a turkey in a gutted washing machine basin. I see a guy with a chunk of cheese on his head who has passed out drunk in the parking lot, forcing a griller to improvise and serve burgers to his guests using the man's back as a serving tray. Another group nearby is bowling, using empty vodka bottles as pins and knocking them down by rolling a half empty keg at them. I look at my watch. It's only eight a.m. Still five hours to kickoff. Awesome.
Are you ready for some football? I am.
Hey, Akili may still wind up as the franchise QB...Kitna & Frerotte are stopgap guys, so Akili could still make it & with all this time to learn the offense without getting the hell beat out of him, I'm betting he does!LOL...learn the offense!!! He's had four years and he is still confused. The speed of the game has him in a state of flux.
At least I have my oldest little girl on my side yelling "GO BENGO'S" on Sundays...I'm sure her twin sisters aren't far behind her. LOL
Time to get the charcoal, potato chips, and pop ready!!!
I know college greatness is no gauge of ability at the Pro level, but this guy isn't a dim wit. He's for real. It sounds like he's been showing his worth in camp.
I agree with you, the Bengals look like they are turning around. I hope your right about Smith.
That is b/c you are in Kansas.
R-O-L-L-L-L-L-L TIDE!!
As long as your cheer doesn't include the Cowboys, I'm with you.
Isn't this the new Houston Texans theme song? (Sorry, I can't be bothered making it scan!):
Hous-ton Te-xans litany:
We're all wet from humidity
They won't call us a bunch of whores
If we win more games than Civil Wars.
Or is that being on the losing side in the Civil War still a sore spot down there? :^)
I want to apologize in advance for something previously unthinkable: I will be an Oakland Raiders fan this season.
Future NFL Hall of Famer Bill Romanowski is playing for them now.
This doesn't mean I won't still primarily be a Packers fan, but Romanowski is my favorite player in the NFL, and I always hope for the best for any team he plays for. Damned shame that he won't end his career as a Packer, though.
you don wanna be singin' them words down here now ;)
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