Posted on 02/21/2002 8:32:12 AM PST by Saundra Duffy
Divorce is bad enough - a bloody nightmare - but what happens to families in the aftermath of divorce is even worse. I was pretty ignorant on the subject until my son was faced with the most God awful challenge of his life. The following is from a web site created by a husband and wife who are outraged and hurt over the entire process. Thanks, FReepers, for reading about and contemplating these issues.
I am writing this letter to tell the country about a cruel injustice and blatant discrimination that is going on in the U. S. right now.
My wife and I are both divorced with children from a previous marriage. We have both been granted Joint Legal Custody of our children and are both named the Non-Custodial parent. We are ordered by the court to pay child support every month, and the Custodial parent is ordered to allow visitation.
Here is the injustice:
If we fail to pay child support the custodial parent has a government agency to get the money for the parent with no out of pocket expenses.
If we fail to return the children to the custodial parent at the end of the visitation I can be charged with Kidnapping, which is a felony.
However:
If the custodial parent ignores the court order and refuses to allow visitation as ordered, we are forced to retain an attorney to have the case tried, which takes time and money. The police department will not enforce the court order. The courts require a petition filed (which can take months and be very expensive). Social services will not help either.
Furthermore, the most the custodial parent can be charged with is Contempt of Court, which is a misdemeanor.
Where is the justice in this? One parent has a government agency to protect them while the other parent has to retain an attorney, wait months, and hope to be granted a new court order, that the custodial parent can also ignore.
Money due for child support can be collected any time, but the missed days of visitation can never be replaced.
It is not just the parent that suffers either. The child is robbed of time with their other natural parent, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings. And the family members of the non-custodial parents suffer as well.
Lately there has been a lot of talk about "Dead Beat Dads", but no talk about the other parent, the ones who love their children and cherish every moment they get to share with their kids.
Even though we have Joint Legal Custody, we do not have joint legal rights or protection. The current laws need to be updated so that the other parent gets the same protection from the government.
We are urging everyone that has had a similar problem, known someone with this problem, or just thinks this is unjust, to write their congressman and senators demanding a change in the laws as well an agency for the protection of the other parent. In all fairness we deserve the same rights and protection the custodial parent has.
You can also write us and we will forward your letters to congress and senate.
"THE OTHER PARENT"
c/o Robert J. and Marie A. Baker Jr.
4615 Port Tobacco Rd.
Nanjemoy MD 20662
Names and addresses are optional but we will require a city and state so we can forward the letters to the correct politicians. If a name is included it will be held in the strictest confidentiality. All letters and E-Mail we receive will be used only for the purpose of lobbying Congress. Some may be posted on this board if permission is given in writing.
The email address is: rrrrbrt@bellatlantic.net
I wish I had a nickel for every kid who was told that by his mother, only to be shown a drawer full of canceled checks by his father at some point.
I would say that the need to overhaul this situation is at least fifty years overdue.
I know a couple who, after 14 years of marriage, the husband has a mid-life crisis, tells his wife he wants a divorce, and proceeds to dump this on their daughter in the car without any warning;
Or my daughters' friend, whose father took out a second mortgage on the house, left his wife and two young kids, and shacked up with his girlfriend;
Or my former aunt who used her son as a pawn in the divorce, lying and manipulating him. His mother said she would kill herself if he told the court he wanted to live with his dad.
I suppose that I am the lucky one. My father never married my mother and, when she told him she was pregnant (she was a college graduate in her mid-20s, he about 10 years older, divorced), he told her to have an abortion. She told him she wouldn't, and he skipped town. Actually, left the country for ten years so he wouldn't have to pay for me or his daughter from his first marriage. My mother did everything on her own with, thank God, help from her parents who stood by her the entire time. So, we didn't get a dime from my father. And now, after I tracked him down when I was 19, he doesn't understand why I don't want a relationship with him if I went to all the trouble of tracking him down. First, I wanted him to know that I EXISTED and second, I wanted to see him because half of me came from him.
What is the problem with people? Why is it so easy for some people to leave their families? I know that not all marriages are destined for bliss. Maybe that's part of the problem: we need more and better pre-marital counseling. We need to treat marriage as a Sacrament, an oath between husband and wife and God. We need to make it harder to divorce (unless, of course, there is physical abuse). We need to help families stay together because families are the backbone of our society. Without families, western civilation will fall.
Just my two cents. I know everyone has a story. I turned out just fine, and I love my mother more than I could ever tell her because I know that she sacrificed for me, and I hope that I can show my own children through my actions how much I love them, like my mother did.
A great help in these matters is holding out for the right judge.
One Friday morning there was a couple in court ahead of me bickering over the visitation schedule, which had never been put in writing and they were tossing accuastions back and forth at each other.
The judge got so fed up with hearing the trash talk that he held both of them in contempt and had the bailiffs handcuff each one. He then proceeded to tell them :"You're going to be put in adjoining cells on the detention level and your going to stay there until you have both worked out and signed a visitation schedule, which I'll approve. I'm leaving after lunch and won't be back until Tuesday. If you don't have me something by lunch, you'll be there all weekend plus Monday because I'm the only person who can get you out."
I thought that was pretty cool of the Judge to lay it on them like that.
The main reason that I share my story on these divorce related threads is because I want people to hear the truth about what happens to real people and real children who live through real divorces. The results I've seen from my experience and from the experience of others is that it is wildly destructive to families and to our society as a whole. I've learned a lot of hard lessons in my life. One thing I've learned is that men can be very, very cruel to each other, but women have the capacity to take cruelty to extreme and dazzling heights. "Hell hath no fury..." and all that.
We as a society should make marriage a lot harder to get into and a lot harder to get out of, especially where children are involved.
Agreed! A friend of mine believes the custodial parent should have to make an accounting of expenditures. Not a bad idea.
My mother home schools my daughter, by the way, and she lives with my mom and dad. I almost live with them, as I am over there every day and tuck my daughter in bed every night, and have her for the weekends, but we found that it is more "peaceful" if I can have a place to go (I have a little apartment about 5 minutes away from my parents' house) if we hotly disagree about something (occuring less and less frequently).
I hope my daughter turns out as lovely and respectful of his mother and grandparents as you are!
My mom lived with my grandparents for the first year of my life and they completely supported her. Obviously, you have a similar situation.
I would love to share all the sacrifices my mother made, but it would take too much space! Suffice it to say, I know now that my mother DID make great sacrifices for me.
Growing up, I just knew my father wasn't a part of my life, that he didn't want to be a part of our lives. It wasn't anything I dwelled on. My mother always put it as us, together, so I didn't feel like it was just me he didn't want. I knew that my mother didn't know where he was and couldn't reach him if she wanted to. Maybe it was because I grew up in the 70s, or maybe I was just naive, but I never thought about where babies came from, or that my mother wasn't married, or about sex. My mother said the hardest part for me was father-daughter events at school. About five years after my grandfather died, my grandma remarried and my new wonderful grandpa took me to father-daughter dinners and dances. I will always remember those times.
Anyway. I started questioning more as a teen-ager, and started blaming my mother for my dad not being around. She didn't give me a straight answer for a long time, and I resented her for it. I didn't think that it hurt her, or that maybe I was too obnoxious, or that I was being a rebellious brat, or was using the issue to be a martyr. Finally, after I tormented my mother for two years and turned her gray, I asked my grandmother. I was 17. She told me the truth. My father had been separated from his first wife when he and my mother met each other. They dated, and in fact double-dated with two people who I knew -- one was my Godmother. I found out her husband was my father's best friend. None of this I knew, yet I saw them several times a year growing up.
I found out my father had another daughter -- I had a half sister who was four years older than me. I had more information than I ever had before. My grandma also told me that my grandfather, my real one who died when I was 2, tried to find him, but he had left the country to avoid paying ailmony and child support to his first wife.
I called my Godmother's husband, without telling my mom, and he filled in some more details. When I turned 18, I started looking for my father. I actually found my half-sister first. Then, I met my father for the first time when I was 18-1/2.
We are as different as night and day. I am a conservative Catholic hardcore Republican; he is a communist. I don't use that term lightly. But at least I know where I get my political activism! My mother is completely apolitical.
After I met him, I told me mother everything. I know it hurt her, but I wanted to know everything, the truth. She told me he wanted her to have an abortion, and she wouldn't. She said he left the country and her father had hired a private investigator to track him down, but couldn't find him. He was suspected of being a drug runner, smuggling marijuana from Mexico to the U.S. My Godmother's husband told me he had come back to the country, but didn't know where he lived. I told my mom I would meet him again, but I didn't know where it would go from there.
After three or four meetings, I knew that I could never have a relationship with the man who fathered me. The clincher was that he lied to me. He told me flat out that he didn't know I existed. My mom told me he did, and I believe her. My godmother's husband told me my father had actually asked about my mom and me after I was born. So he definitely knew. If he couldn't admit that to me, I couldn't have a relationship with him.
As to your daughter, she probably knows a lot more than I did. Never lie to her, but give her age-appropriate information. I can't say I wouldn't have been a brat as a teen-ager if my mother had answered my questions when I first started asking, but I wouldn't have had that as an excuse for my bad behavior.
Know that whatever you do, you have God's help. Don't do it alone. You have your parents -- they love you, and your daughter. I would, personally, move in with them and deal with the family squabbles. You need to be there for your daughter when she has nightmares, when she is sick, when she just wakes up and wants to talk about something. I know it's hard -- my grandmother had a mind of her own! -- but the times I lived with my grandma and mother were the best in my childhood. You might want to consider a family therapist -- a Christian therapist -- to help with the rough spots.
Good luck, and God bless. He is watching over you and your daughter and loves you both, and is proud of you.
My dad left us when I was 8. He did pay though. But the damage to my life and development was just as bad. I don't care how bad you think your marriage is, if there is not abuse, stay together, for the kids. That's actually a song name ,from blink 182. Now days, all these punk and hard rock bands usually have at least one song about their dad leaving.
A muslim.
If we fail to pay child support the custodial parent has a government agency to get the money for the parent with no out of pocket expenses.
Um...then how about just paying the child support. Problem solved.
If we fail to return the children to the custodial parent at the end of the visitation I can be charged with Kidnapping, which is a felony.
Um...how about returning the children after the agreed upon visitation. Again, no problem.
However:
If the custodial parent ignores the court order and refuses to allow visitation as ordered, we are forced to retain an attorney to have the case tried, which takes time and money. The police department will not enforce the court order. The courts require a petition filed (which can take months and be very expensive). Social services will not help either.
You lost custody for a reason, unless you had a totally inept lawyer. If you did, simply go back and get your kids back.
My ex, "deadbeat mom of the millenium" complains as much as you. However, never fought for a second to keep the kids.
Sorry...I have no sympathy.
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