Posted on 07/02/2002 9:12:09 AM PDT by Stand Watch Listen
I was wandering through my local supermarket the other monrning when I noticed a young woman checking the dates on some bread. In the seat of her shopping cart was her young son, who I reckoned to be about 5 and whose name I quickly learned was Brian.
There is a reason I have not forgotten his name.
It seems young Brian had become bored and was demanding that his mother take him back to the toy aisle. I only know this because Brian started screaming the word "Toyyyyyyyyyyyyyy," the way a World Cup announcer might call a game-winning goal.
When Brian's lungs finally ran out of wind, his mother did not even look at him, instead seizing on the silence to counter with "Lower your voice, Brian," in a whining, un-authoritative whimper.
Unimpressed with his mother's instruction, Brian began screaming again, this time throwing a box of cookies out of the cart.
Amazingly, although the box of cookies landed near her, Brian's mother still did not look at her son and simply repeated her simpering plea to "Lower your voice, Brian" while the boy's face turned purple.
As his mother continued to browse without looking at him, Brian lobbed another item out of the cart. I wasn't quite sure what it was until I heard the sound of breaking glass and noticed a thin spatter of Ragu spaghetti sauce all over my pants. Slack-jawed, I simply stared back and forth between Brian and my pants.
Brian had finally gotten his mother's attention, and I watched as she followed the trail from the floor to me. There was then a brief moment of satisfaction for me, presuming I would now have the pleasure of watching this little miscreant get it - but good.
Brian's mother grabbed the cart and said, "Do we need to have a time-out?" and began to push it down the aisle. The End. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
Brian continued screaming and even managed to push some bread off the shelves as they strolled away; Brian's mother never said a word to me.
This sort of behavior - by mother and son - is indicative of the continued trends in child rearing and discipline. Just last week, the American Psychological Association's Elizabeth Gershoff reported the findings of her study, which indicates parents should never spank their children, as it could lead to anti-social or belligerent behavior later in life.
Gershoff recommends that parents who are considering spanking a deserving kid "think of something else to do - leave the room, count to 10, and come back again."
She claimed to have found links between spanking and negative behaviors, although she admits that one positive result of spanking is that children usually stop the behavior in question almost immediately.
Certainly, no one in their right mind wants to condone any sort of parental abuse of children. Nonetheless, as is usual in the utopian, politically correct world of academia, theory bends and distorts reality; reality is not what we experience, it is what these academicians tell us we are supposed to experience.
In some European countries spanking has been deemed an illegal corporal punishment, and the American Academy of Pediatrics supports such legislation.
Such laws are the natural progression of a philosophy that embraces child self-esteem more than learning and discipline. In the wake of this we are left with a young generation filled with glib, smart-mouthed, arrogant little slackers who have as little respect for their elders as they do actual knowledge of the world.
Parents are encouraged by psychologists to allow their children to "discover" the truth on their own, rather than be "limited" by parental authority. Thus, the job of teaching these children right from wrong is often foisted on the rest of society by default.
But spanking or similar forms of mild punishment are often the only way in which parents can establish boundaries with their children. Despite what tinkering psychological theorists tell us, this is not because adults make bad parents.
It is because part of a child's job description is to push the edge of the behavioral envelop and because they're not as bright as we'd like to think; they tend to do dumb things, and get in trouble, which is what growing up is all about.
What kind of idiot would argue that instead of teaching children about the world in advance, including what actions will result in punishment, you should instead stand back and let them "discover" it for themselves?
Frankly, I would prefer a child be spanked for playing with matches than watch as my house burns down because his parents would rather have the consequences discovered .
Even though you and I know that a swat on the rump would have likely prevented the mess Brian made in the bread aisle, we are told to instead concern ourselves with the meaning of that swat and whether it might make Brian anti-social or belligerent 30 years from now.
Whatever it means, it isn't making Brian any less anti-social or belligerent today.
And it won't get the Ragu out of my pants.
Sterling Rome.
Send a Letter to the Editor about this commentary.
What tripe.
I'll be sure to read up on this interesting perspective as soon as your research on child psychology finds a publisher. Until then, might I suggest you curb the inclination for putting words into other people's mouths? I didn't say the lack of spanking made him good, I said he's good despite having never been spanked. There's a difference that's not at all subtle, professor.
Part of my growing up as a parent involved maturing emotionally -- enough to consider, adopt, and employ alternate forms of disclipline when the need arises. I think he'll respect that when he's old enough to appreciate my effort.
Thanks for your reply. However, my Latin's rusty enough that I lack both an understanding and appreciation of the reference.
Never spanked your child?
Ever?
What do you do - yell?
Raise your voice?
Repeat yourself when he doesn't obey you the first time?
I have yet to see a parent who does not occasionally use "the board of education" that is not miserable and frustrated.
Maybe you are an exception to the rule, but I have my doubts.
Your son is only seven.
You still have time.
The Book of Proverbs is a great guide - centuries of wisdom practical today.
While most people lament the short attention span of young children, I turned it into my greatest ally. I PURPOSELY distracted my kids from the time they were very young - pointing out a doggie here or a funny image there. Asking questions unrelated to whatever it was they were carrying on about. I also played certain silly games over and over - giving them crazy names. These games and distraction techniques have almost a Pavlovian effect on kids (now I'm REALLY going to get into trouble) I could pull my kids out of "a snit" with the mere mention of one of their favorite little games..
I'll never forget when the impact of this method hit me right between the eyes....Our oldest, who was two at the time, had fallen asleep about 5 min. prior to our pulling into the parking lot at Walmart. Anyone who's ever had to wake a toddler who has been sleeping for a short time knows that it would be less painful to shop with one's leg in a bear trap than to take a crabby baby along..
Well, we woke her anyway, and she was REALLY ugly. I'm talking "head-spinning" (think "The Exorcist") ugly. As we walked toward the store, I noticed a car with a rear window full of "Pound Puppies" which were popular stuffed toys at the time. She happened to love Pound Puppies. I pointed them out calmly to my husband (and to Linda Blair Jr) and an amazing thing happened. Her WAAAAAAAHHHHHH changed to "awwwwww" (isn't that cute! noise)…sob sob sob…awwwwww…sob sob sob… awwwwwww. And then it was over. We shopped in peace. Had I "given her something to cry about" I can guarantee that our shopping trip would have been a special trip through hell for us, for her, and for everyone else in the store.
After my realization, I began making a conscious effort to practice and refine that which I had apparently been doing naturally all along. I also took the time to teach my husband the same techniques.
For example, before going on a shopping trip we'd play "Get The Whineys Out". I'd announce that before we were going into the store, we were all going get out all our whining. In my loudest and whiniest voice, I'd say over and over, "PLEEEEEEEZE! YOU NEVER LET ME I WANT THAT PLEEEEEEZE!" while encouraging my daughter to do the same. After a minute or so, I'd ask her if she had let all the "Whineys" out. Then I would tell her that if by chance a leftover Whiney came into the store with us, we would catch it in my purse. That way, if she forgot and started carrying on while in the store, I'd put on a shocked expression, gasp, and say, "Oh No!!! How did that "Whiney" get in here? I thought we left them all in the car! QUICK! Put it in my purse!" Then I'd hold up my purse to her mouth so , giggling, she could deposit her "PLEEEEZE" into my purse and I would snap it shut! I'd follow that up with a quick detour, pointing out some interesting thing or another, and the coveted item of the moment was forgotten.
We played various versions of "The Sock Game" while getting dressed. When it was time to put her socks on, I would try putting them on her nose or her elbows--anywhere but her feet all while feigning frustration that her socks "just don't fit right!" Or I would have her stick out her foot and take aim with the sock and attempt to put it on, but darned if I wouldn't miss and go flying past her foot with a dramatic "WHOA!". Mere mention of "want to play the sock game?" and we had no difficulties in getting dressed in the morning. A 60 second preemptive strike can often prevent a 20 minute battle. I have done both, and would much rather put the work in up front. And believe me, you will tire of the games much faster than your kids will. They delight in such repetitive silliness.
We developed games for all occasions - getting in the carseat, leaving places without a fuss, putting coats on (turn the sleeve inside out -often they are already that way from the child taking the coat off - stick your hand through the sleeve and shake hands with your child. Shake vigorously while saying, "How ya doin'? How ya doin' ? Nice ta meet ya Nice ta meet ya ! While you have the child's hand in yours, you flip the sleeve from your arm to theirs. Repeat on the other side, and the coat is on no fighting, no fussing!)
The big payoff came with the arrival of our twins. I worked with them (and my hubby) right from the start. Good thing I did, too, because one of them is a true challenge. I've often said if she had been born to another family, one of two things would most likely have happened to her. 1) She'd be on Ritalin or some other drug, and/or 2) She'd have the snot beaten out of her on a daily basis. She's a tough nut to crack, and pushes the envelope farther than the other two, but I would much rather take a little extra time to work past her difficulties than to butt heads with her or banish her to her room until she's 18.
Now that our kids have grown well beyond the tantrum stages, (they're 8 and 12) the groundwork we laid when they were young continues to pay dividends. The "games" are a bit more sophisticated now. Silliness has turned to playfully sarcastic humor. Like most 12 year olds, our oldest is a professional "eye roller". Whenever she looks skyward, we hold a hand over the top of her head and ask , "How many fingers?" Somehow, this silly little joke always seems to lighten her up and we can move beyond the argument stage to more productive dialog.
I do not claim to be a perfect parent or to have perfect kids. I have been known to stomp around screaming inane things like "You're grounded for the rest of your life!" on occasion when I forget my own lessons. However, I think that overall, my hubby and I enjoy the process of parenting much more than most. And our kids (and the neighborhood kids, and those we mentor at church, etc.) are so busy thriving on the positive attention they receive that they don't have time to misbehave or to realize that we're getting our way. It's important I believe to choose one's battles wisely, and to not establish the habit of battling on every little thing when most of them are developmental issues that will go away in time. When I need to draw the line, it no longer takes much effort to let my kids know that where I stand, and they rarely put up resistance. I would love to develop a program or a video to share this information with other parents. However, I don't believe many would be willing to invest the time it takes to make it work. It's definitely quicker and easier to wield the iron fist, to issue empty threats, or to just let the kids have their way, but IMO this leads either to resentful compliance (which ends when the threat does) or non-compliance, neither of which helpful to child or parent.
I will beat you right here and no one will say a word because you deserve it.
The results were usually smiles from anyone within ear shot.
My other favorite line was: Keep it up and I'll show you what child abuse is. Today my boys will sigh and say, "yeah I know, if you ever catch me doing that you will have my hide."
Lest anyone think I am cruel, these are velvet chains. They are allowed a lot of latitude. If they don't like my decision and they think they can reason me out of it, go ahead and give it a try. If the argument is good, I'll change my mind. Most of the time the decision stands and at that point you risk mamma's anger if you push it too far.
One other thing. One of my pet peeves is parents who are CONTINUOUSLY TALKING to their small kids, as though every single second is a teachable moment. I'm not saying you are one of them, but it sounds like you might be. Anyway, it drives me crazy, and I assume it would drive most kids nuts, too. It goes like this:
"Oh, Mikey, look at the pretty kitty!"
"What do kitties say, Mikey?"
"Can you meow like the kitty?"
"What do you suppose the kitty had for breakfast?"
"Let's pet the kitty nice, Mikey."
"No, don't grab the kitty, kitties like to be petted soft, like this. Can you try it?"
"Let's go see the pond now - do you know what lives in the pond, Mikey?"
"What does the froggy say, Mikey?"
On and on forever like a drone. It's maddening. Do you know what I mean?
Successful children respect their parents' authority without constant cajolery and all that high maintenance stuff. They understand boundaries and how to behave appropriately. We have used spanking for our kids when necessary, not for childish irresponsibility, such as forgetting a library book or spilling milk, but for episodes of willful disobedience. This is an important distinction, as is the difference between a spanking and a beating. Only a very confused adult is unable to differentiate between them. Other people frequently comment on how well behaved and socially skilled our 3 children are. All 3 are honor roll students and very competent. We are very proud of them. I believe the most important thing to be a good parent is a great deal of confidence in yourself. Parents who are wringing their hands over how to deal with bad behavior, being sucked into the garbage in all the pop-psychology paperbacks on child rearing, and fretting that a swat on the butt will ruin their kid's self-esteem are doomed to failure. Act confidently and make it known that your expectations are to be obeyed. Be consistent with those expectations and the consequences. Kids love to know what to expect - when their world is predictable and orderly, they thrive. True self-esteem is gained by knowing how to behave appropriately and thus receiving a positive response from the world around you.
What sort of classses?
What sort of "church"?
The Bible teaches parents not to "spare the rod."
It also teaches that a father who "spares the rod hates his son.
Is God's word a reliable guidebook, or do you prefer your system?
Worth repeating.
Too bad it is not being taught in our schools and churches
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