Women Who Can't Cook

Daily Nation (Nairobi) ^ | June 29, 2002 | Oyunga Pala

[Shermy]

I have one standing dating rule, 'When it comes to cooking, never let a dot.com woman come anywhere close to the kitchen, unless she wants to do the dishes'.

By Oyunga Pala

According my philosophy, and several near-death food poisoning experiences, I have finally come to the conclusion that domesticated, kitchen-savvy women of our mothers' generation are a dying breed.

Most young women today can't cook. I don't know whether to describe this as a national tragedy or the coming of age of the equality wars fought by feminists in the sixties and the seventies. Now before all you women come out and accuse me for the umpteenth time of male chauvinism, I would like to state for the record that my culinary skills are exceptional (even if I say so myself). I know I can cook and I believe most bachelors of my generation can and when I say cook, I not talking about making tea and eggs - the stereotype bachelor's staple. I am talking about a wholesome meal of chicken-in-coconut with rice or marinated beef that will have your mouth percolating with the complexity of half a dozen tastes and spices - a little mint here, a little ginger there, cardamom, garlic and spring onion somewhere - all conspiring to bring pleasure. If all this sounds like gibberish, you are one of those women new age men like myself intend to stay oceans away from.

This isn't about women cooking for us. That notion went out with the break dance. The bone of contention here is women who love good food but have a problem cooking it. So you end up on a staple diet of frizzled French fries, crusty pizzas and bubbling cokes. If you were weaned on healthy, fresh height-inducing dishes, a sudden switch to fast foods is simply tragic. At what point in our history did the microwave oven take over from the good old gas or electric burner? We are slowly being turned into ready-meal junkies and before long, you could find yourself seriously addicted to takeaways. This concept of ringing someone and having them trek around your house bearing a weighty load of pizza, Chinese meal or curry was the preserve of soccer junkies and remote control addicts.

Have you ever tried dating one of these modern, upwardly mobile, executive types? They still think the inability to work the corners of a saucepan to produce whole-meal, nutritious ugali is a sign of sophistication. So in its place, they spend the entire afternoon shopping for ingredients for glamorous sounding dishes like beef stroganoff, kedgeree and Wiener schnitzel. Eight hours later, you are presented with a large plate splattered with a botched-up recipe book prescription. It doesn't smell like anything you remotely recognise and she has labelled it some exotic name like 'a la Dolmio'‚ hoping you would be impressed. You get the lost puppy look so any thoughts of scooping the obviously unpalatable mixture over your shoulder through the window are banished. At the back of your mind, you mutter 'the things we do for love' as you take a spoonful. It balances on your tongue, mid way between your throat and your lips just as all the food poisoning headlines you read in this lifetime flash through your mind.

But she still has that tell-me-it-tastes-good look. You swallow with a little prayer and hope that your medical insurance cover is comprehensive. All I can say is that bravery has its limitations. Considering we were raised in the same times, I'm still amazed that a lot of women in my generation can't put together a simple basic meal for a bunch of guys without breaking into a sweat or breaking a nail. Who planted it into their heads that good food can only be found in a cookbook? I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I have just about had it with being used as a guinea pig for recipe-book tragedies. Whatever happened to basic meat and starch?

It is for that reason that I urge any forward thinking men to take over the cooking if they intend to enjoy their retirement benefits. We have to wrestle back the power to control our culinary destiny. Besides, the girls will think you are romantic, sensitive and different. The bottom-line, folks, is that no amount of loving is worth a plate of over-salted stew.

I speak out for the masses of unsuspecting men at the receiving end and I have had my fair share of near-death experiences. A lot of these women really don't realise what awful cooks they are until they try to impress some new man in their lives. It reminds me of a female buddy of mine. We will just call her Becky. Becky was a tom-boy; she used to hang around us for so long that we stopped thinking of her as a girl. During sports on satellite TV weekends, we did the cooking for obvious reasons. Becky had once felt brave enough to invite the boys over to her place to sample her version of the stir-fry signature dishes she had seen us whip up so many times before.

The attempt was so bad the dog wouldn't touch it. Needless to say, we decided never again to sample her cooking and always covered up by bringing takeaways or doing the cooking ourselves.

But Becky was the strong headed type and in spite of our counsel, she decided to take the quantum leap from boiling eggs to attempting a gourmet meal to impress her new catch. She wouldn't let us help her so we just stood aside and watched her cut the red wire so to speak. Becky decided to invest in a recipe book and picked out a dish called 'spicy Thai style ginger chicken'.

It was a seemly straightforward procedure she claimed. Cut up some chicken, stir-fry the rice in a pan, add some cream and spice and bingo! Or so she thought. First of all, we spent the better part of the morning combing the city for one of the missing essential ingredients - 2 sticks of lemon grass, (outer leaves removed, chopped). By the time we got back, she was frantic because she had less than two hours left before her date showed up. This minor set back in the preparation time and misunderstanding of how low the flame was supposed to burn meant that she had to get her make-up and hair done while still making sure that the ginger chicken was spicy and done. The chicken was eventually done all right. In fact so well done that by the time she had finished scrapping it off like toast, there was hardly any chicken left on the drum-sticks. Even the belated addition of a splash of mayonnaise could not save this culinary disaster.

But with a brave face she served the meal to the poor guy. He had a spoonful of it and his taste buds went into comatose. We concluded that he must have committed a few good deeds in this lifetime for he didn't die but as he secretly confessed later he would have thrown all over Becky's Sh40,000 Persian carpet.

A tip from Casanova's memoirs: The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach but don't ever forget to clean up her kitchen.

pala.o@jay.net

[Johnny Crab]

This one won't BE around in 25 years cause "you're boring". Been there, done that. Course, this may explain the reasons for both the fast food markets AND the um, er...those magazines behind the counter at the Stop & Rob.......

[Jhoffa_]

Ahem, Good point..

[gitmo]

I have some king salmon in my freezer that someone gave me a few days ago. They caught it fresh.

You know, it funny, but most of the fish I've caught were fresh too. :o)

[sunshine state]

I'm with you. I told people at work that I never use cake mixes and that my pie crusts are also made from scratch and they were totally amazed. In my famuly we always cooked and baked. It tastes better and it's better for you. I don't usually do anything fancy either. How hard is it to peel, boil and mash some potatoes, cook a pork chop, cook some broccoli and throw together a salad? You could even use salad in a bag if you're desperate for time.

After listening to some of the customers at work, I'm convinced that some of the behavior problems we see with children come from not eating right. Frozen French toast in the morning, hot dog for lunch, and take out pizza for dinner. Lovely!

[firebrand]

Two words: Alice Waters

[DugwayDuke]

"Some of my best stuff is derived from recipes I get from the internet and books."

I also take some enjoyment from trying to recreate something I've been served at a resturant. Of course, I feel free to "improve" these.

[AnAmericanMother]

Iranian food sounds kind of like Northern Indian food -- basmati rice & saffron, yoghurt with stuff in it as a side dish (the Indian version I know is with cucumber and mint, and it's awfully nice and cooling with Goanese vindaloo). The dried lemons & limes I'm not familiar with, but I'll look out for them next time I go over to the International Farmers Market . . . my favorite haunt when I'm cooking Indian. Ethnic cuisine is not an everyday thing with us, I have to head out to the Farmers Market to get the unusual ingredients!

[sunshine state]

LOL. reminds me of the time I made a lentil loaf. My poor husband.

[DBtoo]

I'm sleep deprived at this point! I guess you can't catch fish too well if it's dead or frozen!! Probably time for me to turn in.... But I do enjoy these all-nighters now and then!

[gitmo]

I think a lot of the same thing happens with men now ---men of my father's generation were more inclined to fix their own cars and knew more than to change a flat tire but today you see men calling for a mechanic to come rescue them as often as you see women do that.

I used to have an arrangement with a gal who knew an awful lot about repairing cars. She had a problem: when she took her vehicle to the shop the mechanics were patronizing and wouldn't listen to her when she told them what was wrong. They also tried to take advantage of her by trying to sell her on things she didn't need. She'd come away from the shop spitting nails.

I, on the other hand, know little about fixing cars. So we would go to the shop together and act like a couple. I would tell the mechanics what was wrong with her car (based on what she had told me) and when they suggested a course of action I would watch her for cues about whether to say yes or no.

When my car needed repairs, we would do the same thing. I'd take her along for advice.

[DBtoo]

If you are ever in Houston, go to the Garcon restaurant on Hillcroft between Richmond and Westheimer. That was my favorite place to go out to eat! The north Indian cuisine does sound similar!

[Lucky2]

My grandmother always said, "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach," and she was right! I fed Mr. Lucky2 his first meal 8 1/2 years ago and he never left, just like a stray cat. I have made it a point to learn to cook and I cook well. 8 1/2 years later, Mr. Lucky2's waist line is a foot larger and he's a happier man.

[2Trievers]

Likewise here MB ... My 3 sons can cook, sew, and do laundry, among other domestic necessities. I saw this trend a LONG time ago ... and prepared them for the inevitable. Now if they would only LEAVE HOME ... my work will have been done! LOL &;-) HC

[geologist]

wiith a name like ... "Atomic Fireball Salmon Marinade" ... is it a hot spicy taste in the finished dish?

medium spicy?
hot?
extra hot and spicy?

I love salmon and eat it often. Would love to find a new variation

[Pablo64]

"I labored all lday over a soybean casserole..."

I think I see the problem. See, the words "soybean" and "casserole" should never, under any circumstances, be used in the same sentence, much less in the same dish. LOL!!! It was probably not a problem with your culinary skills, but more likely some slick huckster fooled you with a pretty color picture (faked) in the recipe book, and a description of mouth-watering bliss and high praises that would be yours if only you would make this dish for your family.

Actually I got quite a good chuckle from this article, since my wife and I have had the arrangement ever since we've been married (almost 16 years) that I will do all of the cooking for our evening meals (breakfast and lunch are on your own). I am an excellent cook (no brag, just fact) and she can't cook to save her life (and doesn't have any desire to learn). She can, however, bake quite well and so is in charge of cakes, brownies, breads, etc. I don't really care to bake (although I can) since it usually requires that I follow directions too closely and measure things too precisely. For me, that takes all the fun and creativity out of cooking. I really don't care to know the exact amount of spice I put into something as long as it turns out to be the right amount.

[who knows what evil?]

The day the little woman became a co wage earner. if the guys want "healthy foods " I suggest they take a cooking class..mom is too busy!

The little woman HAD to become a 'co-wage earner' in order to pay up the oppressive taxes used to pay the welfare wages of those who refuse to provide for themselves or their families. Having said that...my wife puts in her forty, and STILL provides excellent, healthy meals here at home. NO carcinogenic fast food in this house. LOTS of fruit and garden vegetables as well. Gardening also chews up lots of her time, but she pulls it off. I was lucky enough to find a woman who could get the job done.

[Greeklawyer]

Do not confuse the woman who tries to cook with the woman who refuses to cook. A woman who can only make a ham and cheese sandwich is infinitly more valuble than a woman who refuses to conduct any activity in the kitchen. It is the indifference to learning that is absurd.

I have heard and seen too many bad cooks change to competant cooks.

I am happy your daughters have found their way. Hopefully they will encourage all their children to learn.

Think about it, have you every seen a healthy child who could not learn to walk? or a parent who said, "we tried to teach her to walk but it was too hard for her." The my "mother could not cook so I never will be able to learn" is too weak to merit comment.

[no-s]

Ugh. My wife loves to grill. And she never remembers to clean it. If I go out of town for a week when I return it's covered in caramelized chicken skin....

[Grampa Dave]

A close female relative, who lurks on FR at times is a terrible cook.

Whenever she says, "I'm going into the kitchen to whip up something!"

One of two things happen:

Her husband says, "It is time to go out to a great restaurant, and I will treat everyone to lunch or dinner. (depending on the time)"

If that doesn't work, I suddenly feel a lot of eyes staring at me. Then, I hear, a lot of people volunteering to help me if I prepare dinner from buying the stuff from doing prep work, serving it and cleaning up.

I have felt for a couple of decades that this female relative knows this power and terror that she has when she announces, "I'm going into the kitchen to whip up something!"

Then, if we are spending the night, as soon as my dinner is over and cleaned up, I start to hear, "Grampa Dave, we would really love one of your great omelets tomorrow morning. What do you need, and how can we help now and tommorow morning when you make your great omelets!"

[FITZ]

Looks like the kind of girl who won't settle for a less-than-VERY-prosperous guy -- who will do a trade-in on her in TEN years, not twenty-five.

She looks like the kind who might settle for semi-prosperous first and then trade him in on a more-prosperous in just a few years.