Alec Baldwin Sees Racism In GOP Stars

On HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher" Friday night, host Bill Maher posed a simple question to his panel (which included Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley, actor Alec Baldwin and MSNBC's Chris Matthews): "Is Rush Limbaugh a racist?"

"I think you need to always distinguish the rank and file of the Republican Party and conservatives and voters from their media representation and media stars and I believe that the people who are in the media and prominent in the media in the conservative community, speaking on behalf of the Republican Party, have a very clear racist stripe through their commentary, consistently. Not just Limbaugh but all of those people. But I don't think that their rank and file Republicans are like that," Baldwin said.

O'Malley declined to call Limbaugh a racist but said, "He certainly says lots of insensitive things."

Matthews said: "You wanna know what he does that's different than other people? Because ever since sports opened up in the early 1950s, when baseball opened up to [Jackie] Robinson and even the NBA opened up and all the sports opened up to race and African-American athletes began to deal really well in sports — dominate in some cases — we've sort of made a decision not to talk about race in sports. You don't talk about it. ... You don't talk about ethnicity. You don't say he's black or white. It's sort of a deal we have. We don't talk about it. We judge people by performance, by batting averages, by touchdowns.

When he started talking about the Crips and the Bloods, when he started talking about Donovan McNabb the way he did, he just broke that rule now I'm not saying he's racist, but he broke the rule we've sort of established, which is don't talk about a guy's race when talking about sports. Just drop that part of it. I think that's what he did."

My Political Awakening At The Baldwin Fundraiser

Oh, my God! My eyes have finally been opened!

You may be wondering what could inspire such an exclamation. Well, if you attended the recent Democratic fund-raiser in Hollywood that I did, you would certainly share my excitement. It was hosted by Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, and it really changed my life.

If you are a fan of Xena - Warrior Princess, you may be familiar with my work. I was recently added to the cast as Norvak The Peevish. Before that, my only film role was that of Maurice, the gay neighbor with a heart of gold in “To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday”. Although I only had one line - “Is your dog spayed?”, my emotional delivery led to my landing the role on Xena, America’s eleventh highest rated weekly show in syndication!

Now that I am something of a star, I received a personal invitation from the Hollywood Assistant Director of Democratic Fundraising. Following the advice of my agent, I immediately had my Dad wire the $5,000 mandatory donation, and sent my RSVP back.

Now, I have to admit that I’ve never really followed politics much. I mean, I knew that Ronald Reagan was the meanest President ever, and his Vice-President Quayle was really stupid. (I wasn’t completely ignorant!) But ever since Bill Clinton beat those guys in the election (twice!!), I kinda felt that everything was going really well and I didn’t need to worry. This weekend’s fundraiser really woke me up.

As soon as I entered, I could feel a special warmth from all the participants. Ms. Basinger personally greeted each of us at the door. I was trembling with excitement as I made my way down the receiving line. I was sure she wouldn’t know who I was, so imagine my surprise when she took my hand and said, “Welcome, I really admire your work.” I couldn’t believe how sincere she was. The guy behind me was even more impressed that she knew him. His only screen credit was a crowd scene in “My Giant”. She really made us feel at home.

Once everyone was enjoying cocktails, Kim (I call her Kim, now) gave a brief overview of the menu. I was already enjoying the fo-grass, so imagine my surprise when I found out it was vegetarian fo-grass. She went on to describe how they make real fo-grass. If I recall correctly, she said it was made out of cow brains. They make the cows live in a little box and force feed them to make their brains bigger. Now, I know eating steaks and bacon isn’t really nice to cows, but hey, we can’t all be Sister Teresa. Eating their brains, however, is really cruel. I don’t know how anyone could do that!

I didn’t really hear much of the rest of what Kim said, because by that time, I was standing next to a vision of loveliness. “How do you like the fo-grass?” she drawled in a somewhat realistic southern accent. I thought, “Think of something clever, Andre. Reel this bird in!” But all I could say was, “Good.”

She ignored my initial shyness, and continued, “I’m Tiffany. Are you into politics?”

I was determined to keep her interest - so I lied, “Yes, in fact, I used to work for a senator.”

“Oh,” she seemed impressed, “Which one?”

How could I not have seen that question coming? “Think,” I thought, “Think politics. You must know one senator.” Finally I came up with a name - “Senator Washington.” At first, I wasn’t even sure if there really was a Senator Washington (I told you, I don’t follow politics).

Of course, she had heard of him. She was really informed. “I really admire the work he does for children and animals. What state is he from again?”

“Washington,” I guessed. I must have a psychic streak. I was right again!

“It’s so nice to meet people who try to improve the world. My fiancee once told me, ‘We can all try to improve the world’. I’ll never forget that. It’s so true.”

Her fiancee! Shot down, I muttered, “Your fiancee must be very special.”

“He was,” she fought back a tear, “He’s dead now.”

Back in action, I consoled, “Oh, I am so sorry. How did it happen?”

“He died a hero. He was an animal liberationist. One Saturday night, he broke into a Military Research facility. He climbed onto the roof and jumped down fifteen feet into their lab. He released twenty-five monkeys from their cages. Unfortunately, he couldn’t climb back out the window. On Monday morning, they found his bloody sneakers on the floor, and one of the monkeys was wearing his scalp. That was all that was left.”

“Wow. How noble.”

Our conversation was interrupted when the amazing Alec Baldwin took the stage. This man is an intellectual giant. From the moment he opened his mouth, I knew I had a lot to learn.

“Good evening, all you half-assed jerks. Do you think it’s enough that you show up at a fundraiser and throw a little money at our problems? Republicans still hold many offices in this nation, and you jackasses go about your business like nothing’s wrong. When will you learn? These people are evil. You’ll all act surprised when they throw your stupid grandmother on the street. They have no compassion for the elderly. Don’t you know they want to kill old people!?”

I swear I didn’t know that. Here I was thinking that everything was going OK, and the Republicans are out there trying to kill old people. I thought of my dear father, and my dear mother, and my first dear stepmother, and my first dear stepfather. My second stepmother was a bit cold, and my second stepfather was dead. I still haven’t met my third stepfather, but that’s beside the point. Alec continued to illuminate the horrid political system in this country.

“Do you know they want to kick down your door tonight and arrest you for having sex!?”

Tiffany looked at me and blushed. Cool!

“They are giving children guns. The kids are gunning each other down at their schools. No condoms for the first graders, just more guns!!”

I heard about those school shootings. The Republicans! I should have suspected them.

“I hope you can get used to living without whales, and dolphins, and rainforests, and television. The Republicans are gonna get rid of all of that.”

Television!! Why wasn’t I told about this sooner!

“Didn’t you listen to Jane Fonda. Millions of children dying of starvation, in Georgia alone! But you fat simpletons don’t care! You sit there and you eat your vegetarian fo-grass and wait for someone to fix the problem. Well, get ready for the concentration camps. That’s where we’re all going. You think about it. You think “Ellen” got canceled ‘cause her ratings sucked? Fools!!”

Ellen who? And I’m originally from Georgia. Wow, have I been out of touch or what?

“I hope you feel satisfied. Be thankful that none of you are black! Except Whoopie. Kisses, Whoopie. The Republicans are gonna put the blacks back on the plantation. Someone’s gotta pick the cotton. You don’t think it’s gonna be Biff and Buffy, do you? They’ve already started rounding up the blacks. How many of you have seen any African Americans in your neighborhood, besides Whoopie and the domestic help?”

Not a single hand went up. Why wasn’t this on the news?? And I thought the conservative media bias was just a rumor.

“The only way we can fix this nation is to destroy the two party system. We need one party rule.” He shot his right arm up and in front of him, with one finger extended. Then he brought his arm back to his chest and repeated the motion. “One party rule! One party rule! One party rule!” Soon the whole crowd was thrusting their right arm out and up. It made for a really powerful visual. I don’t know why nobody else thought to rile up a crowd like that before.

When he finally left the stage, Tiffany and I were exhausted. That night, I put a chair in front of the door, to keep the Republicans out while we had sex. She moved into my house the next day. We’re really in love.

And my political education is just beginning. I have to get Dad to wire me $10,000 for next week’s fundraiser (Tiffany is between jobs). Ed Asner is going to speak about the true effects of our policy in Central America in the 1980’s (whatever did happen to that Ayatollah?) It should be a lot of fun - Woody Harrelson’s bringing brownies!!

- Andre

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