Topsy-turvy Turbans Ruled Out By Mullah Omar

news.telegraph.co.uk ^ | 22 Nov 2001 | Alex Spillius

[AdrianZ]

Topsy-turvy turbans ruled out by Omar

By Alex Spillius

(Filed: 22/11/2001)

IN a typically eccentric rallying cry to his Taliban forces, Mullah Mohammed Omar has issued an edict to his officials and soldiers demanding that they wear their turbans straight.

Turbans, which the Taliban require all men to wear or face a beating, are not be worn to one side or too far back, he ruled. To do so is "vulgar and un-Islamic".

The 42-year-old spiritual leader of the fanatical Islamic movement issued the notice after receiving reports that topsy-turvy turbans were becoming commonplace, said officials at Spin Boldak, a town in Taliban-held Afghanistan a few miles across the border from Pakistan.

The notice is posted on a board at a branch of the foreign ministry and all other government offices.

It is written in Pashtu, his native language, and signed personally, "Mullah Mohammed Omar, Amir-ul-momineen", or king of all believers.

It declares: "You should strictly adopt the Islamic law of the Prophet Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him, in every aspect of life including dress, especially the turban. Wearing the turban crooked is not acceptable to the sunnah (laws on dress and demeanour). For 1,400 years we have been wearing beard and turbans. Some people say these are new things but it is not true."

The edict is typical of the leader's sometimes eccentric but always authoritarian Islamic zeal.

His notorious bans on leather jackets, white paper bags (in case they were made with pages of the Koran), music and kite-flying still apply in provinces under Taliban control.

Mullah Omar, who founded the Taliban, or students, in 1993, has always held complete command over the militia by a mixture of erratic, quasi-mystical announcements, unwillingness to compromise and his credibility as a man of stringent faith.

[EggsAckley]

Why anyone would follow this one-eyed,
illiterate moron defies logic.

[BansheeBill]

I think that some of the Mullah's homies in the Taleban were just trying do do some styling by wearing their turbans with the "gansta lean".

Makes it easier to pick up the hot Taleban groupie chicks.

[WilliamWallace1999]

Sounds like flashbacks of Hitler in the Berlin Bunker. This guy is WAAAAAAY out there man.

[Mike Darancette]

IN a typically eccentric rallying cry to his Taliban forces, Mullah Mohammed Omar has issued an edict to his officials and soldiers demanding that they wear their turbans straight.

Arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

[LurkedLongEnough]

Aw, come on and let them wear their turbans topsy-turvy. After all, it helps in covering the bullet holes.

[PA Engineer]

What does he expect a turban to look like after a B52 run?

[Dog]

ROFLMAO!!

My thoughts exactly...

[Happygal]

Gee the Taliban have been reduced to becoming the fashion police!

[JZoback]

white paper bags (in case they were made with pages of the Koran)

Wonder what color their toliet paper is.

Oh' that right nevermind, that's what the diaper on their heads are for.

[JZoback]

Why anyone would follow this one-eyed, illiterate moron defies logic.

In the kingdom of the blind (and dumb), the one-eyed man is King.

Oops, I mean King of all believers

[Random Access]

If turbans had bills, the really cool dudes with attitude, would wear them facing backwards. No bills has got to be frustrating for the terminally slack-jawed Afghan teens.

[yazd]

(Captain Queeg removes the steel balls from his pocket and he spins them in his palm insistently as he speaks.)

Queeg: No, I, I don't see any need of that. Now that I recall, he might have said something about messboys and then again he might not -- I questioned so many men and Harding was not the most reliable officer.

Lt. Greenwald (Jose Ferrer): I'm afraid the defense has no other recourse than to produce Lt. Harding.

Queeg: Now there's no need for that I know exactly what he'll tell you. Lies! He was no different than any officer in the wardroom -- they were all disloyal, I tried to run the ship properly by the book but they fought me at every turn. If the crew wanted to walk around with their shirttails hanging out that's all right let them take the tow line. Defective equipment no more no less, but they encouraged the crew to go around scoffing at me and spreading wild rumors about steaming and circles. And then old yellow stain. I was to blame for Lt. Merrick's incompetence and poor seamanship. Lt. Merrick was the perfect officer but not Captain Queeg.

Ah, but the strawberries! That's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist! And I'd have produced that key if they hadn't pulled Caine out of action! I-I-I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer and!......(realizes he has been ranting, babbling)

Naturally, I can only cover these things from memory if I've left anything out, why, just ask me specific questions and I'll be glad to answer them...one-by-one...

[EggsAckley]

LOL @ Harley!

[IronJack]

The notice follows recent proclamations by Mullah Omar in which he condemned the practice of playing the nose harp, mating with kangaroos, and use of the diphthong "sh." Last week, in a "vision," he reported that Allah had instructed Muslims to wear their BVDs over their heads, using the legholes for their eyes and the fly for a breathing slot. He also ordered that all animals be dressed in burqas so as to "avoid the enticement of a finely turned hoof." He then jumped naked on a pogo stick and began to sing "Mairzy Doats and Doazy Doats" in Pashtu and breaking crockery over his head.

[isthisnickcool]

Hack! Hack! You made me spit up some turkey! LOL!

[JRandomFreeper]

f playing the nose harp, mating with kangaroos, and use of the diphthong "sh."

Just a few of my favorite things...

/john

[D-fendr]

Dear most reverend Mullah Mohammed Omar,

Beg to have your pardon, but is not turban that is on un-straight.

Is my head.

[VietVet]

"Why anyone would follow this one-eyed, illiterate moron defies logic."

It would seem, in that part of the world, madness imparts a certain charisma. Consider Saddam Hussein and the Ayatolla Khomeini.