PARIS - France held secret military exercises in order to better prepare for an eventual surrender should they ever be attacked, say officials in the government.
According to sources, the latest military drills were successful, after six previous trials resulted in French soldiers being forced to somehow defend their country.
The training exercises, which began within days after the September 11 terrorist attacks in America, focused on a coordinated effort between the French government and its soldiers in case they are confronted by an act of the slightest aggression by a foreign government.
"The policy of of an immediate and unconditional surrender is not left up to chance as many would believe," says Jean-Pierre Le Carche, deputy assistant to the French U.N Envoy. "Every aspect is methodically planned so as not to disrupt the wonderful French way of life."
The first step, according to Le Carche, is "to apologize profusely to the angry country and then act like we didn't know anyone was mad at us. We say things like 'who us?' What? We didn't do anything wrong. We're on your side."
If the aggression continues, the government is instructed to immediately blame another country or group of people for the danger and hatred they have brought upon the true French people.
"The procedure calls for use using our country's propaganda machine — which, by the way, doubles as a wine bottler— to blame everything on either the United States, the Jews or both. Preferably both. Then we begin deporting people. Of course, who will be deported depends on the country asking. If it's the Jews, that's easy. We just hand them a list of addresses."
The third measure is invoked only if previous efforts have failed to produced results.
"Our troops are told to immediately lay on the ground like sheep. This momentarily confuses the enemy while our leaders quickly flee to Switzerland."
According to former French General Luc-Paul Didier, France has learned from its mistakes of the past, particularly during the German invasion of World War II.
"We got it all screwed up in those other wars by laying down like sheep first and then deporting people second," Didier said. "If we would have just planned a little better, we might have actually shared a beer with the German troops instead of prostituting our wives for a warm baguette.
The Official Mint of France has created commemorative statues of French surrenders throughout history.
