Posted on 05/28/2002 8:58:48 PM PDT by chasio649
The disappearing generation gap Parents and kids today dress alike, listen to the same music, and are friends. Is this a good thing? By Marilyn Gardner | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor
Sometimes, when Tom Krattenmaker and his 16-year-old daughter, Holland, listen to rock music together and talk about pop culture – interests they both enjoy – he recalls his more-distant relationship with his parents when he was a teenager.
"I would never [have said] to my mom, 'Hey, the new Weezer album is really great – how do you like it?' " says Mr. Krattenmaker, of Yardley, Pa. "There was just a complete gap in sensibility and taste, a virtual gulf."
Music was not the only gulf. From clothing and hairstyles to activities and expectations, earlier generations of parents and children often appeared to revolve in separate orbits.
Today, the generation gap has not disappeared, but it is shrinking in many families. The old authoritarian approach to discipline – a starchy "Because I said so, that's why" – is giving way to a new egalitarianism and a "Come, let us reason together" attitude.
The result can be a rewarding closeness among family members. Conversations that would not have taken place a generation ago – or that would have been awkward, on subjects such as sex and drugs – now are comfortable and common. And parent-child activities, from shopping to sports, involve an easy camaraderie that can continue into adulthood.
No wonder greeting cards today carry the message, "To my mother, my best friend."
But family experts caution that the new equality can also have a downside, diminishing respect for parents.
"There's still a lot of strict, authoritarian parenting out there, but there is a change happening," says Kerrie Laguna, a mother of two young children and a psychology professor at Lebanon Valley College in Annville, Pa. "In the middle of that change, there is a lot of confusion among parents."
Family researchers offer a variety of reasons for these evolving roles and attitudes. They see the 1960s as a benchmark. Dramatic cultural shifts led to more open communication and a more democratic process that encourages everyone to have a say.
"My parents were on the 'before' side of that shift, whereas today's parents, the 40-somethings, were on the 'after' side," explains Krattenmaker, news director at Swarthmore College. "It's much easier for 40-somethings and today's teenagers to relate to one another. It's not a total cakewalk for parents these days, because life is more complicated, but [sharing interests] does make it more fun to be a parent now."
Parents and children as friends "Fun" is, in fact, a word heard far more frequently in families today than in the past, when "duty" and "responsibility" were often operative words.
Parents today are more youthful in appearance and attitudes. From bluejeans to blow-drys, their clothes and hairstyles are more casual, helping to bridge the sartorial divide. Those who are athletically inclined also enjoy Rollerblading, snowboarding, and rock-climbing with their offspring.
For the past three years, Kathy and Phil Dalby of Arnold, Md., have spent at least one evening a week, and sometimes two, at a climbing gym with their three children. "It's great to be able to work together," Mrs. Dalby says. "We discuss various climbs and where the hard parts are. Sometimes that leads to other conversations, and sometimes it doesn't. We're definitely closer."
A popular movement with roots in the 1970s, parent effectiveness training, has helped to reshape generational roles. The philosophy encourages children to describe their feelings about various situations. As a result, says Robert Billingham, a family-studies professor at Indiana University, "Parents and children began talking to each other in ways they had not before."
On the plus side, he adds, these conversations made parents realize that children may have important thoughts or feelings that adults need to be aware of.
But Professor Billingham also sees a downside: Many parents started making decisions based on what their child wanted. "The power shifted to children. Parents said, 'I have to focus on making my child happy,' as opposed to 'I have to parent most appropriately.' "
Other changes are occurring as the ranks of working mothers grow. An increase in guilt on the part of busy parents makes them less eager to spend time disciplining, says Dr. Laguna of Lebanon Valley College.
Time-short parents also encourage children's independence, making them more responsible for themselves. "They'll say, 'We trust you to make the right decisions' [whether they're ready to assume the responsibility or not]," says Billingham.
The self-esteem movement of the past quarter-century has also affected family dynamics. Some parents worry that if they tell their child no, or impose limits, it will hurt the child's self-esteem.
Yet, parents who don't set rules risk becoming "so powerless in their own homes that they feel out of control and sometimes afraid," cautions Dennis Lowe, director of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University in Malibu, Calif.
He believes that parents – in their eagerness to keep the peace and avoid arguments – miss an opportunity to teach children how to resolve conflicts, rather than simply avoiding them.
Although sensitive and democratic parenting has its advantages, Laguna expresses concern about "almost epidemic numbers" of children who have few boundaries or expectations.
Dr. Lowe and his wife, Emily, try to maintain structure and boundaries by taking a traditional approach with their children, ages 10 and 14. They also strive for a united front. Challenges arise, he says, when one parent wants an egalitarian relationship with a child, while the other parent wants to set limits.
"Probably the democratic approach is not bad in and of itself," Lowe says. "It's when it swings so far that it promotes lack of rules and structure and discipline for children. Problems also arise when it promotes overindulgence, sometimes in an effort to avoid 'harming' the relationship, rather than teaching children moderation and the limits of life."
Overindulgence, Lowe says, can actually be a sign of neglect – neglecting values, neglecting teaching opportunities, and neglecting the relationship. To be successful, people need an appreciation for rules and limits.
To give their own children that appreciation, the Lowes discuss everything from the kind of movies the children can watch to what is realistic financially.
Lowe sees some parents trying to cultivate friendship with their children even at very early ages. And he knows families where children call parents by their first names. "Rather than 'Mom' or 'Dad,' you have a 7-year-old saying, 'Hey, Gary,' " he explains, adding that a lack of respect for parents could carry over into relationships with teachers, bosses, and others in positions of authority.
Growing understanding Still, encouraging signs exist. Vern Bengtson, who has studied generational changes as coauthor of a forthcoming book, "How Families Still Matter," finds a greater tolerance for divergence between generations today than in the past.
"Because of my own rebellion in the '60s, and because of the way I grew out of it, I can better accept my son's desire for independence and the crazy and sometimes rebellious things that he does," says Professor Bengtson of the University of Southern California, Los Angeles. "Based on my experience, he, too, will grow out of it."
As Dalby, the rock-climbing mom, looks around at friends and acquaintances, she is heartened to find that many people are far more open with the things they talk about with children. "There are a lot more dangers out there now. It's better to address them yourselves, because somebody will."
Where do families go from here?
"Parents have to be careful not to totally be their kid's buddy, because they still have to be the authoritarian and disciplinarian," Krattenmaker says.
For her part, Laguna would like to see role distinctions that illustrate clearly who the adults are.
"I don't think we're swinging back to the 'good old days,' when parents ruled and children kept their mouth[s] shut," Billingham says. "We're swinging toward a balance, where parents once again are viewed as parents, and not as peers to their children. Children are being viewed as very loved and valued family members, but without the power or authority of the parents.
"If we can get this balance, where parents are not afraid to be parents, and parents and children put the family as their priority, we'll be in great shape. I'm very optimistic about the future."
LOL! Seriously, I read somewhere that there are 76 million Baby Boomers alive in the United States today, but only 46 million people of Generation X to replace them. Only with immigration, that the economy is able to work.
Look at this, the Baby Boom generation is responsible for leading this country on a slow decline. The country is not vibrant with young people as it should be, and it's a shame. For one thing, a country ceases to exist if elderly people is constantly outnumbering the young.
Back in 1968, today's U.S. parents of teenagers - at least the overwhelming majority who were European-American - were almost guaranteed a standard of living equal to that of the lower Brit landed gentry as soon as they got a bachelor's degree in any subject. They didn't graduate to student loan debt the size of a Mercedes, either - because their parents paid the bill and because college expenses were low before federal student aid. They typically retired to a full pension before "downsizing" even was a word.
But now underemployment is rife among America's best-educated recent college graduates. It's especially rife among the most-educated - those with graduate or law degrees. Student-loan indebtedness is enormous - a reality of the transfer of college responsibilities from parents to kids. To worsen their futures - compared to Hillary's generation, which their parents were part of, still more - "downsizing" is now common.
We saw Dave Matthews the other night, and I'm taking her to see Cheap Trick next month, and the Rolling Stones with Sheryl Crow and No Doubt in November.
But that's all just for fun. The generation gap is still there, as it should be. She still doesn't have pierced ears (mutual agreement, actually), wear spaghetti straps, or show her belly button.
Yup. Sounds about right. Which is why most of the kids lack a parent (usually a father) who prefers fun with a young chickie to being a parent, and either didn't marry mom or ran off with another babe.
LOL! I take it that you are afraid to admit that you are a baby boomer.
I know I would be.
Narcissism has it's price. It's called extinction.
Yes, that is exactly my point. If the next few generations follow Baby Boomers' example, then there is no doubt at all that it is the end of the Western Civilization as we know it.
I have a problem with that since I am not a Baby Boomer, and in fact I am very young compared to other FReepers. I wouldn't like to live in a world that is vastly transformed from today, for worse rather than better.
And a valid point it is. I was born at the beginning of the baby boom, towards the end of WWII, and was a part of the conservative, patriotic minority in college. The Depression bred, World War II fighting generatiion has been called, perhaps too strongly, 'The Greatest Generation'. One thing is clear, the Clinton-loving, narcissistic Baby Boomers are without question 'The Worst Generation'.
They are call Boomers because of the high birth rates post WWII. That implies that the generation before the boomer were also narcissistic because they must have had a lower birth rate.
By this definition, any American who is not married with more than two children is a narcissist.
Ditto here, CL! We've always 'parented' our kids, but also let them have some measure of say about things. That can be done as long as the parents decide what the available choices will be and explain why some choices are NOT available. This is how you teach your kids your values. We are fortunate that our older boys had great friends and did not get into trouble as teenagers. They were usually at our house with their friends, which we (and their friends' parents) loved because we knew where they were and what they were doing. We just always made sure there was lots of food, and the guys were happy to be here! LOL!
We decided last year to homeschool the younger two (12 and 14) and that has been a lot of fun. We've gotten to know them so much more than we did the older two at this age because we're with them more. They're a lot of fun to be with, and they don't mind being with US! They adore their older brothers and love it when they come home from college.
I guess my point is, you don't have to come down like a hammer on your kids in order for them to respect you. You have to make sure that they know the limits, know what the consequences are if they cross the line, and be willing to bring those consequences to bear when necessary!
As far as clothing and music are concerned, I'll do what I like, thank you very much! I'm pushing 50, am still wearing my jeans and t-shirts and I love rock music. I'm not a big fan of some of the more recent music, but there are some groups that my older boys and I like in common, Dave Matthews, for example. And the younger two have listened to more 60s rock than the recent stuff. Neither are into popular music at all, thank goodness, so we mostly listen to what I have on my CD player which is an eclectic combination of classical, folk, rock, and bluegrass!
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