Posted on 09/29/2001 6:47:22 AM PDT by Cagey
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
Also, car explosions always, always, always happen when one person is standing just out of blast range to witness it. Usually they will have just realized, one second too late, that there is a bomb in the car and yelled "Noooooo!!!!" just before the blast.
And speaking of cars, people who have jumped/been pushed from a tall building to their deaths will land on a parked vehicle, dramatically crushing the roof.
and Bruce Willis running around shooting people... be still my heart.
And the aim of such falling bodies is always dead center - absolute 10-ring accuracy. - or course their is always acceptable alternative - the falling body will center itself on the glass ceiling of the restaurant below, often landing on the piano or the ornamental fountain.
Or when they're driven off the road.
Or has to go to the bathroom first.
And if the hero has a daughter she will be kidnapped.
How about: 'Police chiefs are selected by their ability to fly off the handle and yell at their best cops and detectives on the force.'
"That man had rights, Callahan!!!"
Bad guys land on spiked, ornamental wrought iron fences.
Good guys land on a passing box-bed truck hauling a pile of Goodwill clothes.
Comical sidekicks land on wedding cakes or the champagne tree. (Wedding cakes are always placed at one end of a table so that a body falling on the other end will catapult it into the air by lever-action)
Unless, she is wearing 3 inch heels whereby she takes one of them off and beans the bad guy with it. Flats are only used to kill bugs on sit coms.
Unless the good guy is Bruce Willis or Mel Gibson ...
Also:
In any group of bad guys, at least one will be totally bald, one will have long stringy, usually blond, hair, their leader has an accent.
The smart one is usually black and probably knows what's wrong with the plot - that's a carry over from the "all chief's of detectives are black / all detective captains yell at their best detectives" dicta.
And,
The gayest looking guy in the movie is usually surrounded by women.
Two magazines of 45acp will throw a man 25' through the air.
All snipers shoot for the scope on the villians rifle, thus insuring a head shot in the right eye, no matter what the range.
Its a good idea to put a large, high powered optical system on a 9mm submachine-gun.
The perferred place to carry your machinegun or rocket launcher is in a guitar case.
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