Posted on 06/10/2012 4:46:21 AM PDT by Kaslin
I love Miami. Many of my conservative buddies can’t figure out why I moved here or why I stay. I remind them quite often that Miami does have its perks:
- The weather during the late fall through early spring is dreamy.
- It’s green and gorgeous all year round as opposed to your brown town.
- Lincoln Road and Ocean Drive are two of the best zoos in the world. You’ll see more freaky critters on those two avenues than you will at the most exotic zoo in Dubai.
- The Atlantic Ocean down here is stunning, and we have first-class beaches.
- We have superlative sport fishing—and I have the pictures to prove it.
- And there’s never a dull moment during any state or national election.
My pals come back at me with stuff like:
- It’s stupid hot down there in the summer.
- It’s expensive to live in SoFla.
- It’s vice-laden.
- The Marlins and the Dolphins suck. Yeah? But what about the Heat?
- Honkies are in the minority. You’d better get used to “se habla español” or you’re “se habla” screwed.
- Miami has the worst traffic known to mankind.
- Hurricanes use Florida as a hacky sack before they fish slap the rest of the 57 states, as Obama calls them.
- And it’s the first place where zombies have manifested in this pre-apocalyptic time period.
Look, I can stomach the heat, hurricanes, congested highways and the perennial pusillanimous Dolphins, but they’ve got a point with the zombies. Zombies … you’ve got to go.
Most folks are now familiar with Miami’s 2012 Memorial Day flesh eater, Rudy Eugene, who, high on bath salts, chewed the face off a 65-year-old homeless dude in broad daylight on the MacArthur Causeway. It took six rounds from an officer to take him down.
Last Saturday (6/2/12) we had another wannabe zombie. During an altercation at a Boston Market, Brandon De Leon told a Miami Dade policeman to “eff off,” violently resisted arrest and threatened to “eat” the cop just before he got tased and muzzled. Toxicology reports showed that the wannabe zombie was tripping on “Cloud 9,” a type of bath salts, plus Xanax and ganja, and his blood-alcohol level was a hefty 0.29.
Y’know, bullet manufacturer Steve Hornady might have developed a zombie product line of cartridges as a goof and a homage to his love for zombie flicks, but given these two twisted crimes he might have stumbled onto something.
Now, before lathered-up critics start laughing at the thought that I think the undead are a legit concern for us mortals to arm ourselves against, let me allay any fears and squelch that notion straight away. I don’t believe zombies are real, okay?
That said, when young adults move from drinking a Bud Light and minding their own business to snorting Calgon and eating human flesh, zombie or not … Houston, we have a problem. Apparently, now we can’t stroll MacArthur Causeway or go to Boston Market for a chicken pot pie with a side of garlicky lemon spinach without some Slingblade trying to eat our face.
Given the supernatural strength and hallucinations this new drug from hell spawns I’m steppin’ it up a notch in what I’m carrying on my person and what I’m loaded with in my house.
For personal defense I think I’ll rock it old school with an S&W 29 .44 Magnum with a 6.5-inch barrel. Not the most concealable, but OMG is she gorgeous when drawn.
My load of choice? Well, I’ve seen over and over what Barnes’ X-Bullets do to animals when hunting in the field, so I think I’ll chamber my S&W with Barnes’ XPB FBs in the 225 gr. option. I doubt the criminal cranking on Bed, Bath & Beyond’s best could take one of these to the vitals and continue to feel invincible. Indeed, they create quite the terminal wound channel; it’s about the size of your fist (FYI zombies).
For home defense I’m going to stick with the ultimate zombie zapper, the 12-gauge pump riot gun stuffed to the hilt with three-inch yummy magnums. Man, oh man. Is this a zombie stopper, or what? I won’t tell you what I intend to do with these sweeties at the house … that’ll be just for me and the zombie dumb enough to cross the sacred threshold of my dwelling.
As for all these various self-defense scenarios my family might encounter, we will practice, practice, practice double tapping center mass at the target range at different angles and in different situations until we become zombie flawless. Yes, practice makes perfect, and I want my kin to get to a place where we don’t care if someone is straight tripping on Herbal Essence’s finest; it will be hard for him to eat our cheek meat with a fist-sized wound channel through his heart and one through his lungs.
In Doug’s world the innocent person should live and the attacking bath salt zombie should die.
Apocalypse Wow!
How did they ever become known as ‘bath salts’?
That said, when young adults move from drinking a Bud Light and minding their own business to snorting Calgon and eating human flesh, zombie or not
Jeez...now you’ve got me wiping coffee off the screen.
Somebody Magnaported my 629, before cutting it back to 4”. It’s VERY accurate, BTW. It’s more concealable than the longer barrels.
Zombies, however, must BE SHOT IN THE HEAD. The Florida face-eater was no exception. Decent penetration is what you want. I use 250 gr Lyman gas checked slugs in mine. Fahgeddaht buckshot. 7.62 X 39mm hardball from a rifle should do the trick—IN THE HEAD!
Ping-a-ling!
Armament suggestions. If the zombies are in Miami, they’ll be at the Jersey Shore soon, according to the “reality tv vector” projection.
In all seriousness, folks should recognize that there is only one spot on the human or zombie body that is going to cause instant incapacitation and a cessation of all locomotion. That’s the spot where the brain and spine connect and it’s not a very big target.
What makes it even more difficult is that the head is very animated, especially in a conflict situation.
Thus, it is very good idea that armed citizens train to shoot at center mass with a weapon they can control, with the best defense loads they can get, while moving to cover or physical obstacles that any “zombie” would have to over come. Extra mags are plus.
Ping
Any gun fight remember “If you’re not moving ,you’re reloading”
Because the name "Poisonous toxic artificial meth substitute" didn't fare as well in the market surveys.
Because the name “Poisonous toxic artificial meth substitute” didn’t fare as well in the market surveys.
Now you know it won’t be long till some producer
brings a tomato drink on the market under the name
Zombie Juice.
Our focus group found that “Poisonous toxic artificial
meth substitute” while accurate did not convey the
warm and friendly image prefered by nine out of ten
“I’m on fire and I want to eat your face” customers.
Shark bang sticks comes to mind, or something that would shoot a high pressure CO2 cartridge into the brain that would then release its high pressure gas thus expanding the cranial cavity into an explosion of bath salted grey matter.
Another design would incorporate a modified high pressure AB application gun that would penetrate through any orifice such as the mouth, nose, eyes or even the ears and would inject a rapidly expanding incredibly fast curing polyurethane foam.
And while many think of guns one should consider sticky grenades, a grenade that has a fast release covering exposing either an instant stick super glue or a combination velcro and barbed hooked attachment, device can be armed with anything from a super high voltage stunner to a package of “willie pete” white phosphorus.
One must not forget the humble paintball gun, loaded with the righ combination of ignitable substance and hydrogen upon impact will erupt into flames, add magnesium and some iron oxide and aluminized powder and you get a truly spectacular walking screaming flaming zombie. Of noted interest flaming zombies exhibit strange burning colors due to saturation of bath salts.
Remember, if one of your friends is out of control
and want’s to eat your face, give them
Zombie Bones tm. made with real BRAINS.
I was born and raised in Miami. Moved away in 1984.
It’s a nice place to be from.
Only thing I miss is sailing/fishing in the Keys.
As for Zombies, a nice Speer Gold Dot, Winchester Ranger, XTP in a caliber that starts with a ‘4’.
BTW, have you seen the new KelTec 12 ga. 15 shot pump? Bullpup I think.
And calling them ‘bath salts’ kept them off the DEA radar for all too long.
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