Jerrold Nadler's press secretary's web site. Check this lunatic out.

Seriously, the guy's writing is just painfully infantile. And I don't think I've ever come across anyone who was so totally (and wrongly) convinced that his material is FUNNY.

181 posted on 05/22/2002 6:28:43 AM PDT by hellinahandcart

mocks Judaism even though he claims to be one

You mean like this?

Also, my GOD wouldn't make me eat that damn Matzoh on Passover, if he loved me so much. He'd let me eat some REAL bread.

Yeah, that leaped right out at me too. If God had really loved the Jews, he would have given them time to let their bread rise before they had to leave Egypt :o. Imagine a Catholic saying "if God really loved me, He'd give me something more substantial than a little wafer at communion." Reminds me of that Lipton's ad last year, where the man was in the communion line holding a bowl of dip.

But again, this Schmeltzer pig thinks he is FUNNY. When he wrote that, he was probably picturing himself at the mike at some comedy club, with the audience doubled up on the floor howling with laughter. When in truth, the line would have gone over like a lead balloon...

182 posted on 05/22/2002 6:41:42 AM PDT by hellinahandcart

183 posted on 05/22/2002 6:47:05 AM PDT by Registered

I'm not suprised. He has the same mentality of the aides who whizzed on the carpets and destroyed the keyboards when they left the White House. Typical, moronic, dumbocrats.

184 posted on 05/22/2002 7:16:06 AM PDT by Attillathehon

To: hellinahandcart;smith288

Anyone see where Eric went to High School?

Got a freep mail request. Any HS or college info would be helpful.

185 posted on 05/22/2002 7:22:28 AM PDT by LarryLied

Not in this lifetime!

186 posted on 05/22/2002 7:23:36 AM PDT by NYC GOP Chick

Try this school

Cheltenham High School - 1989-1993
Wyncote, PA

187 posted on 05/22/2002 7:28:14 AM PDT by smith288

To: hellinahandcart

Wanna share the name of your "imaginary Congressman" with us? ;-)

(seriously, I may have to try that myself. I will pretend I have two terrific senators!)

My "new" Congressman is former House Manager Steve Buyer

188 posted on 05/22/2002 7:28:40 AM PDT by NYC GOP Chick

From the hillzoo link in #99--

Donovan McNabb. He went to Syracuse with me and now is playing for my hometown Iggles! I would change my sexual orientation for Donovan. Seriously.

So he at least attended Syracuse for a while.

189 posted on 05/22/2002 7:31:02 AM PDT by hellinahandcart

To: NYC GOP Chick

Oh that's much better. Easier on the eyes, too.

190 posted on 05/22/2002 7:32:26 AM PDT by hellinahandcart

Now if someone can tell me who Donovan McNabb is and what Iggles are, I can get some work done today...

191 posted on 05/22/2002 7:33:36 AM PDT by hellinahandcart

To: hellinahandcart

192 posted on 05/22/2002 7:38:04 AM PDT by ottersnot

Thanks! That was fast. More of Eric:

Staffer of the Week
Eric "Sharp Elbows" Schmeltzer
Press Secretary
Congressman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY)
Why they were nominated:
"Eric is one of the funniest guys on the Hill and -- as a press secretary -- it is a very useful skill. He's also hardworking, a nice guy, and represents to qualities all staffers should strive for."
Bachelor's in Communications (Public Relations), Syracuse University. Cheltenham High School, Class of '93, Bay-bee!
What was your first political experience?
It was the night of the prom, and my girl and I went up to Blueberry Hill, which was known as the time as "make-out point." And... Oh wait, that's my OTHER first experience. I think listening to my grandmother show me how she answered the phones, "Dukakis for President" was really my first. I also made a commercial for "Jimmy Peanut Butter" in grade school English class, for our great peanut farming President.
What is the first thing you’d do as a Member of Congress?
Introduce a resolution making WrestleMania a national holiday.
The BEST advice anyone ever gave me was ...
"No glove, no love." My Dad told me this on the way to college. With no kids (that I know of), yet, I think that was pretty sound advice.
The WORST advice anyone ever gave me was ...
I don't think I've ever gotten any real bad advice from anyone else, though, I ignore plenty of good advice, like when to hold my tongue as a Press Secretary. I'm a Gemini, so I'm kinda headstrong like that. Oh, once someone told me that taking Rashaan Salaam in my fantasy football draft was a "Sure thing." Does anyone remember Rashaan Salaam?!
In my free time, I usually ...
... hang out with the Fonz at Arnold's. Also, I tutor an 8 year old on Saturday mornings. I like doing this because he's the only guy in Washington DC that I know that will sit there and talk with me about Wrestling, Hip Hop music, bein' a ladies man, and doesn't think I'm weird when I say, "Dag!"
The one TV show I always make time to watch is ...
The Simpsons. It used to be Emeril's cooking show, but DC Cable sucks. I'm all for deregulation and competition if it gets me a chance to watch the "BAM!" Man again.
Who is your favorite politician from the opposition party?
George W. Bush. Not because I necessarily think he's all that great, and he's certainly not been the best as far as promptly getting New York City the emergency recovery money that it needs so badly, but the man always has something funny to garble, and if that fails, there's always pretzels for a laugh. If I was in Congress, my staff would get tired of me saying. . . "BAP!" or "DAG!" or "ENUNGH!" or "FRICKA!" or any other nonsensical sound of frustration that my co-workers have to hear me yell daily.
Behind my back, people say ...
I have a sweet ass. Or, if they are 70 years old, that I have a "nice tushy."
Most people don't know that I ...
... secretly think that chick flicks can be cute and touching. You go girl!.
If someone wanted to get on my good side ...
... they will not try to impress me with money and connections, and not be too shallow. I swear to God, if one more beefcake idiot with a Friends haircut, sideburns, and khakis who's deepest thought is whether to wear Drakkar Noir or Hillfiger Sport takes over another one of my hipster punk joints, I'm gonna go postal.
My ultimate, fantasy "dream job" would be ...
... an '80s rock star with feathered hair and rouge and chest hair, who has women in hot pants lusting after me. Yes, I would be on top of the world, until a dark underbelly of drugs, booze, women, and debauchery brought my world crashing down. But then, I'd also get a VH-1 Behind the Music episode.
I would push my way through a crowd to get into a picture with ...
Donovan McNabb. He went to Syracuse with me and now is playing for my hometown Iggles! I would change my sexual orientation for Donovan. Seriously.
Pose one question to yourself we haven’t asked … and answer it:
Question: "Eric, you've done and accomplished everything there is to do in this world. You have a steady set of female groupies who follow you and steal your underwear just so they can sleep up against it. Men read everything there is about you so that they can more be like you. What's your secret?"
Answer: "Haha, that's a good question, Tom Snyder. Well, I scribbled this thought down this morning, that explains it all. It's an original thought by me, and quite perceptive. Ahem. 'I don't care too much for money, cause money can't buy me love.'"

Editor's Note: Since Eric also sent us this picture to use with the profile, this 1980s time warp response seemed to be as a good a place as any to drop in this photo of Eric & Tha Boyz -- and, yup, that's Eric in the middle. Be sure to note Eric's snazzy white shoes, too.
http://www.hillzoo.com/staffers021802.htm

193 posted on 05/22/2002 7:48:49 AM PDT by LarryLied

To: hellinahandcart

McNabb is a quarterback for Philadelphia. McNabb now has body guards looking out for this freak show.

194 posted on 05/22/2002 8:00:25 AM PDT by smith288

To: sheik yerbouty

Yes, in fact his butt cheeks are in different zip codes.

195 posted on 05/22/2002 8:01:51 AM PDT by bribriagain

Oh, okay. Iggles = Eagles. Thank you.

196 posted on 05/22/2002 8:02:12 AM PDT by hellinahandcart

What a specimen this guy is. Does he help Gary Condit shave?

197 posted on 05/22/2002 8:09:43 AM PDT by rwt60

If these cats truly think:

"Eric is one of the funniest guys on the Hill and -- as a press secretary -- it is a very useful skill. He's also hardworking, a nice guy, and represents to qualities all staffers should strive for."

We are effing DOOMED.

I've never seen a more pathetic, poorly-constructed, unfunny-yet-trying-to-be-funny vanity website on the Web (at least, one that wasn't a complete spoof). SOMEBODY IS PAYING THIS GUY REAL AMERICAN DOLLARS TO BE HIS PRESS SECRETARY!!!!

198 posted on 05/22/2002 8:13:12 AM PDT by Hemingway's Ghost

I just checked the HillZoo site for info about Nadler's legislative aide, David Greenglass, and he seems to make a lot more sense (and is funnier) than Long Dong Schmeltzer. Here is what he says in response to a couple of questions:

If elected to Congress, I would outlaw... ...Sheila Jackson Lee speaking on the floor more than once a week.

The person who could fill in for me at a moment's notice is... ...Woody Allen – before he started sleeping with his daughter.

These were both funny answers but I sure hope I don't get David in trouble for his astute observation about Sheila Jackson Lee.

199 posted on 05/22/2002 9:07:39 AM PDT by PJ-Comix

I always thought liberals were over-imaginative idolatrous pukes. But even in the field of gutter imagination, they are unimpressive. I guess there is hell for a good reason and they are real close to it given their own intellectual self-extinction.

200 posted on 05/22/2002 9:16:32 AM PDT by lavaroise

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