Daily Spin: U.S. Bombs Hitting Mostly Puppies

November 1, 2001 | Nick Danger

[Nick Danger]

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	©2001 Degenerate Propaganda Media, Inc.	November 1, 2001

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War Bogged Down in Mistakes, Casualties Bombs Hitting Mostly Puppies and Baby Seals, Reporters Say. Taliban Fights On!

Poll: Public Support for Military Efforts Declining Rapidly Media Revels in Progress So Far

ATLANTA - Antiwar activists posing as news reporters have begun a spirited campaign to convince the American public that weeks of U.S. military strikes on Afghanistan have caused no casualties at all among the Taliban, who remain undaunted in the face of America's ineffectual bombs and missiles. "Most of this so-called precision ordnance is falling on helpless puppies and baby seals," said Christiane Arnett, CNN war correspondent. "The American people should be ashamed of what their government is doing." CBS News issued a statement yesterday condemning the needless slaughter of innocent baby seals by the Bush Administration. "It puzzles this reporter that the American military seems to delight in killing babies and cute little animals," 'Gunga' Dan Blather told a nationwide television audience. "While we don't wish to undermine our nation's anti-terrorist activities, our commitment to impartial coverage of these events requires that we balance the Pentagon's war mongering with live coverage of actual Taliban propaganda. To demonstrate our fairness, we no longer even mention the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Those events are history. Our role now is to concentrate on the U.S. military's wanton attacks on crucial baby milk factories, and the killing of innocent civilians, mostly women and children." Blather said. Media: Gore Would Have Made Better Commander-in-Chief And besides.... he won NEW YORK - Newspaper and television reporters demonstrated today that they still have not given up trying to make Al Gore president. With President Bush at a 94% approval rating, and the country at war and under imminent threat of terrorist attack, America's bi-partisan media Democrats began trotting out the usual academic liberals to try to sell the idea that the country would be better off in the current crisis if Al Gore were in the White House. "I think our policy toward terrorists would be much more sensitive to global warming if Gore were in charge," said one professor. "The terrorist attacks would never have happened if Dingel-Norwood had been signed into law," said a second professor. "Besides it's all our fault anyway, and Al Gore knows that," she added. Katie Couric of NBC News, quoting Jeff Toobin of ABC News , who probably got the idea from CBS News, said that, "The wrong man was inaugurated on January 20th 2001 and this is no small thing in our nation's history." The media's attempts to undermine the Bush presidency in time of war are indicative of their strong sense of fairness and responsibility to the American people.

WASHINGTON - The American news media's efforts to demoralize the American public and undermine confidence in U.S. armed forces are beginning to bear fruit, according to a poll released today. "We're delighted to see that support for the war against terrorism is beginning to crumble," said Michael Mouser, chairman of Disney Corp., which owns ABC News. "Today it's only a trickle, but I believe that if we continue to pound away with the Taliban's side of the story, that trickle can turn into a river of discontent. " "We want Americans to view every packet of sugar as a potential new case of anthrax," said Bryant Gumball. "Over time, we're confident that we can destroy the public's confidence in its leaders and instill so much fear that the public will welcome a Taliban victory." The news media views its role as a defender of the downtrodden Taliban, whose invincible military might has so far stymied U.S. attempts to shoot them. The U.S. has been forced to settle for blowing them up instead. Anthrax Hysteria Limited to Reporters, Commentators WASHINGTON - Efforts by the media to scare the bejeezus out of practically everyone are falling on deaf ears, according to pollsters. "Americans are concerned, but not fearful," about the risks of contracting anthrax, said pollster Hopalong Gallup. "People have stopped freaking out every time someone spills salt on the table," said John Al-Zogby. "I guess it's not going to work," said Bryant Gumball. 46 per cent of Americans now think that the media is exaggerating the situation, up 12 points since last week. Asked what a reporter should do if a large red lesion appears on his arm, 73% of Americans think he should "let it take its course." 17% think the reporter should take two aspirins and write another story about the deaths of innocent civilians in Afghanistan. 8% answered "don't care." Navy Scraps Plans for New Destroyer Will build new destroyer instead NEW YORK - Depending on which newspaper you read, the Navy has either scrapped plans to build the DD-21 Land Attack Destroyer, or it has decided to go ahead with its plan to build a new generation destroyer called the DD-21. The confusion over the matter seems to be a by-product of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's new policy of leaking contradictory stories to multiple news agencies. "If they want leaks, then by God we're going to give them leaks," chortled Rumsfeld. Bloomberg, which printed the story saying the new ship would be built, and the Wall Street Journal, which printed the story saying it had been scrapped, are rival news providers to the financial sector.  Rumsfeld stated that AP and Reuters would be targeted next.

[1Old Pro]

Peta must be very upset. However, the real crime here is the obvious environmental damage, the damage to the limited wetlands, and most importantly, the writing of threats on the bombs carried by our planes. This is simply unacceptable as it may hurt the self-esteem of the Taliban.

[Frumanchu]

Outstanding! BUMP

[Blood of Tyrants]

You mean we missed the baby milk factory?

[Republic of Texas]

Thank God we didn't hit any paralyzed, homosexual, black/hispanic welfare babies!

[Interesting Times]

Meanwhile, back at the Ministry of Truth...

Nicely done.

[mykdsmom]

Priceless Bump.

MKM

[SoDak]

hehehehehe....thanks for the top-of-the-morning laughs. It's only funny cuz it's true.

[lavrenti]

Heard we bombed the Sanrio factory in Kabul, destroying countless thousands of Hello Kitty product. We are such an evil!

[JoeGar]

Better than The Onion!

[general_re]

Evil? That's a freaking service to humanity. Any airman participating in such a noble action should be given the highest commendations.

[eureka!]

Nice to see the Spin Times back in e-print Nick. It would be really funny were it not so true. Oh, I loathe the pressholes, clymers and presstitutes.

John-this is worthy of your ping list, IMHO....

[hoot2]

Masterpiece....

thank you

[Silly]

Great job, Nick.

[lavrenti]

Now, if they can only take out the Herat printing plant that does all those Precious Moments cards...

[Charles Martel]

"If they want leaks, then by God we're going to give them leaks," chortled Rumsfeld.

Oh, that's classic. I hope that our SecDef gets to see this; I bet it'd make him smile. Maybe even chortle. :-)

[BlueLancer]

"Bombs Hitting Mostly Puppies and Baby Seals, Reporters Say."

But what about the MOOSES? And the UNDERCOVER POLISH POLAR BEARS? It's obviously a CONSPIRACY on the part of the reporters to coverup the tremendous losses being suffered by the Afghani MOOSE POPULATION!

For the FULL STORY, join "MOOSE FINDERS"! Be an MF'er today!

[alpowolf]

I thought I was reading the Washington ComPost for a moment there...

[spald]

This is great, NickDanger. Maybe next issue you could include an item about the Paula Zahn over at the Clinton News Network. You see her lately? The CNN camera is not as kind to her face as the FOX camera (intended for foxes?). She's looking old, tired and drawn (just like her political philosophy).

[dighton]

Heard we bombed the Sanrio factory in Kabul, destroying countless thousands of Hello Kitty product.

Serve them right.

Elite Taliban Hello Kitty regiment