Why do women cheat on their husbands

[LN2Campy]

The situation you posit is a valid hypothetical, and one that is more common than a lot of people care to admit. There are a lot of married women who (even after years of couple's counseling, therapy, etc.) simply DO NOT EVER want to make love again, and the husband is STUCK with the choice of divorce, cheating, or just sucking it up and spanking it till he dies.

Divorce is probably the most honest and open option, but many times finances or children make this impractical.

You're fighting an uphill battle here -- everyone is either extremely judgmental and rigid or else is of the "Just get a divorce" mentality.

[Don Myers]

"All I wanted was an answer."

You are welcome. Was my answer too long?

[lavaroise]

God is dead and we want big, expensive SUV's.

I beg to disagree with the wallet size and SUV.

If the communists attracted women most, it was not because of big SUVs and big wallets.

Women go for the winner, period. I have seen beautiful women go with downtroden ugly and poor drug addicted jail birding punks, who got beat by them, who got spat on, drugged and what not, even to the point of having their own children murdered.

You see, there is such a thing called evil, the evil that flirts with death and has nothing to lose hence is always winning against those who have all to lose. Some people sense that power and are seduced by it. The hell with healing, it is winning they want. If the bigger wallet helps that, then they will go for the bigger wallet. but if it is death, then they will be sleeping with death.

I'd rather see a wife cheat on her husband for money than for horror stories. THe former I can understand to a certain extent as some men are real disconcerting crocodiles, the latter revulses me the most.

As for a divorce, cheating on a man or divorcing him is the same. People allowing divorce are simply allowing in many cases a debased democraticaly contracted form of adultery, and that is unacceptable, it is cheating with hypocrisy added on top of it all.

Enough said.

[lavaroise]

Personally, if my wife of 19 years has been unfaithful I don't wan't to know about it. I very much don't want to know about it!

Some will come and tell you they cheated on you 10 years ago only to hurt you. They will claim it is out of honesty, but had they been honest they would have told you right away. Now they will cry and tell you you have been had, and that they are honest about it. Ah! What a trip.

I understand you 100%. Its bad enough they cheat on you, you certainly do not want them to tell you're an idiot who has been had and who cannot expect to be taken care of in the olden years.

[1Old Pro]

Ouch, Sh*t happens I guess.

[LowOiL]

Please excuse the typo's I am about to post below

A person needs to feel loved. Thus picture a love tank if you will. If it is full, there is no desire to look elsewhere. To keep that tank full, one's spouce should know how to express love to their spouce in a manner that they acknowledge. Thus one needs to know their spouce's love language.

There is five basic love languages.
1. Quality time
2. Acts of Service
3. Physical Touch
4. Words of Affirmation
5. Gifts

Usually a person has one main love language and possibly a secondary love language. If you are not doing the love language that is recognised by your spouce as love, you are wasting your time.

The trick is to determine your spouces love language, and if you care for them (and you should) you do their love language and "fill" their love tank full. Thus they feel loved and don't think of other immoral means to try and substitute love in their lives.

Example: if one's spouce's LL(love language) is quality time, then you need to turn off the tv and spend time with them one on one with your 100% attention. The crave it and it speaks love to them.
But.... if one spouce is not a quality time person and the other spouce tries to express love with such, they will in effect smoother that person and acually obtain the opposite objective. I am not a quality time person, but my wife is, I know I have to take time to express my love for her by giving her special time, she needs it to feel loved.

If ones's love language is "Words of Affirmation". Then a word or two truthfully express about how good they do something makes a world of difference. This is my LL and my wife does a good job of telling me how proud she is of me because I do certain things for her and the family. I could live a good week on an Honest good compliment.

If ones's LL is gifts. You will notice they are usually the ones that are constantly give you things. You know the type, you can't outgive them. They do it cause that is what they know as expressing love to others and they need a small token of love expressed back at them to feel loved. They are reaching out when they give. You con't have to outgive and it does not have to be something expensive, perhaps an extra icecream cone when you go to the store. A little trinket that caught your eye that you know they collect. Just something... says a whole lot of love to them.

Perhaps their LL is "Acts of Service". Then doing a chore for them every now and zen means the world for them. Perhaps jumping in and helping with the dishes will fill that Love Tank to overflowing. If they are overflowing with love, they just might be more than willing to do some loving back in a manner you appreciate.

Lastly there is "Physical Touch". Men ofter think this is surely what theirs must be. But often they are decieving themselves. Physical touch could be as simple as goosing them when you pass by them. Perhaps a bunch of hugs during the day. Yes and it could mean sex of course. But often men think this would be their LL, but in reality, if their true LL is "words of affirmation" and the wife is saying something like "when are you going to take that garbage out, you know it ain't going out the door by itself" then they often are so frustrated they are not in the mood to be nice back to the wife. One knows sex is a multy level experience and for it to be good, it helps not to feel empty inside. If your love tank is empty, then your sex is probable lacking also.

Take time to read your spouces LL and start expressing it. It's rewards are beyond a divorce.

LOW OiL

[Scully]

Then why not have the "cajones" to tell the husband you're leaving before having sex with someone else? There's no excuse for a woman to cheat. For a man, the consideration is that if he leaves the marriage, his wife ruins him financially.

My point was evidently expressed badly. I agree that whomever is driven to infidelity should have the integrity to leave the marriage before committing adultery. As to your other point, double-standards IMHO are inappropriate.

[HamiltonJay]

Whoa.. someones on a soap box.. women are attracted to men for various reasons... I am not calling all women shallow... but I will tell you this, a man with a good sense of humor and a big wallet is more likely to find a mate than a man with a good sense of humor and is poor... like the mother's teach their daughters... its just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one... don't forget it.

Its not suprising, and its not a condemnation of all of the fairer sex.

[E.G.C.]

Here are my thoughts on this subjcet.

We've been discussing the topic of people cheating on each other for the last few days. I'll tell where I think the concept got it's zenith. It all goes back to the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky ordeal.

There used to be a time when we would hold the concept of faithfuness and loyalty in high regard. When you entered into a relationship, you wanted and demanded faithfulness and loyalty of your mate.

That idea, unfortunately went right out the window when we chose to forgive ol' X42 for his adultery simply because he was liberal or progressive minded. In fact not only did we encourage and enabled this kind of behavior but some women would look at him and swoon and the first thing that would come into mind is "Now there's someone who's caring, senstive and handsome. If only my boyfriend or husband would be like him, the old lazy bum."

The question that comes to mind is what if this had been a christian or a conservative or an average joe sleeping around like that. How would his girlfriend or wife feel? For that matter how would we as a society feel?

I'm afraid what has happened here is we have chosen to devalue the concept of faithfulness and loyalty in relationships and that's really a shame. The most stable and long-lasting of relationships are the one man woman/one woman man kind. unfortunately, those kind are getting very hard to come by these days.

I think if everyone would open their minds and realize the importance of faithfulness and loyalty in relationships, especially faithfulness and loyalty to the mate who pays the bills in the family, we as a society would be far better off. There's nothing wrong with demanding faithfulness and loyalty in realationships. Anyone that says otherwise needs to have his or her head examined.
Regards.

[sandonca]

No! I just wish others would answer me too, instead of attacking me because they cant handle a girl who isnt afraid to say she likes sex.

Mackattack, did you get my reply? I sent you a private message or e-mail. I totally aggree with you and LN2campy.

Divorce is probably the most honest and open option, but many times finances and children make this impractical. You're fighting an uphill battle here -- everyone is either extremely judgmental and rigid or else is of the "Just get a divorce" mentality.

I heard a statistic, (Sorry I don't have a source) that said, 50% of marriages end in divorce. Of the 50% that last, 75% of those are not truely happy in their relationship and are either living in denial, or have become apathetic about it. Only about 10-15% of marriages last with both partners feeling truely happy with each other. I'm not sure what I think of those numbers, but I bet they are close. But why is that? Because people change, expect too much from marriage, or because they weren't suitable for each other in the first place? Or maybe as some people said, they have no honor, character, and integrity, because they feel desire and lust and have cheating eyes and hearts.

[shaggy eel]

,,, thank you both for filling me in on the Libertarian thing. Dan, you're right about the dimensional aspect - I'll spend some time today on these links you've given me.

Regards from Wellington City.

[nobdysfool]

It seems to me more like my hypothetical question hit too close to home? There was no need to attack me for it, if the question made you upset, because it struck a nerve, that isnt my problem.

Nope, sorry, you're WRONG. It did not upset me, and you didn't really read what I said. For starters, that particular scenario has never happened to me, nor is it likely to. My wife cheated on me, multiple times, and in so doing killed the love I felt for her. I married with no expectations of divorcing, because I took those vows seriously. When she managed to kill the love, I was the one who said "enough, I won't live this way any longer. I will not be made a fool of, I will not be the object of others' scorn or pity. I want out." She was neither fat, nor was she pumping out children, nor had she "cut me off". I do not hate sex, I love sex. I have had sexual partners after the divorce, but none recently. You say you like sex. Great, I would love to find a woman that loves sex, too. I don't have a problem with sex, or with women. What I have a problem with is finding a woman who has her head screwed on straight, and isn't a man-hater, who understand what a vow is and doesn't promise things she has no intention of delivering. I'm looking for a woman who realizes it isn't always going to be sweetness and light, that there will be difficulties, but two people committed to each other and to their relationship can work out those things better than one person alone.

I haven't channeled my sexual energies into bitterness. I'm just really tired of your constant focus on the physical, in terms of sex, looks, etc. as though that was all there is to marriage, or to a relationship. You seem to think that people cheat on their mates for reasons sexual, or reasons having to do with how they look. That's the shallowness I'm talking about. I won't deny that those reasons sometimes come into play, but that is an indication of the shallowness of the individuals. Relationships are complex, and each one is unique in the problems and trials faced by the partners. Those problems can't always be solved by a good f**k, as much as you'd like to think they can be, whether inside or outside the relationship. People grow apart. Sometimes the ties that bound people together at first unravel, due to neglect, or to other reasons. It isn't always sexual. One of the things that sets us above animals is the fact that we can resist and redirect our basic instincts when following those instincts would cause harm to others. To exercise control over our basic urges, our sexual urges, is not denial of them, it is saying that we will control them, rather than being controlled by them. You do not raise yourself to a higher level by refusing to exercise control over the lower level.

I know that most of what I have said will go right in one ear and out the other, because, being young, you are CERTAIN that you have greater understanding than your elders...that is the basic folly of youth. Whoever said that youth was wasted on the young was a genius. Doesn't matter whether you agree with me or not. I'm not even saying that I consider myself an expert on the subject. You've expressed your opinion. I've expressed mine. Neither one cancels out the other. You see the older ones here as having hang-ups and phobias, because you can't graps what we're saying. We have reasons for what we say, and experiences to back it up. You don't.

[nobdysfool]

It is about women getting busy with someone else(emphasis mine). Doing the deed, knocking boots, booty call, whatever term you wish to describe it. It is about sex!

And that is precisely why I am disagreeing with you! My wife had no lack of sex from me, but still felt the "need" to go get it somewhere else. Why, I don't know, but it wasn't that I'm a bad lover (and not just in my own mind). Why don't you tell me why women cheat on their husbands? Obviously you know. Let's hear it. Do you think it's wrong to break marriage vows? Do you see it as betrayal?

Oh, so it's about sex...that answers it all. Sex is the be-all and end-all of existence. At least that's what it sounds like you believe. I'm glad you enjoy sex. I do too, and wish I had more of it. I don't have a hang-up about it, I think it's great, I love it, and can't get enough of it. But right now, I don't have it, so I have to deal with it. The thing is, I don't just want sex, I want the whole package. Just doin' the nasty doesn't fulfill me the way i want. I want a partner, a lover, a best friend, a companion to share my life with, not just a f**k-buddy. Call me old-fashioned, but I think sex is better when you have an emotional attachment and committment to someone.

[nobdysfool]

Amazing! A woman who can actually articulate what she wants! Do you have any idea how rare that is? Most women expect men to be a mind-reader, so they can be "surprised" by how perceptive he is. Maybe it's just because you are a woman who is honest and up-front about your sexuality. Most women aren't.

You say "Find another"...I have been trying just that for the last 11 years...easy to say, hard to do. Most women today either want a sugar daddy, or they have been so mistreated that they can't (or won't) trust a man ever again. And some just are victims of their own bad choices, but the common thinking today is that whatever bad things have happened to women are because of men, and couldn't possibly be the woman's fault. They say they don't want "baggage" or "head-games", but by mid-life, everyone has baggage, and everyone has either played, or been played. Having baggage is not a sin, it's what you do with it. What you described is exactly what I'm looking for.