Posted on 08/02/2002 7:09:56 AM PDT by Stand Watch Listen
This is the time of year when men all across the country become giddy with anticipation. It's the season when men begin checking their remote controls for proper function, arrange a redundant backup plan in case of a systems failure in remote number one, kiss their wives good-bye, and do their part for the economy by bravely pushing Frito-Lay and Anheuser-Busch stock to new heights. It's a time when blood, sweat, and tears are shed, and yet we bravely move forward undaunted — mainly because it's not our blood, sweat, and tears. That's right folks, it's almost football season.
Real football fans have already had the Hank Williams Jr. song, "Are you ready for some football" bouncing around inside their heads since about two weeks after last years Pro Bowl. When football season ends, you can sense a distinct national depression among the male population. Some men jump straight into hockey season for an uninterrupted supplication of their violence needs, but most go into a hibernation not seen since a grizzly bear ate a camper whose pockets were stuffed with Benadryl.
Unfortunately for my team, the Detroit Lions, when they hear, "Are you ready for some football?" They collectively yell back, "No!" I'm stuck here in Michigan, a Lions fan by geographic default. I often sit back and envy people who live in cities that more or less usually have good teams. Those of you in Pittsburgh, Green Bay, St. Louis, and so on, might not fully appreciate how good you have it. Try being a fan of a team that wins so rarely, it's become more of a solstice than a victory. At least if you go to a Lions game you get a chance to see lots of points racked up... by the other team. The Lions secondary gets scored on like Madonna while in New York City during Fleet Week.
I don't mean to pick on my team. The true fan understands when his team is in a rebuilding century. On the plus side, we've now got a nicer stadium than the more victorious cities. Ownership has forgone attempts to bring a victorious team to Detroit, and has instead opted for comfort via a nice new stadium. Like a crack dealer that drives a really nice Cadillac, we're complete losers, but losers in style. The Lions new home, Ford Field, cost $300 million. That means that if this year is like last year, we're paying $150 million per victory. Show me any other city willing to make that kind of commitment.
With the anticipation building as another football season approaches, men aren't the only ones who are excited. Football has seen a tremendous growth in the number of female fans, and they can't wait for the season to start either. Even the women who aren't football fans are excited at this very moment. Not because it's almost football season, but because as I write this, it's almost time for Oprah.
With the beginning of football season comes events and happenings that are purely American. Excluding British Parliament, who else in the world puts on silly big wigs, paints their faces, chests, and whatever else, and makes complete fools of themselves on national television? In what other country could you see a child awestruck after meeting his favorite multi-millionaire football hero, and later see his father try to explain to him why the same player's picture is on a bulletin board at the post office? Where else can you turn on your television and wonder why an undercooked spiral sliced ham is talking to you, only to find out that it's John Madden? Where else would you find people who were so convinced they were the best that they could declare themselves "world champions" even though the never played anybody outside of the contiguous 48 states? That's what helps make this America, and that's why we love football.
It's almost here. I can envision game day already. I can smell the ribs cooking on the barbecue and see the people consuming beer like there's no tomorrow at a tailgate party. There's a man deep-frying a turkey in a gutted washing machine basin. I see a guy with a chunk of cheese on his head who has passed out drunk in the parking lot, forcing a griller to improvise and serve burgers to his guests using the man's back as a serving tray. Another group nearby is bowling, using empty vodka bottles as pins and knocking them down by rolling a half empty keg at them. I look at my watch. It's only eight a.m. Still five hours to kickoff. Awesome.
Are you ready for some football? I am.
Hey you have to do better than Rice-A-Roni. You'd be getting the better end of this bet.
you could force Madison over into that awful state that starts with an "M"
The People's Republic of Madison is only the second most liberal city, next to Berkeley.
thats the best I could do......There's no way I'd have to pay off.......
on to college football....
I supose you're a badgers fan too?
You have your hockey Wings, greedy. ;^) It's not like Detroit is a hockey city.
Don't forget, the Jets went retro too. I like it!
Hear! Hear! Michigan sucks.
Shhhhaaaa riiiightt!
supose you're a badgers fan too?
Yep, I like the Badger's also.
Yep. Even after #7, I still won't like him.
Jes kiddin' ya. :) I'm ready for college football, too. For us Southern girls football is practically a religion, and the four seasons of the year are: Recruiting, Spring Training, Practice and Football
Amen . . . to Divisions I, II, and III, some of whose games I'll sample this season.
[from today's Minneapolis Star Tribune]Miami is still the champ, the Big 12 will come up big and the Big Ten is in for another down year, at least according to the coaches in the ESPN/USA Today preseason college football poll.
The defending national champion Hurricanes received 34 of the 61 No. 1 votes and outdistanced Texas for the No. 1 spot in polling released Thursday. The Longhorns received nine No. 1 votes and edged fellow Big 12 member Oklahoma by two points for the No. 2 spot. The Sooners received 11 No. 1 votes. Florida State, with seven No. 1 votes, and Tennessee rounded out the top five.
I think my team -- Minnesota's Golden Gophers -- were ranked about fiftieth (with two lonely votes).
By DAVID B. CARUSO
.c The Associated Press
PHILADELPHIA (Aug. 2) -- Federal prosecutors have charged a troubled former NFL lineman Alonzo Spellman with terrorizing fellow passengers on a flight and prompting the plane to make an emergency landing.
Spellman, who last played for the Detroit Lions, was committed to a psychiatric hospital after the July 23 disturbance on a flight from Cincinnati to Philadelphia, authorities said.
Investigators said the 6-foot-6, 320-pound defensive end terrified passengers, first by yelling about the possibility of a crash, then by cursing, calling a female passenger an offensive name and threatening to smash a flight attendant's head with his cleats.
The tirade continued throughout the flight, an FBI agent said. One male passenger seated next to Spellman fled to another part of the plane and refused to return, authorities said.
The plane's pilot was granted permission to land ahead of schedule at Philadelphia International Airport. Other flights preparing to land ahead of the plane were briefly diverted, authorities said.
Once on the ground, Spellman refused to disembark for about 10 minutes and repeatedly threatened the pilot, court records said.
"I can feel the adrenaline rushing through my hands. I am about to rip your throat out,'' Spellman told Capt. Robert Freund, according to investigators.
Police initially allowed Spellman to walk free after the flight, but he was arrested after a second disturbance at the home of his brother in Mount Holly, N.J.
Spellman's lawyer, Judith S. Gracey, declined to comment on the charges Friday.
Spellman, who was charged with interfering with a flight crew, has a history of behavioral problems.
He received psychiatric treatment at a Chicago Hospital in 1998 after being involved in a standoff with police. On July 16 he was arrested in Dearborn, Mich., on charges of drunken driving. An arrest warrant was issued when he failed to show up in court.
Spellman was released by the Lions in October, ending an NFL career that began in 1992 with the Chicago Bears. He also played two seasons with the Dallas Cowboys after taking a year off to be treated for bipolar disorder.
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