Posted on 08/02/2002 7:09:56 AM PDT by Stand Watch Listen
This is the time of year when men all across the country become giddy with anticipation. It's the season when men begin checking their remote controls for proper function, arrange a redundant backup plan in case of a systems failure in remote number one, kiss their wives good-bye, and do their part for the economy by bravely pushing Frito-Lay and Anheuser-Busch stock to new heights. It's a time when blood, sweat, and tears are shed, and yet we bravely move forward undaunted — mainly because it's not our blood, sweat, and tears. That's right folks, it's almost football season.
Real football fans have already had the Hank Williams Jr. song, "Are you ready for some football" bouncing around inside their heads since about two weeks after last years Pro Bowl. When football season ends, you can sense a distinct national depression among the male population. Some men jump straight into hockey season for an uninterrupted supplication of their violence needs, but most go into a hibernation not seen since a grizzly bear ate a camper whose pockets were stuffed with Benadryl.
Unfortunately for my team, the Detroit Lions, when they hear, "Are you ready for some football?" They collectively yell back, "No!" I'm stuck here in Michigan, a Lions fan by geographic default. I often sit back and envy people who live in cities that more or less usually have good teams. Those of you in Pittsburgh, Green Bay, St. Louis, and so on, might not fully appreciate how good you have it. Try being a fan of a team that wins so rarely, it's become more of a solstice than a victory. At least if you go to a Lions game you get a chance to see lots of points racked up... by the other team. The Lions secondary gets scored on like Madonna while in New York City during Fleet Week.
I don't mean to pick on my team. The true fan understands when his team is in a rebuilding century. On the plus side, we've now got a nicer stadium than the more victorious cities. Ownership has forgone attempts to bring a victorious team to Detroit, and has instead opted for comfort via a nice new stadium. Like a crack dealer that drives a really nice Cadillac, we're complete losers, but losers in style. The Lions new home, Ford Field, cost $300 million. That means that if this year is like last year, we're paying $150 million per victory. Show me any other city willing to make that kind of commitment.
With the anticipation building as another football season approaches, men aren't the only ones who are excited. Football has seen a tremendous growth in the number of female fans, and they can't wait for the season to start either. Even the women who aren't football fans are excited at this very moment. Not because it's almost football season, but because as I write this, it's almost time for Oprah.
With the beginning of football season comes events and happenings that are purely American. Excluding British Parliament, who else in the world puts on silly big wigs, paints their faces, chests, and whatever else, and makes complete fools of themselves on national television? In what other country could you see a child awestruck after meeting his favorite multi-millionaire football hero, and later see his father try to explain to him why the same player's picture is on a bulletin board at the post office? Where else can you turn on your television and wonder why an undercooked spiral sliced ham is talking to you, only to find out that it's John Madden? Where else would you find people who were so convinced they were the best that they could declare themselves "world champions" even though the never played anybody outside of the contiguous 48 states? That's what helps make this America, and that's why we love football.
It's almost here. I can envision game day already. I can smell the ribs cooking on the barbecue and see the people consuming beer like there's no tomorrow at a tailgate party. There's a man deep-frying a turkey in a gutted washing machine basin. I see a guy with a chunk of cheese on his head who has passed out drunk in the parking lot, forcing a griller to improvise and serve burgers to his guests using the man's back as a serving tray. Another group nearby is bowling, using empty vodka bottles as pins and knocking them down by rolling a half empty keg at them. I look at my watch. It's only eight a.m. Still five hours to kickoff. Awesome.
Are you ready for some football? I am.
We're ready for some football!!
"This may be the season in which he finally defeats his emotional demons..."Staying out of Schenley Park might help.We'll see. So were the last five seasons. <|:)~
Kordelia's achieved the impossible, making Steeler fans miss Neil O'Donnell. >:o
The "demons" he has to worry about aren't just emotional this year. They are named Jamir, Courtney, Gerard, Kenard, Orpheus, Dwayne, Earl, Corey, Robert, Daylon, and of course Anthony.
Woof woof,
-Eric
(for the first time in years, there's reason for REAL optimism in Bengal-town!)"Miser Mike" Brown is leaving?
-Eric
He didn't look that way against the Jets. No OL and no rookie recievers is not a good situation for any QB, especially a rookie.Ouchkili has had Corey Dillon to keep some of the pressure off him and better receivers than Tim Couch in his career (OLs about the same)....and Couch is light years ahead of him.
-Eric
:-)
Courtney?? What color dress will he/she be wearing??Ask him:
Ya know, Kordelia fans shouldn't be talking about players wearing dresses.....
-Eric
I see Michigan still doesn't teach geography. The West? Indeed.It's sort of west. You go west until you smell it and north until you step in it.
-Eric
"Don't you ever lay your hand on a PITTSBURGH STEELER fan,Charlie's concerns were more sanitation than safety related. At least that's what he said when he was in Cleveland. >:)
-Eric
Don't forget, the Jets went retro too. I like it!The geeks at NFL marketing like to try to boost licensed gear sales by coming up with "new" designs which are usually ugly. When the Browns came back from hiatus, they started bugging Al Lerner to change the old unis around. He told them that if they wanted to play with uniforms they should buy their own team.
The stadium is "Cleveland Browns Stadium", Lerner refuses to sell the naming rights. He paid for stadium improvements himself. The USMC flag flies over the Dawg Pound. Lerner is a big GOP contributor who helped embarrass the sinkmeister by hiring away the head of the Secret Service. We may not have the richest owner in the NFL (though he's one of the top five) but IMO we definitely have the coolest.
-Eric
If it wasn't for "Miser-Mike's" pennypinching ways, we might be like Baltimore, Jacksonville, and several other teams having to ditch great players to get back under the cap. Instead, we're in position to sew up our best young players for several more years just as things are starting to jell.If it wasn't for the Miser's pennypinching ways you might not have gotten passed in the standings by a team that's only been back in the league for three years. >:)
-Eric
Cordell's an emotional wreck, but he's OUR emotional wreck!
All I can say to you is,
GO BALTIMORE BROWNS!
He was touted as All Pro last year by the media, but what did he really do? He didn't average quite 200 yards a game and threw only 14 TD's with 11 INT's...Dan Marino used to average nearly twice the yards Stewart threw for and had 14 TD's usually by the 6th game of the season.
Stewart DID engineer drives between the 20's effectively, but if for some reason, the ground game is battered or sputtering and Stewart has to carry them on HIS talent, the Steelers are in BIG trouble!
At least we have a disintigrating Baltimore (Modell) team to mop up the basement this season.
You can tell all the Freepers are real Americans--cause they love football!
as opposed to that sissy sport where men with pot bellies chew tobacco and throw a little ball at someone holding a stick pretending he is an athlete
Funny...That doesnt sound like Soccer OR Figure Skating.
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