The risks of cohabitation

Minneapolis Star Tribune ^ | 7/17/02 | Katherine Kersten

[rhema]

Everyone knows that American family structure is changing. In recent decades, large increases in divorce and out-of-wedlock childbearing have dramatically altered the social landscape. But a related social change has received little attention. That's the extraordinary rise in cohabitation, in which an unmarried man and woman share a household as sexual partners.

[SamAdams76]

So, lose the attitude, it won't help you in the big picture. I'm not trying to rip on you, you need to realize women aren't dependant on men, they just make our lives nicer, sweeter, and just all around happier.

Now that is an inspiring reply. I wish more women would realize that they don't need to rely on attaching to a man for financial support. They can do it all on their own. My wife has consistently made more money than me in her computer programming job. I'm not ashamed about that at all. In fact I'm proud of her. And I also have the sense of well-being that if anything ever happened to me, that she would be able to provide for our kids without having to sink into poverty or seek out another man. If we ever split up (not that I see that happening), I would gladly pay my child support and be a father to my kids. But I wouldn't have to worry about alimony. She can take care of herself just fine.

To all you women out there who are housewives, ain't nothing wrong with that. But be aware that if your marriage falls apart, you have options. You don't have to take your ex for every dime he's got and trump up charges against him to gain leverage in court. You can work out a civil and fair settlement and then get out there and make your own living. There is no secret to having a career. You just get out there, learn some skills, bust your butt and get it done. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's a lot better than sitting at home in misery, looking for ways to connive another measly $25 a month from your ex every six months.

BTW, your husband must have been a real moron to leave you.

[SandfleaCSC]

Enlighten you, okay. I'm a young adult male in one of those heinous co-habitating relationships. There's no dishonesty, no promiscuity, no bag packing at the first sign of a disagreement in the relationship. All of my faults are out in the open, as are hers. If we got married on Friday, I'd be the same person I was on Thursday. None of the shocks and suprises found like when you do it the old fashioned way.

As far as morals, lets face it. There are morals that can be inferred from the Scripture, but they aren't there in bold print. When it comes down to it, all morals are relative aren't they. They've been changed, discussed, and interpreted for centuries. The Lord says go forth, be fruitful, and multiply. Catholic priests remain celibate. Who's right, who's wrong? In the end it comes down to each individual's interpretation of what is right and what is wrong and the reckoning with God over that decision(apart from the Commandments). Is shacking up an evil affront to God...probably not. Is homosexuality...probably so.

You're allowed, even encouraged to question mine and anyone else's morals. It's the decisions that come from that which determine whether we improve or degrade our quality of life. All I've done is offer you a couple of alternative ways to view this thread and you've responded with nothing but assumptions about a lifestyle which you don't seem to know much about. You seem like an intelligent person and I've enjoyed the debate, but lets stick on topic of the thread.

[discostu]

I've never seen a ceremony for shacking up, have you? Actually I have. It's called a handfast, it's mostly practiced by SCA (medeival/ renessaince recreationists, not the most sane people in the world but generally harmless) dweebs and it's largely used as kind of a halfway step towards marriage. It's got all the cool parts about a wedding (dressing up, gathering family and friend, food and drink) without the paperwork, and it's got some sort of parallel with period history though I don't know the details. Just being complete for historical reference purposes.

[FreedomFriend]

I don't know the specifics of your situation, so I will not comment. However, don't look down on traditional women, for they are what helped bring about a strong country, just as strong men helped bring about a strong country. As it now stands, many women are neglecting their children for a career. I hope you're not knocking on them, for they are a great asset.

[SamAdams76]

Should they bring flowers, should they hold the door open, should they take your hand, should they compliment you on your outfit at work or your appearance, should they tell a joke? The list is endless; they're dammed if they do and damned if they don't.

Ain't that the truth. I'm in management at my company and anything I say complimentary to a woman can be construed as sexual harrassment. So I keep my mouth shut around them (unlike on this forum) and stay all business. So now I'm "standoffish" and stuck up in the eyes of the women there. But at least I still have my job. An old co-worker of mine was fired a few years ago for posting one of those internet cartoons on the bulletin board in the cafeteria. One of the women employees assumed it was about her and took offense to it. Because of the zero-tolerance policy concerning sexual abuse, the guy was fired on the spot. Within 15 minutes of the complaint, he was leaving the parking lot for good.

Now I'm not against women in the workplace, as should be evident from my previous reply. But us men sure have to walk on eggshells when they are around.

[WIMom]

"To all you women out there who are housewives, ain't nothing wrong with that. But be aware that if your marriage falls apart, you have options."

I was one of those women. I was raised to be "June Cleaver". Ha, a lot of good that did. Ward left me for a bimbo. Luckily, women today have the opportunities that June never had. I found out the hard way. But it was a lesson learned that I will never forget. I would have loved to continue to be an at home mom, it just wasn't in the cards. There's nothing more important than raising your children. That wasn't what God dealt me. I suppose He had other things in mind for me. I'm grateful my family was around to help during the rough times. If someone wants something bad enough, and it's a matter of keeping your family off welfare and becoming a liberal, I did what had to be done. I regret every moment I didn't raise my girls as I was raised do believe. But I also am grateful I was able to show my girls what a woman can do when faced with adveristy.

[WIMom]

"BTW, your husband must have been a real moron to leave you.

hehehe, I know he realizes that. When wife #3 left him, I was ecstatic. Served him right. I vowed never to gloat around the kids, and I was good, but now that they're older, they have figured it out. Then, he talked to me, really talked, and I sort of felt sorry for him. He's made bad choices, and hasn't learned. But, wife #4 is nice. How could any women marry a man married 3 other times? She was never married before. (shaking head in wonderment)

[Koblenz]

Well, I am currently co-habitating with my fiancee, although we didn't commence our official cohabitation until after we were engaged and a wedding date had been set, so I don't know if this author would count that as really cohabiting. But I think it made the most sense. I don't see a moral issue, since we had firmly planned to get married. We actually hadn't planned on living together, but went out house hunting to see what was available, and after a few months, we found the house we really wanted (we'd seen it before, but then someone bought it. Their mortgage fell through, so the seller really needed to sell ASAP because he needed to move, so we got it really cheap). So we bought the house and moved in, here in Fairfield county (Greenwich), CT.

For people who are planning on getting married, I don't see any problem with co-habitation. I think that it's fine if the couple has been dating for a while and is serious about getting married, even if they haven't taken the final plunge. But for those who know they could never marry the other, then cohabitation really is not a good choice -- for one, you're wasting time, and secondly, you are going to cause an even bigger blow-up down the road when it all falls apart.

[Sangamon Kid]

If there is realy a god and that he is wasting time "preparing" a man for her well he is a crappy god. Instead of doing that, he should first NOT be preparing monsters that kill small children for the pure joy of it.

Say What?

[proudwoman]

I don't think it is wrong for men to stand up for themselves. I actually agree sometimes men get screwed by the court system. I am just saying that not all women are liars and manipulators.

[Jonathon Spectre]

Better explain to me how immorality can ever be "best" for your kid.

Attention! The Live Like I Do Brigade is here in force!

[SamAdams76]

I am just saying that not all women are liars and manipulators.

And I agree. Otherwise, I wouldn't still be married! I am just advising men to be wary before undertaking marriage because there are a lot of snakes in the grass out there. I am one of the lucky ones.

And the same advice can be applied to women. For there are men who will leave their faithful wives for some young floozy. In that respect, my wife is one of the lucky ones too.

[Sangamon Kid]

Attention! The Live Like I Do Brigade is here in force! It's late at night so I won't take exception to your comment, but I do think you'll got a cool handle. You ever think about just making it Johnny Spectre . Then it sounds like a 1960's TV spy show character. Secret Agent Johnny Spectre!! Horn-rimmed sunglasses, bell bottoms, turtleneck sweater, or maybe a Nehru jacket. I can see it! Yeah, baby!!

[TightSqueeze]

And where have we seen this attitude manifested before...

What exactly are you saying here? Men who date your daughter should be subject to your idiosyncrasies? Who about if you are just friggin’ nuts what then? What are you saying I have no rights and must kowtow to you to be able to date your daughter? Take a look around pal, do you see the world revolving around you, didn’t think so. I stand on my statement; Girls who possess troublesome families are not worth the effort, regardless of thow that trouble manifests itself.

[TightSqueeze]

Who = What

[bandlength]

ditto on that. same thing happened to me, although i don't think God wanted or purposed it to be so; otherwise we'd be blaming Him for everything bad that happens.

[bandlength]

wow! you nailed it. here we have it. proof that overbearing, overprotective families ARE a protection!

[bandlength]

if you think samadams76 is bad, you oughta read some of glockmeister40's posts. woman-bashing at it's finest !

these two ought to get together to form the he-man woman hater's club, as first seen on "the little rascals."

[AppyPappy]

I've never seen people so bitter as the never-married old ladies in that church.

Yes but now you know why they weren't married in the first place. You couldn't get along with them. It had nothing to do with their dating practices.