Posted on 12/23/2008 12:09:15 AM PST by goldstategop
Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a male-female hour every week.
The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is not in the mood and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.
There are marriages with the opposite problem -- a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of He wants, she doesn't want.
It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.
First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wifes refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.
This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.
When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:
1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.
4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldnt expect sex when I'm not in the mood.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.
Lets deal with each of these responses.
1. You have to be kidding.
The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different -- and how seemingly more primitive -- men's sexual nature is compared to women's.
Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.
But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage -- no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).
Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What excessive means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual natures desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.
3. Not my man.
Many women will argue, understandably, My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when Im too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.
The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.
Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.
Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.
4. You have it backward.
Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to -- women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)
But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood -- see Part II next week.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.
This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.
In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.
I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.
Mrs SV realized years ago that giving herself to me ensured her of plenty of help around the house, with the kids etc.
Men’s needs are so simple: sex, sports & snacks. Make sure your man has plenty of these and he will be a happy husband.
you found out Cosmo is crap just recently?”
No, but then again I’m not the target market. But a lot of women in these parts did. And they’ve paid for it. A bad attitude goes a long way. LOL
And practice makes perfect
“Men’s needs are so simple: sex, sports & snacks. Make sure your man has plenty of these and he will be a happy husband.”
How true. And boy Chris Rock has shown it not as just true but funny.
“You know what happens when he doesn’t get his medicine.”
He was talking about Bill Clinton but really how some woman would think their husband is “above” that beats me.
Your poor buddy. Reminds of those poor guys you see in the stores who are carrying all the children, pushing a cart, and their wife yells at them in public for not doing enough. I know a guy who will say he has always wanted to one thing or another, but his wife won’t let him.
Maybe we should take a poll among the Freeper women on this issue, then post an article about Women’s sexual needs, so we can see what kind of response comes up. lol.
Love the tagline. I have a silly fascination with a man’s hairy chest. I figure I want a man, not a little boy.
“It isn’t about fair pay for equal work, it’s about self esteem stuff and wanting stuff.”
really?
You paint such a bleak picture.
I don’t doubt there are many women out there like that - I’ve met some, but I would hesitate to say they are the majority.
I’ve also noticed quite a few materialistic guys as well.
The “jerk” thing splits pretty evenly as far as I can tell.
Well the cloud in the lining, if one can dare call it that is that they don’t have any children. But he’s such a nice genuine guy and he’s going through all this emotional stuff inching along.
I’m just trying to be supportive. Even with his world being what it is, he says she is “devastated” he’s looking to move ahead alone. Meanwhile she tried to get him out of their home on a verbal separation agreement.
I am walking a delicate line trying to stay out of it. But I told him not to leave his home without a written agreement on their married assets. And then I asked him what he could do if she moved someone in?
My other buddy, well it’s been a couple of years now. I’m glad I was able to help give them some space until they sorted things out. It saved a family and they are doing so much better.
That makes me happy.
“Maybe we should take a poll among the Freeper women on this issue, then post an article about Women’s sexual needs, so we can see what kind of response comes up. lol.”
hee hee! what kind of a “response” you said?
I still remember back in '94 when we had our moonroof open and he was shouting about the differences between men and women. It came down to women care about what everyone thinks of them and men just really don't give a damn. It's the reason men often have more troublemaking stories from their youth, then women do.
A management tool?
“A bad attitude goes a long way. LOL”
Cosmo is a good recipe for ruining your reputation, smashing all your friendships, alienating your family, getting 3+ abortions, AND contracting at least one major STD.
Agreed. I’m only recounting those women who bought in to the feminist rules from college days here in the northeast.
I’m not saying it’s a majority. I don’t even know the minority. As for materialism, I would agree that’s more of a universal infection. And of course selfishness is not a liability to just one sex.
“It came down to women care about what everyone thinks of them and men just really don’t give a damn.”
I think he’s onto something there!
I snarfed the tagline from a post on the “Barry Obama at the beach” thread last night. Dang, he’s girly! I don’t consciously feel positively about a hairy chest, but I’m sure I’d notice if it were suddenly denuded! Sometimes my husband complains about the babies pulling his chest hair, and I say, “Well, you could get electrolysis ...” and that shuts him up until the baby outgrows it :-).
Bump
Yup, an (dis)incentive program.
At least your friend knew he was in a bad situation. Mine has no clue. But, when I keep hearing “she won’t let me”, I cringe. He thought it a strange thing that it didn’t bother my husband if I chatted with a male friend when he wasn’t home. He called me on it when I accidentally used the word let for something (when in reality my husband would have let me have chickens, he just won’t tend them). :)
the waxing scene from 40 Year Old Virgin is a classic too.
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