Posted on 04/03/2024 10:25:29 AM PDT by Drew68
Three months ago, Celine and her best friend, Natalie* were both laid off from the same ad agency. No longer able to afford her $3,200 rent in Brooklyn, Celine was forced to move back into her parents’ house in the suburbs. “I’m still reeling, my whole life was flipped on its head,” the 29-year-old says.
The only thing more humiliating than getting fired and packing up your adult existence into your teenage bedroom? Seeing your best friend survive the same brutal layoff and emerge unscathed. “I love Natalie but she didn’t have to lift a finger because her husband is a wealth manager and makes bank,” Celine says. “While I was struggling to get out of my apartment break clause, she went on a week-long yoga retreat to recover from the bad news.”
After a four-year string of unsuccessful situationships, the former ad exec is happy to be on her own for a while, but nothing hits her harder than the financial disparity between her and her partnered friends. “Even when I was employed, I couldn’t afford to vacay in Cuba or jet off to Malawi on a whim,” she adds. “It’s awkward to explain that to someone who has two incomes funding their vacation.”
Celine is hardly alone in feeling the financial pressure of being uncoupled; it’s a widely known and yet ignored fact that the cost of living is higher for single people than it is in two-person households. And this wealth difference, dubbed the singles tax, is only widening with inflation.
In 2010, the median net worth of 25- to 34-year-old married couples was four times that of single households, per the Federal Reserve Bank. By 2019, the difference was nearly nine times. The disparity is more timely than ever as the single population grows; according to the U.S. Census Bureau, 46% of the country’s population over 18 is unmarried, divorced, or widowed.
From Social Security windfalls to potential tax breaks and beyond, it’s often simply more affordable to be one half of a pair. In fact, a 2023 survey of singles and coupled adults by Forbes Advisor found that one-third had stayed in a relationship longer to reap the financial benefits, while 93% of singles feel financially burdened by their relationship status.
The data makes sense, but the wealth difference between single and partnered friends can still creep up on you. For Celine and Natalie, it began as resentment and bubbled into an aggressive confrontation over texts after a series of canceled plans.
“I got tired of the constant jabs about not taking the train down to NYC to have cocktails with them or show up at an impromptu club night,” Celine says. A $48 round-trip train ticket plus a few rounds of drinks add up to about $120 a night, which isn’t feasible for her. “But I hadn’t said anything about the financial pressure before, so when it finally came out, it happened all wrong. She thought I hated her husband or was jealous, when that’s far from it,” she says.
The duo haven’t spoken since the argument. It took courage for the former ad exec to open up to her friend about her financial vulnerability, and the accusation of being jealous of her happy relationship made Celine feel betrayed. In popular culture (take Blair and Serena in Gossip Girl, for example) when a friendship between a single and coupled person suffers, it’s often pinned on envy. Society often tends to look at singles with pity, as if they’ve yet to fulfill an essential goal.
Against this backdrop, it can be easier to assume that a friendship fell apart because the single person was resentful. “It’s never easy to talk about money, so if someone’s expressing their struggles, don’t be dismissive because it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for you. Even if it isn’t your lived reality, approach the conversation with empathy,” says Jenny van Hooff, Ph.D., a sociologist specializing in romantic relationships and female friendships.
Addressing the singles tax effect on a friendship can be difficult. Gaia*, 27, is single and works as an au pair. She pays $3,100 for rent and utilities in Philadelphia every month. If she could split those costs with a partner, she'd save nearly $19,000 a year, a huge chunk of her income.
The au pair often spends her weekends with her best friends, a couple who run a business together. The trio met in college when they could afford the same restaurants and vacations. Recently, however, Gaia finds it hard to keep up with their expensive tastes. “They both know this and insist on picking up the bill, often joking about how they’re the parents and I’m the runaway child,” she says.
In the past two months, they’ve covered two karaoke nights, a formal dinner, and a spontaneous road trip for Gaia, totaling upward of $450. While she knows her friends’ intention is to lessen the distance between them, the constant gestures and jokes only make her feel smaller. “This is a blip in the radar for them because their combined income is much higher than mine, and I’m not ungrateful but I don’t like feeling indebted to my friends,” she says.
Most often, people develop friendships over a shared interest; for Gaia and her pals, it was a love for food and travel. But when their evolving finances threatened these common threads, her friends responded by bridging the gap with money. While superficially, their dynamic looks the same, it hollowed out Gaia’s self-esteem, making her feel like she wasn’t bringing enough to an otherwise healthy relationship.
As friendship coach and the author of Fighting for our Friendships, Danielle Bayard Jackson says, “If brunch dates were once your thing, don’t assume that it has to be for your friendship to work. Check in with your friend to see if their circumstances have changed and [if needed], suggest an alternative plan that’s lighter on the pocket.”
Although a relationship may begin because of a shared experience, for the dynamic to be sustainable, it’s important that both individuals feel equal, and often this equality extends beyond emotional intimacy and effort into monetary contributions.
The singles tax also creates tension for partnered people. Sydney*, 26, moved in with her girlfriend in Chicago eight months ago and has since saved $7,200 in rent alone. Previously, she was paying $2,900 a month to live with roommates and now she splits a $4,000-per-month apartment with her partner. The extra money became discretionary income for Sydney, and she’s since bought a shiny bag from Dior, three limited-edition Stanley cups, a Carhartt jacket for her girlfriend, and a wine club membership.
However, she’s hidden most of these purchases from her childhood friend who has a similar wish list that remains unfulfilled due to the singles tax. “Recently I asked my friend to join me at a sample sale and she half-jokingly said that she can’t afford new shoes every month because she still pays her whole rent,” Sydney says, adding that she feels guilty for her newfound privilege.
To avoid throwing this financial freedom in her friend’s face, Sydney decided it’s best to keep her little luxuries a secret. This kind of secrecy can create tension, says Bayard Jackson. “For so long, people have been ashamed to talk about their financial situations. But for a friendship to work, both the single and partnered friend need to speak about money and how it affects them more openly,” she says.
While there’s no simple fix — the cost of living will still be higher for singles, financial reforms will likely favor couples, and honest conversations can’t magically eliminate jealousy, guilt, or awkwardness — just addressing that the singles tax exists and may impact your friendships can go a long way. It makes both the partnered and unpartnered pal feel more safe in their position, knowing that they can express when they’re feeling financially stretched or restricted. While wealth gaps can be complicated, they don’t have to be a deal-breaker in your friendship — after all, some bonds are priceless.
*Name has been changed.
A fancy Millennial/Zoomer word for what we used to call boyfriend/girlfriend.
[“I’m still reeling, my whole life was flipped on its head,” the 29-year-old says.]
Welcome to the club, honey. 2008 for me.
Oh yeah, nobody was worried about me, either.
You’re lucky to have your parents. Be good to them.
[I KNOW WHERE SOMETHING IS BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE HOUSE]
Thank you. LOL
American women are so messed up. Thanks to decades of ‘girl power’ feminism telling them to hate men and to not have kids.
Randi Oakes? I’ll be in a cab outside the airport.
Hurry. The meter’s running.
*** Today, many young people are saturated with “influencer” culture and believe that “luxury lifestyles” should not only be attainable, but that they’re entitled to live them.***
This is it in a nutshell. It took us 25 years to afford the home of our dreams. These kids want new everything right out of the box.
We’ve taken modest vacations, and only when we could afford it. I’ve never been to Europe, just Canada and Mexico, and both before you needed a passport to get there. My husband has traveled the globe for work trips several times. There was always a house to maintain, kids in school, and pets that needed care, so somebody had to hold down the fort, even if we could’ve afforded the airfare a time or two.
This younger generation seems to be born with silver spoons in their mouths, and when they don’t have it, because of social media, they think they are missing out if they don’t indulge themselves constantly.
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
While this sounds incredibly difficult for this woman, imagine how much worse it would be to be a stay-at-home mom with a husband who loves and provides for her. She would be expected to cook and clean and would also have a pile of kids to nurture and love.
That was the living hell that young women had to live with back in the 50’s.
Thank goodness those days are over and women are now free to live with their parents until they die. Then they can inherit the house and live by themselves with their 10 cats.
Freedom!
/sarc
These people live in leftist hellholes and wonder why they’re so poor. Paying $3200 or $3100 a month for rent is insane. I pay less than $1500 a month for the mortgage on my house and I have three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and an oversize two car garage. And I bought my house brand new a little over eight years ago. $3200 a month would pay for pretty much all my living expenses, including food and vehicle costs.
Yeah, we were riding high in 2007, followed by twelve years of intense struggle.
It’s not a “singles tax”. It’s a “I’m not married to a rich guy like my friend” tax. Plenty of women married to average guys can’t afford to do those things either. Her friend could shake off the job loss because she has a rich husband. She should have found one too instead of devaluing herself in “situationships” with boy toys.
She needs to find a guy that gives good wallet.
Yes. I had three strands 20 years ago.
Now, it’s almost just me.
I don't ask, "Where is [item]?" I ask, "Where is [item] TODAY?"
It has never ceased for me.
I just need one rich woman.
Maybe 2. Or 3. LOLOLOL
“After a four-year string of unsuccessful situationships, the former ad exec is happy to be on her own for a while, but nothing hits her harder than the financial disparity between her and her partnered friends. “Even when I was employed, I couldn’t afford to vacay in Cuba or jet off to Malawi on a whim,” she adds. “It’s awkward to explain that to someone who has two incomes funding their vacation.””
First world problems. I’ve been out of work for 9 months now, and I am the sole provider for a family, don’t talk to me about the “single tax”. Brats.
Yeah, but you don't get to take the train down to NYC to have cocktails or show up at an impromptu club night.
The “Singles Tax” seems more like a “Stupid Tax”.
The idea of taking public transportation is appalling to me, to say the least. Not to mention, I have zero interest in cocktails or showing up at an impromptu club night. Being out in nature appeals to me much more.
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