Posted on 09/29/2001 6:47:22 AM PDT by Cagey
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
And they're also fitted with 90 decibel beepers that go off once a second. STILL, no one can find the damned thing except for the hero, who used to beat the out of the bad guy, but nowadays only figures out the bomb's location after making some wildly counter-intuitive leap of logic.
Did you know that real dogfighting is done in formation at speeds under 300kts, and not at distances of .5-1-2 miles apart, and that once you get a lock, dammit, thats it, the sucker is going down?
Did you know that if your section leader flakes out, it means that YOU, former notorious flake, earn a ticket to TopGun?
Did you know that Tomcat engines (TF-30's) only flamed out in turbulent jet wash air, and not calm, cool, NORMAL air?
Did you know that if you paint an F-5 black, it will pull sustained G-loads better than an F-14?
I could go on forever, but I didnt know any of these things until I saw TopGun the movie.
Also: Most folks seem to be able to out run an automobile for several blocks, then eventually the automobile overruns them (not runs over).
Did you know that you could buzz the tower without clearance and not get an instant FNAEB?
True story: I was on wheels-watch at El Toro when the CO of VMA-311 planted an A-4M on the runway, having missed only one teensy-weensy item on the checklist...
"Gear down and locked."
I had hit the waveoff lights, shouted, "GEAR! GEAR! GEAR! POWER POWER!" on the radio, and fired the flares.
He pancaked the sucker down onto the runway.
At the FNAEB and the Board of Inquiry, he insisted that he hadn't heard my warning because of the horn going off in the cockpit. (It was, of course, the "Gear Up" warning horn.)
Three years later, I was boarding a Delta flight to go home on leave. The pilot was none other than our hero...
I asked him, in front of God and everyone in first class, "Yo, sport, you going to remember to lower the landing gear this time?"
Why was everyone staring at me as I went back to my seat?
Exactly, and if a CEO of a large corporation says more than one line in a movie then he is definitely a murderous, crooked thug...the arch vilian of the movie.
Exactly, and if a CEO of a large corporation says more than one line in a movie then he is definitely a murderous, crooked thug...the arch vilian of the movie.
Exactly, and if a CEO of a large corporation says more than one line in a movie then he is definitely a murderous, crooked thug...the arch vilian of the movie.
I'm going to Delta too, sport.
However, the 777 will yell at you if you forget the gear. Hell, that thing will yell at you if you forget to pluck your nose hair.
Eventually, the 777 will say, "Keep your cotton-pickin' hands offa the controls on final, buddy, you planted me WAY too hard last week at LAX."
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