When A Woman Isn't In The Mood: Part I (Dennis Prager On Why Sex Is So Important To A Man Alert)

Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a male-female hour every week.

The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is not in the mood and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.

There are marriages with the opposite problem -- a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of He wants, she doesn't want.

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.

This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.

When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:

1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.

4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldnt expect sex when I'm not in the mood.

The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different -- and how seemingly more primitive -- men's sexual nature is compared to women's.

Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.

But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage -- no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).

Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What excessive means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.

Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.

Many women will argue, understandably, My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when Im too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.

The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.

Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.

Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to -- women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)

But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood -- see Part II next week.

This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.

In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.

I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.

>>Maybe, but I have met gobs of married men that say they don’t get much. I take that as evidence of a lot of option 1 and hence the article being right on target for our society.<<

You nailed it. I know a LOT of men in this predicament. Many of them are very attentive but our culture has corrupted their wives and their wives expectations.

I lived it myself for a long time: Be nice to her. Give footrubs, take out trash. Do dishes, etc. and maybe she will be attentive. It only gave her control as she continued to say no and that I didn’t measure up.

I learned, after a great deal of counseling and reading that I was not the problem. I must respect her, myself and the relationship and let the chips fall where they may. They fell to a divorce that completely blindsided me. In the long run I was done a tremendous favor.

I think most married men in this country are “wupped” and if they would just grow a spine they would either find their wife responding or she would dump them where they would then have the freedom to find the “right” woman. And after the free education they got they would have a much better chance of finding Miss Right.

Meanwhile all this gaggle of goose hens can grow old alone in their tiny cluttered apartment with their cat named fluffy. It is sad, because our culture did it to them but the courts prevent us men from stopping them.

So, there you are...

Nor anywhere else. Ever. I am tired of being told that women don't have sex drives.

So true. A woman, unless she has some psychological or physical problem, does have a sex drive. While we are wired differently from men, we women think about it, fantasize about it, desire it and look forward to it. We want sex and we want great toe curling orgasms and we want to give the same to our husbands. We just don’t what to be treated like some blowup doll, an inanimate object or some “me soooo hoooorney, love you long time” whore, ready to go at a moment’s notice just because our man as a sudden urge.

Gee, I wonder why it's so difficult for a man to address this issue. There are some women who look for any reason to tell the offending "percieved goon", that it's his fault. You've attempted to do it here, and you've done so again later in your response. Yes, there are times when I have a sudden urge. Can you ladies ever forgive me? Let me tell you something. When my wife comes to me with a sudden urge, she doesn't get turned down. End of story. And BTW, the thought of sceduled sex on Thrusday's at 8:15:25 pm, is about as romantic as a tooth ache.

As for the fantasy that women have, I'm all for it. Often the women gets so busy with work or whatever, and if the guy doesn't initiate "the idea" it just doesn't happen. When this is mentioned he is told that she does to initiate sex. Why don't you remember just last March, about the 25th? I've tried the wait until she's ready routine. Pretty soon a month has gone by. If you mention it, she says something like, "Well, you could have asked." Good grief. So much for some women's desires. And I'll be frank with you. When someone doesn't have interest in this area, it's a massive warning flag if you catch my drift. (BTW, I'm on my second marriage, so this information doesn't apply to my current situation.)

There have been times when I was in no condition to have relations with my wife. But I have to tell you, I was driven to anyway. It baffles me to hear women talk about the deed as if it were a chore.

I’m not sure what you mean by “in no condition” but let me surmise a bit here, not that I’m saying this necessarily describes you ; ),. But were you ever (or any of you other guys here, and be honest about it), drunk, hung over, smelly, with bad breath, too tired or incapacitated for any foreplay or afterplay, stopping her in the middle of whatever she happened to be doing at the time and just jumping on her bones doing the deed only to fulfill your needs, then rolling off with out any thoughts of her needs, immediately falling asleep while she gets up and goes back to house work and cooking your meal while you lay there snoring in selfish post-coital bliss?

Yes. Sure. There have been a few times like that in over 31 years of marriage. Does it happen very often? No. Has it happened in reverse? Well, frankly yes. I somehow found a way to enjoy myself. Once again, good grief. You make it sound like men are a bunch of dirty, drunken, abusive, non-caring louts. BTW, I can't tell you how many times I have heard women talk about getting a guy who's a jock, all sweaty, and ready to go. Boy that tune sure changes once they're married.

Now, you talk of the guy just rolling over and going to sleep. And of course, you're wide awake. I'll bet it never occurred to you that the male does a majority of the work in the long haul. It can be quite draining trying to give out a long period of pleasure for his partner, which ends up with him getting 1/100th of the final bang for the buck. What I do find funny is when the female has to expend energy to obtain her just rewards, all of a sudden she isn't so "wide awake" five minutes after it's all over.

In a scenario like that it would baffle me not to hear a woman talking about the deed as if it were a chore.

Well, I have never in my life thought of making love as a chore. Not once.

Get a clue guys. It’s not always about you.

Oh I think we've got all the clues we need. Some of us try to be understanding. Some of us have waited weeks or more for our spouse to initiate things. So don't come to me with clichés about clues and foreplay and cleanliness. You're barking up the wrong tree.

I do understand and sympathize with those men whose wives withhold sex. In the case of my nearly 20 year marriage however, it was not me but my husband who had a low and nearly non-existent libido. Believe me it was emotionally painful, frustrating and sometimes humiliating to be constantly rejected except on the rare occasions he was in the mood and it was a contributing factor in our divorce and so I do understand the importance of marital intimacy.

Well, I realize that does happen. And where it does, I sympathize with the women who have to deal with it. I guess this is where I should ask you though, since you were making some rather interesting inferences, were you always drunk, filthy from work, smelly and offensive? I doubt you were, but you sure laid it on thick for guys who have this problem. And I might add, I have spend more than ten years in relationships being patient with my partner, hoping they'd get their head cleared, so don't come at me like some uncaring, uncompromising brute. You're way off base.

But I find it disturbing that so many men apparently see their wives as nothing more than an orifice in the waiting for their needs alone. With attitudes like that, some of you guys shouldn’t really be all that surprised that she isn’t all that interested anymore.

You are one sick puppy. The animosity is dripping from your post. All men ask is that when they marry a woman, that the woman remain as desirous and willing to participate in sex as they were when the guy made his decision to marry them. The vast majority of stories I hear out there reflects otherwise. If there is no overwhelming reason, the woman is way off base. As for your reference to 'orifice', it's just a disgusting afront to husbands. Yes we seek relations with our wives. Yes it's sometimes spontanious. And yes, that's exactly what the woman we married seemed to like once upon a time.

This is not a fairy tale. It's a real problem, and it doesn't help to have folks dismiss it as something only male ogres could suffer from.

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