Posted on 02/04/2002 11:16:55 AM PST by TexRef
SAVANNAH, Georgia (Reuters Health) - ``I'll get that'': those three little words may be music to many women's ears, but preliminary research suggests men may be a bit more cynical about picking up the tab.
After viewing a video in which a man pays for his date's dinner, most college-age women took it to be a sign that he was more ``respectful'' and ``romantically attracted'' to the woman in question, researchers report.
However, a group of young men watching the same interaction ''saw this guy as less respectful to the woman, less respectable himself,'' said study author Bill Altermatt, of the University of Michigan-Flint. He speculates that men may be more mistrustful than women regarding the motives that drive guys to spring for a meal.
The findings were presented here Friday at the annual meeting of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology.
Speaking with Reuters Health, Altermatt described the tradition of the male picking up the tab as just one part of the ``chivalry script,'' a ritual stretching back to ``the origins of courting in the United States, when men had jobs and women didn't.'' Previous study has suggested that other parts of this ''script''--pulling out chairs, holding doors, offering coats--are still viewed positively by men and women alike.
In their recent experiment, Altermatt and his colleagues exposed 35 undergraduates to two videotaped ``dates.'' The dates were identical in all but one respect--in one date the man paid the bill, and in the other the couple split the cost 50-50.
Women typically gave the man higher marks when he sprang for the meal, labeling him kind, respectful and polite--''a gentleman.''
Men were more negative in their reaction.
``I've got to follow this up with some research to find out,'' Altermatt said, ``but my theory is that because men are the ones (typically) initiating this behavior, they might have--I'd hate to say it--some insight into some of the motivations that might be behind it. Perhaps they are seeing his behavior as a little more strategic.''
He cautioned that the study sample size was far too small to draw the conclusion that women are naive and men cynical when it comes to paying the bill. But research suggests that the deference paid to women during courtship can be a double-edged sword.
``The take-home message is that chivalry is both good and bad,'' Altermatt said. ``Chivalry is related to both the stereotype that women are more virtuous than men, but also that women are less competent and powerful than men,'' and in need of their assistance, financial and otherwise.
So if chivalry isn't dead, should it be killed off? ``My hope is that there are some parts of the chivalry script that can be salvaged,'' the Michigan researcher said. ``While some parts might be bad--undermining women's independence--some parts might be fine. Holding the chair might be fine. We don't know yet. Maybe we can preserve the romantic script without undermining a woman's independence.''
What a loser
On the first few dates I will pick up the tab, but I also, choose where we go. I will usually take the date out for
food and a few drinks. That way, I can get to know the individual that I am with, and I can decide if I want to
see this person again.
So, how big is your collection getting? LOL!
I once had a date with a woman who INSISTED upon picking up the entire check after dinner. When I suggested that it was really no problem, she said she wanted to charge the dinner on her Visa to get frequent flier miles or something. So I said fine and offered to pick up the movie, thinking that $7.50ea or so ($15 total) should more or less balance out the meal.
I hadn't realized that the movie she wanted to see was at the cheap ($1.50) theater, and that she wouldn't want any refreshments to go with. Still, I figured I'd simply insist more strongly on picking up the check for our next meal.
Except she didn't want another date, because I was so "cheap" and she hadn't really wanted to have to pick up the dinner tab (about $15). Never mind that she'd insisted three times...
While I agree that the man should pay, I have a problem with golddiggers that that insist that the first date be to some five star restaurant. I find that having coffee at a Starbucks is an easy way to get the first date out of the way without emptying the wallet. One can find out quickly if the woman is worth pursuing. If she is, the money will be spent in the future.
If this seems cynical, I've seen too many women in the corporate world openly brag about how much they took some poor guy to the cleaners on the first date, followed by a monologue on why the woman was too good for the "gentleman" who paid for everything. Pay yes...but don't be a damn fool about it.
It was the first thing I cooked for him, and I worried over the damn thing and called my mother probably a dozen times to make sure I had it exactly right!
So, nope I don't change tires, rarely take out the trash but I always clean up.
There have been times in my life when I was less than well-endowed in the financial department. Does that mean that I should have been deprived of female companionship?
Yes. The taxpayer's do not need to support the product of your recreation. If you can't afford the results of dating, you are too immature to be mating. The government shouldn't be in the business of enabling you to be irresponsible.
Geez, Reeses, haven't you ever engaged in "dating" without "mating"?
During my last year of medical school in 1980, I was living on a budget of $400/month while my long-time girlfriend had a high paying job with IBM. One day, after I again paid for dinner, I realized that there was something wrong with this picture. I asked her to "go Dutch" in the future as I could no longer afford going out if I had to keep paying for both of us.
How long should I have have stopped dating?
Until after I finished medical school? Until after I finished internship and residency? Until after I saved my first million?
It's an investment with payoff to come later.
You mean like investing in Enron?
Hello, people! It's NOT the women who feel demeaned, it's the men in the study who think the woman will feel demeaned! Sheesh!
The way I remember it, when in college, unless it was a first date, or something kind of formal, we split checks fifty-fifty (merely because myself, my dates, and my friends never had much money!) When I 'grew up' (and my friends and dates) the guys usually pay/paid. Grown up women certainly DO NOT feel demeaned when their date pays for dinner (if he doesn't, and you admit it to your girlfriends, you'd better be prepared for the ridicule!!!!!)
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