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And one of my personal favorites: Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 14:53:28 -0800 (PST)

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired. However, he is currently suing the Lotus / Word Perfect Company for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Nothing."
Nothing?"
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office lights are off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f****n' stupid to own a computer."

I ran across this one just tonight on a liberal website:

California Driving Rules

The basic principles for driving in the State of California are as follows:

When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the car pool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.
If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.
The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.
If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially = applicable in parking lots.
Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.
Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.
While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
Every lane is the suicide lane.
Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.
During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.
If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.
For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest.
To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a mid life crisis.
If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.
If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the Reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.
Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!
Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.
Never car pool.
Take full advantage of your right to u-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.
In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.
While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club on your steering wheel.
On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane

Here's two more.

German penises 'too small for EU condoms' http://www.FreeRepublic.com/forum/a3b5e54bd0ea7.htm

News Keywords: EU,SOCIALISM
Source: Ananova Published: 24th July 2001
Posted by Zadokite

Germany has demanded a rethink on EU guidelines on condom size after finding its average penis did not measure up. Doctors around Essen were ordered by the government's health department to check out the average size suggested by Brussels. They reported the EU has overestimated the size of the average penis by almost 20% and insist other countries will discover the same.

Urologist Gunther Hagler, head of the team compiling the research, said: "By checking hundreds of patients we found German penises were too small for standard EU condoms. "On average they were 14.48 cms long and 3.95 cms wide. That makes them much smaller than the EU standard condom size of 17 cms in length and 5.6 cms in width."

He denied the German man was any smaller than the rest of Europe, adding: "We think the EU has got its sums wrong, and if other countries were to check out their men's assets they would find the EU has made a mistake in its calculations.

"There should be a rethink and the EU statisticians should check their figures again. After all, they have also ruled EU standard condoms should be able to hold 18 litres of fluid without breaking, which also seems a bit excessive."

Posted by Zadokite

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Blind man sparks gun permit debate

Source: Lansing State Journal
Published: 18 October 2001 Author: staff
Posted by 45Auto

David Gordon believes he meets all the requirements to be granted a Michigan concealed weapons permit, even if he is blind. The Portage man is over the age of 21, he has completed a gun-safety course and doesn't have a criminal record or history of mental illness.

Gordon's application for a concealed weapons permit in Kalamazoo County has touched off debate over the rights of the blind to carry guns. Michigan's law does not specifically exclude people with disabilities or include any shooting accuracy requirements. Gordon said he is not an activist for gun rights, but he has been mugged twice - once at gunpoint - and knew a blind man who was beaten in the late 1980s.

"I've been in situations where I've experienced fear. I have the right to protect myself if I'm in danger," said Gordon, 52, who has been certified by a veteran gun instructor.

County gun board members are expected to consider Gordon's application on Oct. 24. "On the surface of it, I think it's highly unlikely Gordon will receive a permit," said gun board Chairman Phillip Reames, a firearms instructor.

Reames said Gordon would probably fall under a section of the law denying permits to those considered a danger to themselves or others. The gun board plans to discuss the application with Gordon. Gun rights advocates say Gordon deserves to be treated like anyone else.

But Joy Livingston, president of the Southwest Michigan Million Mom March/Brady Campaign, argued it's an issue of public safety overriding individual rights.

But Joy Livingston, Idiot president of the Southwest Michigan Million Mom March/Brady Campaign, argued it's an issue of public safety overriding individual rights.

Wrong, as usual. Of course, that's what the bastids would like to see; arbitrary laws that cite ANY reason to override the 2nd for everyone. I can see some irony in this if Mr. Gordon sues over not getting his permit and using the libs Americans with Disabilities Act to cite "prejudice" against the handicapped!

posted by 45Auto