Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

Atlantic Monthly ^ | March 2008 | Lori Gottlieb

[reaganaut1]

About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket at the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer weekend, and other parents and their kids picnicked nearby—mothers munching berries and lounging on the grass, fathers tossing balls with their giddy toddlers. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed the idyllic scene.

“Ah, this is the dream,” I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we’d both dreamed of motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).

[TalonDJ]

I can be more intelligent, funnier and better looking than my potential mate and I won’t be good enough because I’m not a doctor or someone with that kind of current income (or immediate income potential.)

It is all about expectations. I wanted a woman that wanted to homeschool my future kids. Hence I knew I needed an income that would support that. Hence I needed a woman that wanted a man that had an income that would support her being able to stay home and raise kids in the style that she grew up in. It is no surprise at all that both my wife and I have technical degrees and both our dads do too and that both our mom's stayed home growing up. I would not even have looked twice at a woman that wanted more than that or much else than that. Woman that wanted a career over kids were not even on the scope. I did not lament over that or worry about it much. It is not about how many women you can get when you only want one. Could I 'get' fewer woman at the age I was married than back in college? Beats me! Why should I care? The kind of woman I wanted was not looking for a guy half way through college. And incidentally when I was in college my now-wife was too busy with highschool to worry about guys. Hence to HER (the only one I care about) I was vastly more attractive as a mate at 29 than I would have been at 20.

[Tax-chick]

every time I'm annoyed with my husband, these threads tend to pop up and I remember how fabulously lucky I am.

Yes, something always happens to remind me that the alternatives are much, much worse.

[coop71]

;) Good one!

[TalonDJ]

My first not quite year and a half have been super smooth.
My advice is to expect to have to change everything and you will be surprised how little you have to. Find the common interests and activities and together seek new ones.

[JamesP81]

So if you have a reasonable face, you have a chance. ;-)

I think I'm reasonably screwed. I think.

[Tax-chick]

Our interests have changed since our marriage, but we still share most of them. Currently it’s Scouts, food, running, and folk music.

[TalonDJ]

Bah! With your stats in the right circles you would have to run your face through a blender to not get interest.

[JenB]

I look forward to our tastes changing, together. So maybe in 15 years we will be going to homeschool convetions, not anime conventions, but if we’re starting this close and making all our life changes together, I can’t see it not being good.

I feel so sorry for people who don’t find someone who is so absolutely perfect for them. Sometimes it makes me feel guilty for having such a great husband myself.

[TalonDJ]

Sometimes it makes me feel guilty for having such a great husband myself.

Mental note: dial down the 'guilt' setting on the mind control ray, keep the 'adoration' setting as is.

[Tax-chick]

Homeschool conventions don’t welcome people with children. The Folk Society, on the other hand, loves us :-).

[TalonDJ]

Homeschool conventions don’t welcome people with children

Eh? When that happen? They use to be packed with kids.

[CJ Wolf]

My wife doesn’t appreciate me. I consider myself a trophy husband, but she doesn’t.

Yesterday, I fixed my wifes LCD monitor yesterday by desoldering 4 capacitors on the inverter board and soldering 4 new ones in I got at radio shack. Cost me 6 bucks. Most would have bought her a new monitor. She called me a Geek.

The day before I cleaned the chimney.

The day before I split wood and gave her a massage.

I look great and am physically fit. I’ve fathered 3 kids and homeschooled my stepson.

[Tax-chick]

The notices all say that it’s best to leave children at home, lest they interfere with the recordings.

[TalonDJ]

She called me a Geek.

That is high praise around our house.

[Lazamataz]

So if you have a reasonable face, you have a chance. ;-)

I'm screwed.

[dan1123]

I suspect the ditz who wrote this drivel was too in love with herself to see a great guy right in front of her. Too bad for her.

And lucky for him...

[potlatch]

Thank you for the ping najida.

My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet.

What sad women they are!

Romantic love usually only lasts a certain period of time and then we evolve into an 'abiding love', caring and consideration of each other. If we do not take the effort to 'nurture' it, we lose our partner.

Too many people have the idea that it's going to be continuous exciting romance - forever but they forget that during the 'pursuit' period they are not dealing with the everyday realities of work, home and children - together.

[FUMETTI]

I usually date women from age 22 to 40. Some people forget that I want children of my own, so dating women past the age of 40 is not wise, because by that age, I fear women will either not want kids, or already have kids and do not want any more. I am not shallow, but pretty picky. Yes, I like pretty women, blondes usually, but I like educated and smart women with opinions. Hell, I even dated liberal women and love it...it is fun when you do not agree with everything!

[JenB]

Hmm, must not be the ones I attended as a kid. You should see the PA homeschool convention with all the Amish folks!

[LucyT]

they actually love women, adore their females....and want them to be happy.