Posted on 01/01/2002 12:07:51 AM PST by sweetliberty
Vanity with a purpose: FReepers, post some of the funniest stuff you've run across this past year for some big laughs to start the new year!
There are a few on this list that are real good comebacks for liberals!
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Tenn.), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Tennessean said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Tennessee. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2, 3, 4, 5 . . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This medical procedure also works in Alabama, Virginia, West Virginia and Kentucky and Arkansas and is sure to be a great success in Palm Beach County Florida.
You know it's time to turn your computer off and read a book when:
Jaunt-tu?
LOL! And he thought this was a problem? Hehehe. Actually, the biggest problem its caused me is remembering to use an online friend's given name when meeting them in person!
Oh, that is too funny. I'm sure as time goes on there will be more of these " funnys " too tell. Thanks for that laugh, I needed that. :):)
You know your from Wisconsin when:
You might be from North Dakota if:
You know you've been on the computer too much when you get a letter from your doctor like this:
Horace Duhnno
12 Connect Street
Webville, OH 24487
Dear Mr. Duhnno,
Upon reviewing the test results and x-rays regarding your symptoms discussed during your examination on 5/18/99, I have been able to determine the cause and treatment for each of your symptoms as follows:
The inability to straighten the fingers on your right hand is not the result of the work related accident in March. The x-rays reveal the same curvature in the bone structure that is associated with holding your mouse. Please use the keyboard and function keys for a period of at least 7 days, allowing the muscles and tendons to heal.
The results of the blood work has revealed the cause of your stomach disorder is styrafoam consumption. Although this is a expeditious and effortless way of eating, please avoid over heating this material to prevent consumption of the product.
The culture we did on your urinary system has confirmed that the repeated infections are the result of failure to relieve yourself as we discussed. Please excuse yourself from the chat room and frequent the bath room when necessary. If the antiseptic cream is not healing the zipper injury you experienced during your hasty return to the computer, please contact the office for a different medication.
Please adhere to the diet we provided. The meals consisting of potato chips, pizza, and coffee have your potassium level high and we "must" get it under control with proper dieting.
The examination of your eyes and the MRI revealed no causes for the headaches. After giving great thought to your lengthy conversation about your friends and time spent in the chat rooms, might I recommend that you reduce the 6 - 7 hours of chatting per day to a lesser amount of time. This should eliminate the visual strain and stress headaches.
As a treatment for your depression, you might consider establishing more than one email address to provide the volume of incoming messages you seem to be seeking. Also, establishing an ICQ account would provide you another means of instant messaging and increase your "buddy list".
As suspected, the tenderness in your abdomen is a hernia resulting from carrying your computer to technical support and will require immediate surgery. We have scheduled admittance on 6/2/99. As per your request, I have contacted the hospital and am sorry to report that they have no facilities available for internet connection in the recovery nor private rooms. Therefore, it appears that the megafire wireless access will be necessary in order for you access the chat rooms during your hospital stay. Also, public relations has advised they are unable to fulfill your request to notify your "buddy list" once the surgery is complete. Nurse Forshey feels that is a request beyond their capabilities and extends her apology.
The hospital and my staff will be contacting you for additional information necessary for your surgery, so please have your phone line cleared and be prepared to accept incoming calls between 3:00 pm - 4:00 pm tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Dr. J. T. Gates, M.D.
Just the picture of that scene is hillarious.. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that. I have copied the post and am sending it to all on my email list. Thanks :):):)
A small, rural Arkansas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.