Posted on 01/04/2002 3:50:14 PM PST by Pokey78
RING out the old, ring in the old. According to People magazine, "The 25 Most Intriguing People Of 2001" include Julia Roberts and Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer was also one of "The 25 Most Intriguing People Of 2000", while Julia was one of Ladies' Home Journal's "Most Fascinating Women Of 2000".
Am I the only one who feels Julia was actually far more fascinating in 2001 and a lot more intriguing back in 2000, when she appeared in London with unshaven armpits? As for Jennifer, I don't think she's really been intriguing since 1996, when she changed her hairdo.
But no matter how many new years are rung in, there are some auld acquaintances we're never allowed to forget. What's really intriguing is: what has to happen in the world for Jennifer not to make the "Most Intriguing People" list?
The Twin Towers crumble, the Taliban tumble, they both got blown away, but this list is here to stay. Oh, sure, there's a nod to topicality - Bush makes the hit parade and, unlike last year, when she made the cut because "she got the husband everyone wanted", this year Jennifer's here because she "helped us muddle through these troubling times by providing reassurance, reliability and comic relief".
But, in these troubling times, the reliability of the "25 People Most Likely To Turn Up On Lists" list is what's really reassuring. I was worried it might be a lot of gloomy world leaders, generals, Afghan warlords. But not a bit. Julia's there because she "won her first Oscar, starred in three movies and weathered a turbulent year on the romantic front".
There's always a woman who "proudly showed fortysomething women how to stay sexy". This year it's Kim Cattrall of Sex and the City. Next year, it'll be Sharon Stone, Michelle Pfeiffer, maybe Pam Shriver.
Prince Harry, on the other hand, "emerged from his brother's shadow to become his own young man". Life would be a lot simpler if we could all be our own young man. Just ask Michael Barrymore. But why Prince Harry and not Richard Reid? A shoe-in for most intriguing Briton of the year. Just what makes him tick? Could it be the timing device in his sock? But People couldn't care less. Instead they plump for Reese Witherspoon, because she "broke out from the pack".
What about Goran Persson? Hot from his stint as Euro President and with Gothenberg's first EU riot under his belt, the Swedish prime minister is unquestionably the most intriguing Persson of the year. But instead People gives us Nicole Kidman, who "rebounded gracefully from a shattered marriage".
Who could forget Mullah Omar? Please don't talk about him, one eye's gone! The intriguing mullah, who routinely turns down interview requests, proudly showed fortysomething women how to stay sexy - just step into this large shapeless tent and you, too, can look as foxy as Kandahar's teen chicks. But People went for Madonna, who offered "proof that middle age hasn't dimmed her star".
True, but you could say the same about General Musharraf. On September 10, he was the Taliban's biggest backer. By September 15, he was Bush's biggest backer. In a land of intrigue, no one is more intriguing. And what of Sir George Harrison? Definitely the most intriguing knight of 2002. How does the rockin' role model feel about the honour? We'll never know! But that's the "Quiet Beatle" for you.
And even Osama himself loses out, though last year saw the intriguing evildoer break out from the pack and sheikh his booty big-time. He's the biggest thing on magazine covers since Princess Di - and hey, he's got kohl-ringed eyes, too. We bet he'd look great in Versace, too, and he might even like hanging out with George Michael.
Alas, he loses out to Mariah Carey, who makes the Top 25 because she "suffered a public breakdown after poor record sales and boyfriend problems". Worse, Osama's only mention is in a joke about him hiding out somewhere barren and deserted - theatres showing Mariah's floppo movie Glitter.
The salient point about People's Intriguing People list is that no one intriguing ever gets on it. I'm not saying celebrities can't be intriguing. Pam Shriver, for example: she's marrying George Lazenby, the James Bond no one remembers, the one between Sean Connery and Roger Moore. How did a 1980s B-list tennis player hook up with a 1960s B-list actor? Is there a magazine? Intriguing.
Or Liza Minnelli. Liza's getting married again to some guy. Can't remember his name and I'm a relative expert in the field. (I've met two Liza Minnelli husbands in my time.) Liza says the wedding will be at St Patrick's Cathedral in New York, with Michael Jackson giving her away, Elizabeth Taylor as matron of honour, and Whitney Houston singing "He-eee-eeere Co-omes The-e Bri-i-i-i-i-i-ide". Really. What did her husband-to-be say when Liza ran down the order of service? Very intriguing.
Finally, my tip for next year's Most Intriguing list: Janawar Afghanistan. This small town in the northwest corner of the war-ravaged nation could be generating a lot of buzz just because it sounds like Jennifer Aniston. You read it here first.
Not once since I came to FR have I seen an article posted here from that imbecile magazine, thank goodness.
As for Julia Roberts, the woman gives me hives just to look at her. The idea of coming into contact with her repulses me. Her smile reminds me of a racoon with peanut butter stuck to the top of it's mouth, so that it's lips are pulled back to reveal all it's teeth. And that yapping sound she makes when she thinks something is funny is positively disgusting.
I have never understood the premise of Pretty Woman, or should I say why it appeals to women. Do they all see themselves as hookers laying in wait for that one rich John to come along? Frankly I think far more of my wife than to think of her as a hooker, but she loves this movie. She's certainly not alone. Most women I know love it. It's one of their favorites. Sorry ladies, it's lost on me.
I started off this column thinking Steyn had at last written a boring 'loser'. I ended up rolling on the floor with laughter, screaming, "Stop! Stop!! I just can't take it any more!"
The Master has once again proven he can make a fantastic something out of nothing!
Wow. A prize in every paragraph.
But...but...but...she's America's Sweetheart!
Was there ever a year that wasn't "turbulent on the romantic front" for Julia?
That's what I was thinking. Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, et al., all strike me as being dumb as a bag of rocks.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.