Posted on 07/07/2009 8:40:44 PM PDT by 2ndDivisionVet
Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive A Car
Jingle:
“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Lyle Clarke.....Dana Carvey
Brenda Clarke.....Victoria Jackson
Spunky’s Owner.....Candice Bergen
Announcer: “Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car.” Tonight: “Toonces’ Arch Enemy - Spunky”.
[ dissolve to interior, living room, as Toonces and his owners, Lyle and Brenda Clarke, watch home videos with Spunky and his owner ]
Spunky’s Owner: These are really nice home videos.
Lyle Clarke: Thanks!
Brenda Clarke: Oh, look! Here we are at the Grand Canyon!
Lyle Clarke: Oh, yeah.. Toonces was driving that day!
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the edge of the Grand Canyon ]
Spunky’s Owner: The Grand Canyon is really deep!
Lyle Clarke: Yeah! Yeah, tell us about it.
Brenda Clarke: Yeah.
Lyle Clarke: Hmm.
Brenda Clarke: Oh! Here we are at Carmel!
Lyle Clarke: Mmm. Yeah.
Brenda Clarke: Oh, that’s Toonces coming to pick us up.
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over a cliff ]
Lyle Clarke: [ chuckles ]
Spunky’s Owner: Carmel is so pretty, isn’t it?
Lyle Clarke: It sure is. Oh! Now, here we are at Niagra Falls!
[ footage shows Toonces driving the car over the falls ]
Lyle Clarke: What a view we had that day - thanks to Toonces!
Spunky’s Owner: Ohh..
[ footage shows Toonces as a kitten driving a toy car around in the driveway ]
Lyle Clarke: Oh, how did this get in here? That was Toonces when he was a kitten!
Brenda Clarke: Oh! He liked to drive even then!
Lyle Clarke: Oh, there he goes!
[ Kitten Toonces drives over a wall ]
Lyle Clarke: Awww.. Well.. that’s all. I sure hope you enjoyed it.
Spunky’s Owner: I sure did! And I have an an-nunce-ment!
Brenda Clarke: What is it?
Spunky’s Owner: I know that your cat Toonces can drive.
Lyle Clarke: Well, yes.. just not very well.
Spunky’s Owner: Well, my cat Spunky just finished Driving School!
Lyle Clarke: Really?
Brenda Clarke: Wow!
Spunky’s Owner: Yep! Here’s his report card.
Lyle Clarke: [ examining it ] Wow! Look at those grades!
Spunky’s Owner: He got a A+ in Driving, an A+ in Conduct, an A+ in Attendance, an A+ in Punctuality.. and an extra A+ for helping clean erasers after class!
Brenda Clarke: It sounds like he’s a good driver!
Lyle Clarke: And how!
Spunky’s Owner: Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s have Spunky take us for a drive!
The Clarkes: Yeah!!
Spunky’s Owner: We’ll go home and get ready!
Brenda Clarke: Okay!
Lyle Clarke: Bye-bye!
Brenda Clarke: Bye, Spunky!
Lyle Clarke: Bye, Spunky!
[ Spunky and his owner exit the Clarke household ]
Toonces: [ growls menacingly ]
[ dissolve to interior, Spunky’s house; Spunky is in the bathroom getting himself ready ]
Spunky’s Owner: Spunky? Are you getting ready?
Spunky: [ meows ]
Spunky’s Owner: Don’t forget to wear your nice tie!
Spunky: [ meows ]
[ camera focuses on Spunky’s reflection in the mirror, where, suddenly, Toonces appears from behind, and covers Spunky’s face with a rag of chloroform ]
[ dissolve to the drive, later that afternoon, with what appears to be Spunky driving the car for his owner and the Clarkes ]
Spunky’s Owner: What a lovely day for a drive.
Lyle Clarke: It certainly is.
Brenda Clarke: Yeah. and Spunky is driving so well!
Spunky’s Owner: Yes! Did you see, back at that turn, how he used his signal, and put out his paw?
Brenda Clarke: Yeah, I noticed that!
Lyle Clarke: But he.. he seems to be driving worse now..
[ “Spunky” begins to swerve the car along the road ]
Everyone: Uh-oh..
Brenda Clarke: He’s getting wreckless!
Spunky’s Owner: [ worried ] Spunky, what’s wrong?
Lyle Clarke: Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Something’s wrong here..
[ Lyle reaches over the seat to pull off Toonces’ fake Spunky mask ]
Everyone: It’s Toonces!!
Spunky’s Owner: But where’s Spunky?
[ quick cut to show Spunky tied and gagged in his bathroom back at home ]
[ quick cut back to Toonces driving everyone in the car ]
Everyone: Look out, Toonces!! Look out!!
[ once again, the car topples over a cliff ]
Jingle:
“He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/89/89ttoonces.phtml
Heck, I would. It couldn’t be worse than what we have. Toonces might *not* drive the car over the cliff, we know Obama and his team have us headed right for it.
Why are we talking about youth in Asia?
</Ali G>
Seriously, nicely done, Victoria. We need more people like her who can connect with those who don’t spend time on political web sites like FR.
That’s why it’s called acting. Great commentary from Victoria and one of the few entertainers to respect today. The rest of Hollyweird is going to be tied to 0bama and that will not be a good thing before too long.
Oh my gosh, I think Toonces’ rebel hair was the inspiration for Traficant’s toupee! LOL!!!!
Is Victoria writing a regular column now? I hope so. I enjoyed her last column about taking her daughter to see a deranged movie made by some dude she met when she was new in Hollywood.
She is a good, thoughtful writer.
One of the best X-Files episodes was one she starred in. It was the episode with the midwest weatherman who inadvertantly effected severe weather conditions depending on his emotions.
Bump
Big Media has abdicated their previous position as watchdog on our Government and is now just a lapdog to their Boy King.
It pains me that so many Americans do not see this.
Take my dad. He's a really smart fellow, although he is a Democrat. Even so, at 79, he's not exactly in tune with the modern Democrat party's real objectives. In fact, if he really understood how far he is away from them ideologically, he'd tear up his donkey card in a heartbeat.
But - it's hard to get through to some folks after they settle into a lifetime pattern. Dad's like that.
He threw me for a loop one day, when he told me with great sincerity that the MSM wasn't liberally biased, and that they were, in fact, too conservative. I about fell off the floor.
Smart as he is, he is so incredibly mis-informed, and utterly indoctrinated with liberal propaganda that he honestly does not see the bias in the media.
It's disheartening.
She alludes to the language of the Left is classic “doublespeak” of Orwell’s 1984. The Liberals love to twist language and make their meanings the exact opposite. Great article.
This is how I’ve been saying Obama will “pay” for the health care scheme, but no one will listen. It just makes sense. How can we get more Americans to wake up and see their future?
She nailed it.....EVIL shows up with a SMILING face like Obama’s.
Actually, it’s the DEMOCRAT women that are denses, tramps, etc.
Saw her on FNC a few times...she throws a little ‘ditz’ in there to keep you guessing, but you can’t argue with her conservative credentials. Outstanding article...
My 60’s era, hippie, Nader-supporting brother thinks the media is too conservative, too. Clueless.
Who "borrowed" it from another SNL alum, Gilda Radner (in an Emily Litella skit).
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